>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
Featuring contributing writer Luke Lowenstein
December 28, 2005
Here are three things I feel deep in my soul: New Year’s Resolutions suck the post game sweat from a Rasheed Wallace headband; now that Dave Barry’s been run over by a giant clown car and reduced to writing jingles for Umberto’s African Monkey Meat Company (motto: Tastes Like Chicken, Only Smarter), no one writes a good Year-in-Review anymore; and finally, I drink a lot. And so, in the interest of continuing my alcoholic ways, I am handing this column over to my buddy Luke, who has decided that he will review every column I’ve written this year for PIC. Yeah, I know. I’m lazy. What can you do?
Anyway, a little background on Luke: he’s a junior in his sixth year of college, he’s a Florida native, his turn-ons include naked women and drunk women, his turn-offs include current events and studying. As he writes these reviews, he’s drinking a Strongbow beer and asking me how to spell words even though my computer has a spell check feature that works just fine. So ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Luke Lowenstein.
“There’s nothing sophisticated about Nate. If he were drinking at an art show, he’d probably get wasted and piss on the artists. Seriously.”
Hey, how is everyone? I want to say it’s an honor to write for Points in Case, but I also want to say that I’m a college graduate. So we’ll stick with the truth: I want to rip on Nate’s columns. I’ve read every column he’s written, and as payback for trudging through the horseshit he calls comedy, I am now reviewing his work. I think I speak for all PIC fans when I say, “Viva Rebello.”
Nate’s first column. In it, he teaches us how to be good people. He also spreads some bullshit about how he’s working on becoming a better human being. The dead hooker that the police found in a Pasco county trailer would have argued otherwise. If only she’d been given the chance.
Open Your Damn Mind
I love the idea of a guy who eats nothing but red meat and beef jerky telling me to open my mind. Save that shit for the tourists, DeGraaf. The locals ain’t buying.
Sexing the Sister
Nate’s first useful column. Whenever I consider fucking one of my buddy’s sisters, I re-read this piece. Every now and again, Nate actually uses this space to help his fellow man.
Clinging to the Pot Luck
Nate’s first attempt at being sensitive. Let me tell you something. I’ve seen Nate trying to be sensitive. When he does, he looks like a monkey trying to solve a calculus equation. I think it’s safe to say that this piece is bullshit.
The Evolution of the Whore
This column is proof that Nate would be nowhere without Ben coming up with ideas for him. Oh, and the pull quote in this was taken from a joke that was invented by Nate’s friend, Big Mike. Writers are thieves. Especially Nate.
Crime is a Motor Skill
Do you really think you want to take advice on motor skills from a guy who can’t throw a football forty yards? I didn’t think so.
The Five Best BJs Ever
I give this piece two thumbs up. This was an instant classic and represents the second time that Nate did not screw the pooch this year.
The Nate Way
Trust me, you don’t want to live life The Nate Way, unless you want to be referred to as, “that jackass who won’t shut up.”
How to Be a Sophisticated Drunk
Even more bullshit. There’s nothing sophisticated about Nate. If he were drinking at an art show, he’d probably get wasted and piss on the artists. Seriously, I drink with the dude. That’s the kind of stuff he likes to do.
Turnabout's Fair Play
Just so you know, Jaime (the girl who suggested this piece) is now fucking the cook at her work. In case you couldn’t tell, that’s a step up from Nate.
Ah, the Strip Clubs: Parts 1 through 5
The three things Nate knows a lot about: The St. Louis Cardinals, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and strip clubs. That being said, this feels unfinished. I’ll bet he’s working on a strip club book or something…
Friends With Bullshit Benefits
Too true. Nate was obviously on a nice streak around this time.
The True Friend with Benefits
Alas, the last good column in Nate’s best streak. Shit goes downhill after this one.
Cheaters Never Win
Though Nate denies it, I still feel this one is bullshit. It happened while I was out of town, so I can’t say for sure. Outside sources have confirmed some of it, but still, I think it’s bullshit.
Clinging to the Party Balloons
Another attempt at sensitivity. Let me tell you something, this guy would abandon a three-legged puppy in Yellowstone Park and not give a shit. Don’t buy this garbage.
All Men are Scumbags
Way to throw the male gender under the bus, dickhead.
The Gentleman and the Goat Lover
You guys may have enjoyed this one, but I heard it about one hundred times before he finally wrote it. It’s an old story that hopefully he’ll stop telling now. Though I will admit that it’s funny (the first three times you hear it, anyway).
The Rules of Banging the Ex
Again, Nate helps out the male gender, thanks in part to Ben, who comes up with all of Nate’s best ideas. A few more columns like this, and Nate could be the heterosexual Doctor Phil. I’m just saying…
To-Do List for the Women of America
Nate’s best work in my opinion. Women read all these magazines and shit to see what their men really want. Hey Chicas, this is all we want. Really.
Grateful for a Dead Fable
Nate’s a hippie at heart. A dirty, drugged hippie.
Welcome to the Neighborhood
I didn’t believe this one until he showed me the three-page letter that inspired it. True or not, this column still sucks.
Yeah, it’s not Thanksgiving until a half-assed writer tells you what he’s thankful for. Hey Nate, just because you write about what you know does not mean you shouldn’t write about shit I care about.
This is just crap. Pureed crap with nuts and sprinkles. I’ll bet he wrote it in ten minutes. Drunk.
God Bless the War in Iraq
I love it when Nate gets political. It’s like watching a three-year-old try to climb a mountain. Dumbass.
How to Get Away With Murder
You guys may not know this, but every year around the winter solstice, Nate sacrifices a hooker. It’s true. I’ve seen it.
Advice to the Homeless
Here’s some advice. Hey Homeless, stop talking to Nate. Nothing good can come of it.
Happy New Year, everyone. Maybe next year, Nate will average a good column idea a month. Though, judging by how he’s ending 2005…well, let’s just hope Rebello sticks around.