>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

February 14, 2007

Chip: I think we’re in a real good spot with this global warming trend. I mean, no one can blame our generation for starting it, and the negative effects are all gonna be felt by the generations after us. We just get the cool storms and warm winters.
It’s all in the timing.

You guys may not be aware of this, but the world has a few problems. Apparently, there are a whole bunch of people killing each other in the Middle East, and another group of people stockpiling nuclear arms; and then there’s the United States, which pretty much put itself in charge of policing this clusterfuck of a planet. On top of that, Al Gore has released a really disturbing video which proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Al Gore is boring. Clearly, something needs to be done.

Now, I’m usually not one to get involved in the problems of others (mainly because I don’t really care about people as a rule), but well, all this craziness has got to stop. So, because we all know that my genius is surpassed only by my insanely eloquent fucking writing style, I am now gonna tell all of you how we can protect the world, preserve life, and create world peace. Please, hold all of your applause until the end. And thank you in advance for all your love. You guys are the best.

The three biggest problems facing the world are unrest in the Middle East, nuclear proliferation, and the threat of global warming. Fortunately, the world is full of people who are not quite as bright as I am. Because of this, I am able to solve these problems in less than 2,000 words. I’m like Jesus, except I can’t grow a beard and God doesn’t like me all that much.

“The warmer the world gets, the more people will die, and thus, the world will restore itself to some semblance of balance.”

The Middle East Has a Slight Problem

In the Middle East right now, many different sects of Muslims have taken it upon themselves to kill… well, pretty much anyone they want. I’m not sure exactly what the deal is, but it seems to me that these people shoot Americans and each other, sometimes sacrificing themselves in an effort to kill each other and Americans. Really, they’re quite dedicated. If killing were viewed as an athletic skill, these guys would be the ’27 Yankees. Unfortunately though (for them, anyway), they just don’t have the technology or know-how that the United States has. Because of this lack of firepower, they really don’t stand much of a chance against us in a fight. But that’s not the real issue here.

The real issue here is why they feel they need to fight us and each other in the first place.

Initially, President George “I used my silver spoon to cook cocaine” Bush told the American people that the reason the terrorists hate us is because they hate our freedom. This is not exactly true. They do not hate our freedom. They are jealous of our freedom.

They are jealous because we have strip clubs and pornography, because though our women are free to make their own decisions (unlike their women), they choose to dress like whores and suck dick on the first date (I’m not complaining here, by the way). They are jealous that we can remain ignorant of global politics, disrespectful of other cultures, and still attend some of the best strip clubs in the world.

Which leaves us only one solution to this problem.

We need to send the Middle East some hot, stupid hookers, pronto. If all Muslims were forced to fornicate with a bunch of fake-breast sporting, leopard-print-skirt-wearing, gum chewing, monolingual coke-whores, then our problems here would be over. I mean, how in the hell could you manage to be a die-hard extremist while dating an insatiable slut? It’s hard for most people to even keep a job and a horny bitch, let alone maintain an extreme position in a trying global climate.

Put simply: the constant application of blowjobs to the male genitalia decreases the levels of stress and anger within men (who are responsible for almost all wars, by the way). Which is to say that the idea of killing oneself in the name of a higher power may seem like the thing to do while you’re living in a house without a roof and searching frantically for your next meal, but, while some chick is tonguing your balls, it just seems counterproductive. I mean, when you’ve got something to live for and all that….

Fortunately for America, we have no shortage of stupid, dick-sucking sluts who would be willing to work for cocaine. If President Free Ride would just get off his ass and ship half a million hookers to Baghdad, I can promise you an end to war in the Middle East.

Now that we’ve got that problem solved, it’s time to tackle nuclear proliferation.

Everyone Wants Nuclear Weapons

Nuclear weapons are super popular nowadays. The more nuclear weapons a country has, the better off its leaders are. If a country has nuclear weapons, its leaders get all the good parking spaces, invitations to presidential dinners, and even Yankee tickets. Really, all the nuke-owning countries get the gold star treatment because, let’s face it, if you have the power to end the world, you deserve a complimentary steak and free opera tickets every now and again. It’s only fair.

The problem here is not the actual nuclear weapons, per se, but the perception that no country will be worthy of any level of respect if they don’t have them. Fortunately for the world, I see a way around this.

We need to offer every country a serious perk if they agree to get rid of nuclear arms. And what better perk is there than unlimited invitations to the Playboy Mansion?

If Hugh Hefner were to join forces with the US government and allow any leaders who happen to destroy all of their nuclear weapons unlimited invitations to all his cool parties, world leaders would be discarding warheads like Britney Spears flicking cigarette butts out of a limousine window. Print this out and mark my words: no amount of nuclear warheads are worth more than the chance to enjoy Playboy Playmates, drugged up movie stars, and free champagne.

So there you go. Now that I’ve solved nuclear proliferation and war in the Middle East, it’s time to address global warming, which, according to Al Gore, will kill us all within a matter of minutes.

Global Warming is the New Black

If you live in the first world and own a television, you can’t escape the fact that Al Gore made some video that depicts exactly what is going to happen to the country if we continue to reproduce. As the numbers of people in the world increases, so do their demands for food, fuel and sex, which produces even more children who have their own demands for food, fuel and sex. This eventually will cause all the ice in the world to fall into the ocean, which would cause all kinds of floods, which would kill millions of people, which would essentially end the global warming problem as we know it.

You see, a planet is a system. And systems tend to heal themselves. The warmer the world gets, the more people will die, and thus, the world will restore itself to some semblance of balance. So, if global warming will take care of itself by killing a lot of people, thus reducing the amount of people using natural resources and filling the air with methane and what not, then we don’t really need to do anything about it in my opinion.

Now, some will argue that we don’t really want people to die. And if that is the case, then we really have only one other option: don’t let more people be born.

For those of you who think we’ll find enough alternative energy sources while quintupling the population in the next century or so, all I can say is, you’re idiots.

It may seem like it would be difficult to keep people from reproducing, but it really isn’t. The answer is quite simple: introduce everyone to Al Gore.

Now, I’m sure Al Gore would gladly meet every person in the world (in groups, you know, for efficiency) and share with them his theories of global warming. And research shows that prolonged enough exposure to Al Gore not only reduces sex drive, but also makes men sterile. So, after Gore gets done spreading that half smile he calls charisma, people will undoubtedly decide that there is no reason to bring children into a world where people like Al Gore are allowed to have their own private jets. Global warming solved.

Some skeptics may tell you that blowjobs, unlimited Playboy Mansion Party access, and exposure to Al Gore is not enough to eliminate war in the Middle East, nuclear proliferation, and global warming, but I feel otherwise. My ideas may seem radical at first, but the truth of the matter is that no matter who you are in the world, you would be much happier if you were enjoying oral sex at the Playboy Mansion while ignoring Al Gore. And if we can put the whole world in that same frame of mind, we can end all of the planet’s problems and create world peace.

And some of you seem to think that’s an important goal.

Anyway, now that I’ve solved the world’s three biggest problems, it’s time to get ready for next week’s column and figure out the meaning of life. (Hint: it involves beer.)

You can applaud now.