>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

November, 7, 2007

Nathan: When was the last time you kissed a girl?Jennifer: It’s been a while. That’s not as popular a thing as it used to be.
I will be damned if I will live in a world where two hot girls making out is a passing fad.
You look pretty intense right now, DeGraaf.
I have to know… why… why you stopped making out with chicks.
It’s just kind of… juvenile, you know?
No. No, I do not know. I will not accept that. This is bullshit.
Please calm down. You’re making a scene.

Ladies, I’m noticing a disturbing trend in my local area lately. For whatever reason, you girls are not getting drunk and making out with each other in public as much as you used to. This is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with by congress, but they’re too busy commemorating the career of Brett Favre and worrying about steroids in baseball, so I guess I have to do it.

Mine really is a thankless job.

Now girls, some of you may say that you don’t like kissing each other and that’s why you don’t do it, but I know that’s not true. You see, I have dated many fine women in my life, and I noticed that the finer the woman I dated was, the more women wanted to fuck me. This is because girls always want to fuck the guy who’s dating the girl that all the guys want to fuck (you may have to read that sentence a few times—I know I did). Therefore, since we know why girls always want to date the guy with the hot chick, it follows that girls are actually at least partially attracted to the female form that inspires men to masturbate. Therefore, one girl kissing another girl is awesome because, for the uglier chick, it validates that she can—by way of affiliation—hook up with the hot guy the hotter chick is dating (I mean, if you can kiss someone who kisses someone who you want to kiss, you’ve validated your beauty and therefore feel better about yourself).

“You want attention. You know you do. That’s why the thong was invented.”

Now, for the hotter girl, well she should do it for the sense of entitlement it gives her. I mean, any super hot chick can get dudes, but it takes a special super hot chick to enamor both sexes. So there, now that your objections are out of the way, we can move on to the advantages of making out with other chicks in public.

Free Drinks

Free drinks are priceless. They’re awesome. Free drinks, as near as I can tell, is one of the many reasons that girls bother with mini-skirts and fake breasts. Well, making out with each other in public always yields free drinks, ladies (mainly because alcohol consumption increases the possibility of more female make-out sessions).

Now, I know you didn’t get all dressed up in those high heels and push-up bras to avoid free drinks. So go all the way. I promise it’ll be worth it. Of course, free drinks alone would be a good enough reason to make with the lesbian mimicry, but the advantages to female lip-locking do not end there.


Intimacy enhances friendships. Friendships, in case you ladies were wondering, are the relationship experiences you have when not talking shit about each other or stealing each other’s men. Now, I personally haven’t found too many females worth being friends with, but you never know. It might be worth it. Friendships aside, think of the attention you’ll get.


You want attention. You know you do. That’s why you wear low-cut shirts and shorts, that’s why the thong was invented, and that’s why, after a few beers, we can always convince you to show us your anatomy. Well, kissing other girls only increases the amount of attention for you. Trust me on that. And increased attention yields an increase in free drinks and male boners.

Turning Us On

Women love sex, obviously. But more than that, they like being worshipped for their appearances. And who can blame them? Certainly not me.I’m not here to judge wet T-shirt contests; just to enjoy them. And ladies, nothing stops the conversation at your local pub quite like two totally hot girls making out with each other in a crowded, smoky room.

So ladies, I mean really, if your goal is free drinks, friendships, attention and the ability to melt men into little puddles of boner-toting ecstasy, the truth is, you don’t need the fake breasts or the thong. All you need to do is find a friend and play with her tongue.

Of course, I’m not saying you need to get rid of the fake breasts or the thongs, either.

You do whatever makes you feel good.

And making out with your female friends makes everyone feel better.

Do your part ladies, and keep up with the bisexual attitudes. And if you won’t do it for me, do it for America.

Land that I love.