>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

January 25, 2007

Nathan: I miss being in a relationship.
Why’s that?
My bathroom is filthy.

The older I get, the more I come to appreciate why some men feel that they need to be in long-term relationships with women more human than say, your average turbo slut (I dare you to say “turbo slut” out loud right now, and if you’re at work, then I double dog dare you). And the more I think about the few relationships I’ve been in, the more I realize exactly why some men (if that is their real names) would really rather be in long-term relationships instead of just fucking around with random bar trash.

Hell, I even miss some stuff from long-term relationships, too. And you know, since you’re here and I’m here (hey, we’re here), I figured I’d take this opportunity to share with you the six things I miss most about being in a long-term relationship (in no particular order, kind of like my life).

Learning About All the Stuff I Forget

Somehow, when I’m not in a relationship, I hardly ever seem to forget anything. I pay my bills on time, I arrive at work on time, and I hit my column deadlines. And really, for me, what else is there? It’s not like I have kids.

“When I’m not in a relationship, I hardly ever think to myself, Boy, I’d just really love to be alone right now.”

But when I’m in a relationship, I get to learn about all kinds of stuff that I was supposed to do and that I forgot to do. I never knew all of this stuff was out there. It’s so informative to know that all this time I’ve been forgetting to do stuff I never thought was necessary. It’s a real eye opener, you know?

Getting in Arguments

I love getting in arguments. Not because I like to argue, but because I’m all for the health benefits. I mean, when a couple argues, they get a cardiovascular workout as well as a nice exercise of the old jaw muscles. And, as the old saying goes, the couple that exercises together usually can’t fuck other gym members without serious risk of being caught cheating.

Living in a Ridiculously Clean Place

I have never really thought of my apartment as an unclean place, and the truth is, only one unmarried guy I’ve met has ever thought me to be a slob (and he’s OCD, so it’s cool). But when I’m in a long-term relationship, my place is never clean enough. Fortunately for me, I don’t ever have to make it that way. When a man is in a long-term relationship, his place just stays magically clean. I miss that.

Sharing a Bed

Every night that I don’t take some random chick home, I go to bed thinking to myself how much it sucks having the whole bed to myself, how much I miss getting pushed, kicked and woken up by the sounds of sleep-talking or snoring. Man, that’s the best.

Sex Challenges

The greatest part of being in a relationship is the regular sex with one other person. And I would be remiss not to mention how awesome it is the first few months of a relationship, when two people try to one-up each other in the bedroom by proving who’s the bigger freak and how far they’ll go. I’d love to make a joke here, but I really do miss this one.

Just Wanting to be Alone

You know, when I’m not in a relationship, I hardly ever think to myself, “Boy, I’d just really love to be alone right now.” I mean nothing screams “I’m in a relationship” more than that strong and worthwhile feeling of wanting that special someone to just get the hell out for a while. Man, I miss that, too.

The more I grow up, the more I understand exactly why some men love being in long-term relationships. I mean, in a long-term relationship, there can be months of great sex (the ultimate form of communication according to Walt Whitman—and if you don’t trust Whitman, who can you trust?) and a whole bunch of other crap that comes along with it like crack comes with crackheads.

And really, isn’t that what love is all about?