>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
July 6, 2005

Nathan: Dude, that was my best jail experience ever. Orient Prison is awesome. They even let chicks into holding. I hooked up with this drunk bimbo and got her number.
Annie: You picked up a chick in jail. What the hell is wrong with you?
Ben: Don’t ask. We don’t have that kind of time.
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Many of you may find this hard to believe, but much like Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop, I’ve fractured an occasional law or two. Unlike a few of my friends, I have been legitimate for quite some time. Among many of said friends, I’m a criminal lightweight—which is to say that if crime was drinking, I’d be the kid who gets trashed after three beers. So, as I strive to become a good person (seriously, I’m striving here…let a brother strive) I’ve been taking the time to mentally recall my criminal mistakes and successes. And because I know that at one point, most of you will get drunk and make mistakes, I figure you all can learn from mine. That’s right, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m here to help. So, onto the helping of help. (Damn, that was a punishing pun. Okay, now just stop. Step out of the parenthesis please. Hands on the following paragraph. Have you been drinking?)

When arrested, admit to nothing. One time, five friends and I were arrested for (allegedly) stealing (alleged) nitrous oxide tanks from (an alleged) medical supply center. Four of us were convicted. Two were not. I was one of the two that got off because I admitted to nothing, and when I say nothing I mean nothing. The four guys who were convicted admitted to being at the medical center, which, essentially meant that they placed themselves at the scene. And, guess what? They had security cameras at the scene. The two guys who got off simply repeated the following as if it were mantra: I was just sitting in Steak ‘n Shake. Y’all came up and arrested me. I want a lawyer. (We picked Steak ‘n Shake because it was the closest fast food place near the medical center, it was open late, and it was busy as hell. Please use the aforementioned criteria to pick your restaurant.) I said that sentence (the italicized one, not the parenthetical one) almost one hundred times before the public defender showed up. And you know what he told me to do when he finally got there? That’s right, he told me to keep quiet. I can’t stress this enough people: admit to nothing.

Know your fellow travelers. A good friend of mine was arrested for possession of marijuana and an unlicensed firearm. Neither were his; he was just too stupid to make sure that he knew someone in his car had drugs and a weapon. So he went for a joyride (twenty miles over the speed limit) and instead of a measly ticket, got three months in jail. All because of a lack of communication. If the drug and gun holder had piped up about his contraband when my buddy started speeding, or if my buddy had possessed the good sense to ask, it all could have been avoided. Remember, everyone is a scumbag at heart, so know who you’re with and what’s with them.

Know when to cut your losses. When being chased by the cops, toss the drugs and/or stolen goods. Getting away is priority one, but prepare for what could happen if you get caught.

Don’t get in fights. There’s no honor anymore. No one can just take a licking and suck it up. Everyone has to be a little bitch and sue or call thecops, or both. Every time you get in a fight, you risk a lawsuit. Medical services are expensive. So are lawyers. Which leads me to my next point….

Hire a lawyer. Pay a lot for a lawyer to defend you. And not just any lawyer. He or she must meet one of the following criteria: formerly a DA (for a long time) or formerly a judge. You have no idea how many favorable decisions are handed over because of a judge’s respect for a lawyer’s golf game.

And finally, the best advice anyone can ever give any criminal is as follows: there’s always someone smarter, faster, and tougher than you. Never let your guard down and always stay on top of your trade.

Some people would say that this column is not very helpful to the mass of humanity because it condones criminal activity, and criminals belong in jail. Some people can suck me off. I say, if we must have criminals, we should at least make sure they know what the hell they’re doing. I hate getting robbed by amateurs.

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