>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

October 25, 2006

Kevin: Dude, are you watching the game?
Not yet. I have to start my column.
Your priorities suck.

Well it has come down to this. All of my failed relationships, one-night stands, flagrant affairs, and general knowledge of women is being put into this column. This
is what we’ve been working toward. This is where I tell you, the women of cyberspace, how to be good women.

(As an added bonus, I’m gonna give you a little behind the scenes on Points in Case. Our fearless editor, who once killed a bear with little more than a twelve-gauge shotgun, has laid down the law. We have deadlines and we’re sticking to them. If I don’t get this piece in by Monday, midnight Eastern Standard Time, he doesn’t post it. It is now 9:04. I have a load of laundry to worry about and I still haven’t had my third beer yet. This needs to be finished quickly. Let’s see if I can do it.)

“If she doesn’t work, all bets are off. She must refer to the old standby of cooking, cleaning and sucking cock.”

Now, women everywhere, listen up. This is not some bullshit piece where I scream that all you have to do to be a good woman is cook, clean and suck cock (though there are definitely some grounds to consider those notions—I mean, why fix it if it ain’t broken?). No, ma’am, in this piece, I am going to break down the finer points of how you can maintain healthy relationships simply by being a good woman.


Control Your Behavior

Women, no one is saying you can’t be yourself (unless you’re a psychopath, in which case, absolutely, positively do not be yourself), but there are certain things you need to keep in mind regarding how to behave around your man.

First and foremost, do not show him up. Now, it’s fine to crack a few jokes (especially if those jokes revolve around what an asshole he can be or how rude he treats you—those are always funny) and it’s fine to engage conversation with his friends. In fact, it’s encouraged. But there are certain things you should not be allowed to do in public with your man, including: getting so drunk it’s embarrassing, hitting on other men, making fun of your man’s appearance or ability in bed, or shooting heroin or smoking crack. If you want to do any of these things on girls’ night out, feel free. But remember, no self-respecting man will put up with that shit.

Which brings me to my next point…

Earn Your Man’s Respect

One of the major problems with the genders is that the two don’t respect each other. You can earn your man’s respect in any number of ways, but the two best ways are as follows: find out what he enjoys and loves and be willing to share it with him (but, and this is the kicker, you must follow his rules if you go this route), or find out what he enjoys and loves and leave him alone when he does it (this is easier, especially for the not-so-needy chicks out there).

If you find it hard to give your man his space and you find it hard to enjoy sports, gambling, fart jokes, origami (hey, some guys are strange) or whatever he likes, then I suggest you revert back to the old standby: cook, clean and suck dick.

Which, as fellatio often does, brings me to my next point…

(By the way, we’re at 9:15. Gotta switch laundry loads in about five minutes. This could get dicey.)

Share the Work

Okay, now here’s the deal. If you both have jobs or go to school, then you gotta find ways to share the bullshit tasks like laundry andcleaning and all that. I have no idea how you would share these things because I’m not a licensed psychologist, but I can say that if you give a shit, you will find a way to share this stuff.

Now, if she doesn’t work, all bets are off. I mean, if you’re the sole provider then she must refer to the old standby of cooking, cleaning and sucking cock. If she does this right, the man in the relationship will probably take out the trash and remember to put his dirty laundry away. Probably.

(9:20. Time to switch loads.)

Now, where were we? Oh yeah…

Communicate Clearly

I’m absolutely, positively horrible at this, so I have no general advice. But here’s my biggest problem with communication and females: women don’t say what they mean.

If you want something, like dinner or a movie or a new dress or me to stop cumming in your face, then just come straight out and say it. There’s no need for all these hints and games. I mean that.

(9:25. Am I the shit or what? I mean, imagine what I could do if I got paid for this.)

So women, now you know a little bit more about how to behave around men. The bottom line is, if you behave like a respectful human being, enjoy us for what we are, share in the work that must be done, and tell us what the fuck you mean in plain goddamn English, you’ll probably land that soon-to-be-rich-guy in no time at all.

Good luck and go with Christ and all that.

(9:28. And no, I’m not proofreading this either. The game’s on.)