>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
October 4, 2006

You can make all the excuses you want: you have an addictive personality, you need to mentally escape your rough life, you’re completely and totally bored, you broke your legs and the doctor prescribed you pain killers, etc., etc., and on and on. The truth is, whatever the reason or rationale may be, you are, for better or for worse, addicted. This could be a major problem.

Doctors of many different shapes, sizes, backgrounds and ethnicities have been working for years to help people like you. Thus far, they have not succeeded. Fortunately for you, I’m here to help you overcome your addictions. I have no licenses, credentials or common sense, but that won’t stop me from helping you. It’s the way I was raised.

Tobacco

It’s one of the most addictive drugs in the world. People can go months without smoking cigarettes or having a chaw, then, something inside them will snap, and they go right back to puffing or gnawing away. Tobacco is so addictive that people don’t even want you to smoke it near them, lest they become instantly addicted and subsequently loosen the fuck up.

“Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends.”

If you want to learn how to quit smoking, my advice is for you to get in the right mindset. You see, to quit tobacco, one must realize that he or she is in control of his or her own destiny. One must rise up and declare to oneself that one will not be run by some stupid brown plant. One must be strong. One could also bum me a smoke… I mean, if one has an extra.

Alcohol

Good fucking luck.

The problem with alcohol is that it’s just too fun to quit. So it must be managed. As long as you don’t let it hurt your work or relationships, you can drink all you want. Then, though you’re still technically an alcoholic, you are now an alcoholic of the functional variety. The authorities tend to leave functional alcoholics alone because they pay their bills and don’t beat their wives. (Side note: if you find yourself beating your wife and kids, please take every opportunity to kill yourself. The world will be a better place.)

If you find that your drinking is having a negative effect on your family or career, you have two choices. You can either a) drink less or b) leave your family and job. The choice is yours. I’m trusting you to make the right one.

Marijuana

Shut up. You’re addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous. You can’t be addicted to pot. Dude, you just like being stoned. Addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous.

Nitrous Oxide

All right dude, that is just sad. If you’re really so bad that you can’t get through a day without huffing down a few Whippits, well, there’s nothing I can do to help you. Just please understand that you are not allowed near my whip cream. Freak.

Pain Killers

Get a job, loser.

Cocaine

Cocaine is a tough drug. It’s expensive, it causes your heart to play bass lines from Primus songs, and it’s a surefire way to meet new friends and fuck them. It’s hard not to like, I know, but you can quit. Here’s how.

First, stop hanging out with the people you do coke with. Take a step back (metaphorically) and analyze the friendships you have with your fellow cokeheads. No doubt you’re now thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, I never hung out with convicted felons and strippers before I started doing coke.” There’s a reason for this. Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends and the coke will be hard to find. After a few weeks, you’ll forget why you even did that crap.

Now, if you’re some yuppie who snorts coke with fellow stockbrokers and fucks chicks who dress like Jada Pinkett Smith, then keep on keeping on. As long as the bank account is okay, you probably will be, too. Don’t worry about overdosing, either. There’s a line of people in silk ties waiting to take your place. The world will be fine.

Crack

Kill yourself. No, I’m serious. Take out a gun and kill yourself. This is my advice. It’ll stop the addiction and many petty crimes.

Heroin

This is the biggie. It is impossible as hell to quit heroin when you live in a country that recognizes it as a health problem and not a crime problem. Now, if you live in America, that means that not only is it tough to quit, it’s also tough to find treatment. Fortunately for you, we’ve got lots of jail cells in the states.

If you are an American heroin addict, I recommend you move to Canada and start on the methadone treatments. And if that doesn’t work, well, at least you got the fuck out of our country. Also, if you’re a heroin addict, you may want to entertain the possibility of becoming a professional musician. Sure, you’ll only increase your odds of turning up dead in a public restroom, but hell, maybe you’ll offer the world some jamming tunes, instead of an empty, dirty palm.

Drugs and alcohol can be addictive. And as such, they must be treated with respect. In the words of my friend and neighbor, Darryl, “I don’t think the drugs are bad. What I did was bad, yes. But the drugs, they ain’t bad. I mean, once I get the drugs, I’m all right.”

And that, really and truly, is the surefire way to keep your addictions from controlling you: never run out of drugs.

No need to thank me. I do what I can.

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