By staff writer Allison Parks
March 25, 2007
In case you are over the age of 36 (repulsive) and have been living in an S& M nunnery of sorts, I will provide a short description of MySpace.com and its many uses. But before I get going, it must be known that I am A) saucy off moonshine and B) two hours until deadline, so excuse my hastiness—or just verbally lash me in the comment box if you must (you dirty diaper eating asshat).
Okay, here we go: MySpace is a website where you have pictures of your homely face along with a description of your sad life and deplorable hobbies (masturbating while rubbing your sister’s Barbie’s stiff plastic hooters, masturbating to photos of a girl in a bikini on your raft box, sneaking into my apartment and sniffing my granny panties from the Costco six pack [who can blame you for that one?]). You can also write little blurbs about your hideously boring activities (you narcissistic cow, nobody wants to read that). Then your friends, acquaintances, random dumpster sluts, fluffers, priest, the dorm janitor you snogged (you trashy sow), and your parents can spy on you and post you little comments. A comment to you would read something like this: “Queefing in your grandfather’s supper is unacceptable. Now go the backyard and shovel the lama’s feces or I‘ll beat you with a coat hanger. Love Mother.”
“The crippling symptoms of withdrawal set in: headache, vomiting, anal leakage, thinning hair.”
MySpace isn't just for individuals; a company, a movie, your shitty band, why even my former shitty publication, The Vicious Vine, still has a MySpace page.
While this may all sound harmless and boring, it's not! Beware! This website is an all consuming addiction! It's a socially acceptable way of spying on people. Never again will you be shot out of that special someone’s tree with a tranquilizer gun and left writhing in the soil with a dart sticking out of your fatty supple labia majora. Now your perverted lurking can be done from the privacy of your home.
I decided see just how powerful my addiction was. I would do the unthinkable: I would abstain from MySpace for seven days. Gasp!
Day 1 – Monday
I was at school most of the day so it wasn't too hard. Although this reptile man in front of me had his laptop tuned to MySpace. I quickly averted my eyes. Who would post such a scaly and unsightly creature? Surely he couldn’t have any friends who aren’t being held captive in his fashionably rustic Buffalo Bill-style cabin. I must look at his page.
No! I can’t. Today is the first step to recovery.
When I got home I went on the internet. Now what the eff do I do while I’m here? Search for that Donald Rumsfeld sex tape I’ve been hearing so much about? Hmm, I wonder if he’s all jiggly, or packed tightly like a sausage? I’ll bet he grunts like a bear and wears garters, not unlike J. Edgar Hoover.
Day 2 – Tuesday
I spent the whole day drinking devil juice outside the house and away from the demon box, making this a low risk day.
Day 3 – Wednesday
This was the worst day yet. The crippling symptoms of withdrawal set in: headache, vomiting, anal leakage, thinning hair, hunchback, memory loss, itchy butthole, and arthritis. I was a mess. A big sexy mess. I bet I have thousands of unready messages! Thousands! And everyone probably has their St Patty’s Day pictures up too! *Sniffle*
I must stay strong. To distract myself I stared at the wall while a monkey played the cymbals in my imagination.
Day 4 – Thursday
Okay, the worst is over. I had to write a paper which kept me away from Lucifer's delicious website. I am somewhat adapting to a MySpace free existence. My vomiting has downgraded to the occasional dry heave and my anal leakage has slowed to a steady drip.
Day 5 – Friday
Alright, I cracked! I hate myself. But four days is an epic accomplishment if I do say so myself. Oh golly, look at all the new pictures! And comments! Shitfire, it’s good to be back.
Life Lessons & Deep Thoughts
I've fallen off the wagon and I'm back to my 8-hour-a-day MySpace habit. But the important thing is that I made a half-ass attempt to quit. Take care of yourself… and each other. See you on MySpace!