Today's Survey
Finish What You Started

My ex was …
a purebred German shepherd. But ohhh, that tongue!

My Family is …
lucky I let them keep my last name.

Maybe I should …
refrain from swallowing this shard of broken glass. Nah.

I love …
to make people laugh, even if it’s against their will…..at gunpoint.

I don't understand …
Swahili, quantum physics, or how American Idol is so goddamn popular.

My favorite color is …
too-much-grape-drink-shit green

I lost my…
zest for life, but found my Zest bar soap, so I pretty much broke even.

Walking on ….
fetishists’ genitals with my high heels put me through college.

I want to …
talk about getting laid all the time and have that become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People would say that I'm …
happily. At least that’s how Chinese immigrants describe me.

Love is …
terrible indigestion. I find Pepto Bismol makes love go away the quickest.

Somewhere, someone is …
masturbating. (I’ll give you a hint. It’s me.)

I will always …
remind people of the most embarrassing thing they’ve ever done in the most inappropriate setting possible: board meetings, weddings, Presidential inaugurations, stuff like that.

Forever is …
the lower bound of my sexual stamina.

I never want to …
find out that people knew from word of mouth that I was lying about the last one.

I think the current President is …
going to bring the ‘nucular’ holocaust to ‘Amurrica’.

When I wake up in the morning I …
have to wait for my boner to subside so I can piss. Either that, or I do a handstand by the toilet.

Life is full of …
mostly futile attempts to acquire as much cash as possible, so you can subsequently retire and die. And also, lollipop kisses.

My past is incredibly . . .
viscous. And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea what viscous actually means.

I get annoyed when …
people use ellipses gratuitously…

Parties are for…
temporary dismissal of dignity.

I wish …
I was a little bit taller-a, wish I was a baller-a…

My dog is …
able to lick his hairy penis.

My cat …
is tired of being the focus of millions of pussy jokes. So, to teach him a lesson, I FUCKED HIM.

Kisses are the worst when …
you can taste her open canker sores.

Tomorrow I'm going to …
call a dermatologist about this persistent itchiness. I hope I’m not being too rash.

I really want …
my cunt to feel better. (That was actually in the bulletin from which I copied this. Honestly, it would be arrogant of me to think I could come up with anything funnier.)

I have low tolerance for people who …
have black skin. Fuckin’ chimney sweeps and coal miners.

If I had a million dollars …
I’d put it on red. Then there’d be a 47% chance that I’d have TWO million dollars.

Guys are …
physically superior, emotionally inferior, and sexually convex.

Girls are …
the generous bearers of tittays.
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If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

In addition to pestering me with bulletins, you'll receive notices of new Balls to the Wall articles, as well as other wacky posts like these. Friend on.

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