Today’s Survey
What Your Name REALLY Means

Here’s yet another type of bulletin on MySpace that pisses me off to no end.

The person spells out their name and, using a chart that associates character traits with each letter, tells the MySpace world what their name “really means”. The thing that peeves me about these bulletins is that every single letter is associated with something good (read: not true). Generally, 25 of the 26 letters have to do with being totally sexy or good in bed. Let’s face it, if you’re ugly, does it really matter if you’re good in bed? Better yet, if you feel a MySpace bulletin is the best way to show everyone how awesome you are, does it really matter that you exist?

So, to flip the scrip’, I decided to translate this bulletin in order to make it portray your fellow MySpacers more accurately.

D – You often forget to take your anti-psychotics.

A – You're a slut.

N – You're obese.


A – You’re damn good in bed.

A – You’re a slut.


B – You are always fun when it comes to meeting new people.

B – You’re an easy target for jokes.


C – You’re wild and crazy.

C – You’re on anti-psychotics.


D – You have trouble trusting people.

D – You often forget to take your anti-psychotics.


E – You have a nice ass 😉

E – You have a nice ass somewhere underneath all that cellulite 😉


F – People totally adore you

F – People totally pity you.


G – Love is something you deeply believe in.

G – You’ll say anything to get laid.


H – You have very good personality and looks.

H – You are extremely generic.


I – You have a great voice.

I – You sound like a cat in a wood chipper.


J – Everyone loves you.

J – Everyone loves you, not counting the people you’ve actually met.


K – You like to try new things.

K – You’re incredibly gullible.


L – You're loyal to those you love.

L – You’re too self-conscious to talk to new people.


M – Success comes easily to you.

M – You have very low standards.


N – You have a big warm heart.

N – You’re obese.


O – You love foreplay.

O – You always blow it in your pants before showtime.


P – You are popular with all types of people.

P – You have a smorgasbord of STDs.


Q – You are a hypocrite.

Q – Shut up, stupid MySpace.


R – You are very hot and sexy!

R – You go tanning way too often.


S – People think you are so sexy.

S – You volunteer with the blind.


T – You are one of the best in bed.

T – You always pay the extra $20, so the hooker will compliment you.


U – You are really chill.

U – You smoke too much weed.


V – You are not judgmental.

V – You’re a compulsive liar.


W – You are very broad minded.

W – You could land a plane on your forehead.


X – You never let people tell you what to do.

X – You’re unemployed.


Y – You’re one of the hardest gangsters.

Y – Mom calls you home when the streetlights come on.


Z – You like it in the butt VERY VERY HARD.

Z – You’ve done time in prison.

Delete my name and fill it out for yourself, then repost this with the title “My dad should’ve pulled out.”


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If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

In addition to pestering me with bulletins, you'll receive notices of new Balls to the Wall articles, as well as other wacky posts like these. Friend on.

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