>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

June 6, 2007

Steve: Face it, man. You’re an alcoholic.
Fuck that. I can stop drinking anytime.
Then why don’t you?
Because man… I mean, life would be really boring.

I don’t know if y’all know this, but I tend to drink.

It’s true.

And some people have even gone so far as to say I have a problem. Some people say that I have to be drunk—that drinking is not some choice of mine. They call me an alcoholic.

What a dirty, dirty word.

Some of these finger-pointing folks, after accusing me of pulling a jihad on my future via excessive consumption of alcohol, will then attempt to set me straight by offering their personal wisdom. Unfortunately, these people tend to be either very boring and responsible (i.e. married with kids) or they tend to be straight-up assholes, so their opinions should be discounted because, in the case of the former, they live different day-to-day lives than me and in the case of the latter, they are assholes.

“People say that alcoholics let drinking affect their lives. Folks, I let baseball games affect my life.”

Nevertheless, ever the more, so on, so forth, so what and So Taguchi, there may very well be a such thing as alcoholism. I’ve heard it happens to a lot of people and, after careful thought and research, I think I have discovered how to actually define an alcoholic. I’d tell you right now, but I’m going for at least five hundred words here.

I’m dedicated.

In an attempt to both define alcoholism and extend this column we will look at some of the common misconceived definitions of alcoholism. We may not want to look, but we should. If for no other reason than because we are still sober enough to read and should capitalize on that opportunity.

People say that alcoholics let drinking affect their lives. This is a vague and stupid statement. Folks, I let baseball games affect my life, I let stupid fake-breasted whores affect my life, I let Jesus affect my life, and I let the words of Hall of Fame broadcaster Vin Scully affect my life. What can I say? I’m affectatious (it’s my column and I can make up all the words I like, so there).

And other people say that alcoholics are people who get upset when they can’t have a drink. Folks, I get upset when I can’t see a baseball game, when I can’t fuck a stupid, fake-breasted whore, when Jesus tells me I can’t sleep with 16-year-old girls and when Vin Scully doesn’t broadcast a game because he doesn’t travel with his team. What can I say? I get upset.

Still some people say that alcoholism is defined by whether or not the person in question has a physical dependency on alcohol. Folks, I have a physical dependency on food, sex and warm weather, but no one’s ever called me an addict (for those dependencies, anyway).

No, the definition of alcoholism is much simpler than that.

It’s so simple in fact, that naturally only a simpleton like me could figure it out.

Are you ready for it? ‘Cause here it is.

A person is an alcoholic if and only if they regularly decide to get drunk instead of living up to their responsibilities. If drinking is more important to them than being a good human, then they are alcoholics.

It is that simple.

So if you want to avoid being an alcoholic and you are single, just finish doing every responsible requirement you have and then get wasted. As a result, you may become physically addicted, you may get upset when you can’t have a drink and you may pickle your liver, but at least you’ll have something to look forward to at the end of the work day.

Man, it is so fun solving your problems.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to go counsel the crackheads.