>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
February 22, 2006

Pat: That’s the reason I wake up right there.
Nathan: What is? Emily?
Pat: No man. Emily’s breasts.

There are a whole bunch of really smart people who love to get in pointless arguments about exactly how much of the human personality is defined by society and how much is formed by our DNA and other natural influences. Well, I’m not a smart person. And I don’t really care how much of us is made up by how much of what or whatever (wow, that could very easily be the least coherent thing I’ve ever written—and that, ladies and gentlemen, is saying something), but I do like experimenting (me and Bill Nye once castrated a bull together while we were drinking absinthe, but that’s a story for another day).

Anyway, when I was in college, I decided I would do a few experiments of my own to determine the importance of the three C’s: communication, cleanliness, and coitus. All three of these experiments taught me one thing: humans are nothing more than adaptable animals with crack addictions and toilet paper. And now, once again, because I have an internet column that requires no less than 500 words per week, I will share with you my three experiments and their results. I would have shared my soda instead, but well, it’s a Sprite Re-Mix and I just love that stuff. So here you go: the next best thing.

I Went One Week Without Showering or Brushing My Teeth

“Of course, the exact second my thirty days of abstinence were up, I ran into the coed dorms and grabbed the first slump-buster I could find.”

I deduced that even if I went one full week without showering, brushing my teeth, or changing my shorts, I could still get laid. For this experiment to work, I took a week off from the gym (ah, the sacrifices I make for science), and hit on every chick I could find. By the end of the week, my teeth were green, my face was stubbly, I stunk like dead fish, and I still got laid. I knew it would come true.

You see, I don’t think that hygiene is really as important to the opposite sex as they lead us to believe. In fact, because sweat smells like both sex and work, I think my stanky ass may have actually aided in my getting laid by three total strangers throughout the course of those seven days. Nevertheless, I couldn’t wait for this experiment to end. I stunk like holy hell.

I Went Four Months Without a Phone

I deduced that if I went four months without a phone, my life would become more relaxing and stress-free. For this experiment to work, I canceled my cell phone subscription, threw the phone away, and didn’t tell a soul about it. Now, at first things were a little rough. My parents couldn’t get a hold of me to remind me that I drank too much, my friends couldn’t get a hold of me to invite me to go out drinking, and I couldn’t call my AA sponsor and request my 24-hour chip. But in the end, this experiment turned out to be a really great idea. Not having a phone helped separate my true friends from those people who just had my number in their phone and thought it would be cool to hang out with me.

You see, when people wanted to hang out with me, they actually had to come and find me. This also made life more interesting for me because I almost never had plans and could thus go with the flow that is the natural order of things (read: hang out with random drunks). So, in the end, not only was I more relaxed because I was shut off from cell phone society, I also had more fun because I never knew what to expect from life. Of course, I couldn’t call the police when I got mugged in St. Pete that one time. What can you do? Them’s the breaks.

I Went One Month Without Trying to Get Laid

Some of you who know me may know that I am always trying to get laid. It’s part of what I do. But I deduced that if I deliberately went one month without trying to get laid, I would do better in school. And that turned out to be very true. After focusing for a whole month on everything but women, I earned A’s in all my subjects and a 4.0 for that semester. Indeed, as Mick told Rocky, “Women are bad for the legs.” Of course, the exact second my thirty days of abstinence were up, I ran into the coed dorms and grabbed the first slump-buster I could find. The lesson here: women are a plight to ruin men while at the same time being our very motivation for success. Remember that when we ask for blowjobs, girls.

As the powerful play that is life manages to flow throughout the stages that make up our existence (like sand through the hourglass and shit), I learned a few things from experimenting with my life. What did I learn? Well, I’m glad I made you ask. You see, I learned that showering, getting laid, and having a cell phone are not as important as we think they are. In fact, it looks like we could all actually make it through an entire lifetime without showering, owning a cell phone, or trying to bump uglies with random bitches. I know, I know. Who’d have thought?

In the end, the important thing is…okay, so I never really got that far. But it’s not what I thought it was. I always thought sex, communication, and cleanliness were three of the cornerstones of a good life (with the fourth being, obviously, pornography). But it turns out that’s not the case. Now, if I were a more dedicated scholar, I would find out what the four cornerstones of life are. But to tell you the truth, I think I’d rather get drunk with an 18-year-old chick who can’t stop texting her friends during our conversations. I gladly put up with her because she does, after all, have huge breasts.

And maybe that’s what life is all about.