>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
June 8, 2005

Read more snippets...Jason: Would you call her a skank or a slut?
Lloyd: Definitely a slut. Skanks are fugly.

Labeling people is a form of judgment. Judging people leads to looking down on them. Looking down on people leads to spitting on them, and that, my friends, enemies, and erstwhile cohorts (note: only cohorts and conclusions may be erstwhile—it's a law) leads to the spreading of disease, which, we all know, leads to inferior play from professional athletes. And no one wants that. So, let me suggest an alternative to being a judgmental person: an open mind.

I know, I know, it's easier said than done. Anyone can say they have an open mind, but then, when presented with something a little odd (like a female requesting a thumb in her ass) they quickly turn into kind of close-minded people who fear another Super Bowl breast exposure. My point is: everything is easier said than done. Life is not easy. In fact, as a wise man once said, “shut up and get to work.” See what I mean, here? Not easy.

“I'd love to tell you I've devised a scheme to stop post-judgment, but all I know is: if the chick likes a thumb in the ass, stick your thumb in her ass.”

So, before we can solve the problem of labeling, we must first address the three main ways we judge, then we must look at the possible solutions for each way, then we must take a nap and maybe rub one out (masturbation helps me think) and then and only then may we come to any conclusions (erstwhile or otherwise) about how to keep an open mind and keep ourselves from labeling others. So, now that you know, let's hit up the three major ways we judge.

1. The Pre-Judgment: Judging someone based solely on appearance.

Examples: He's black, I'm scared; she's fat, she's lazy; he's wearing a Star Wars shirt, he's a virgin; etc. and stuff like that.

2. The Judgment: Judging someone based on the first impression.

Examples: He said, “conversate,” he's most likely a moron; he keeps cussing, he doesn't care about anything; she smokes cigarettes, she'll probably suck me off; and so on and so forth.

3. The Post-Judgment: Judging someone after you actually know them.

Examples: He's a cock-blocking asshole; she's a cum-guzzling gutter slut; he always orders Amstel light; she likes my thumb in her ass; and many, many more.

To stop prejudging, you need to destroy the stereotypes you've come to accept as reality. Find an Asian who can't do math, a sci-fi buff who gets laid, a redneck who hates NASCAR, a fat chick you want to fuck, whatever. I once met a girl who actually won a seventy-participant fantasy football league and it changed me forever. I never know what to expect now.

Stopping the actual judgment is a little bit harder, but still possible. To do this, you must simply follow the golden rule. Say to yourself, “Would I want someone assuming that I would fellate them just because I'm smoking a cigarette? Would I like people thinking I'm a moron simply because I use made-up words and haven't a clue?” If you do this successfully and repeatedly, eventually you'll develop a calm superiority to those you meet (because you'll know you're treating them better than you really think they deserve to be treated). Sure, you'll still be judging them, but you'll be polite and respectful, so they'll have no clue that you secretly think you're better than them and they'll enjoy your company more. As a result, you may make some friends. Hell, you may even get laid.

It is almost impossible to stop the post-judgment because it is completely based on experience. If I date a girl for six months and I never see her eat a bite of meat, I label her a vegetarian. This is just how the mind works. I'd love to tell you that I have devised a scheme that may work to stop the post-judgment, but all I really know is: if the chick likes the thumb in the ass, stick your thumb in her ass. Trust me.

In conclusion, the less we label people, the more likely we are to appreciate the unique peculiarities of each individual. Thus, by having an open mind, we increase the likelihood that we will enjoy this planet and its inhabitants. Therefore, we must do our best to avoid assuming that the drunk chick who keeps flashing the crowd really wants to use illicit drugs and have sex with strangers. After all, maybe she's just proud of her plastic surgeon's work. Or maybe she's expressing her individuality. We must learn to take nothing for granted and pass no judgment. Even though the odds are, she's probably a total fucking whore.