• If you start out a night of drinking saying, “I’m gonna get wasted”, you will.

• If you start out a night of drinking saying, “I’m gonna take it easy tonight”, you’re still probably getting wasted.

• Whoever said “hindsight is 20/20” was not a heavy drinker.

• If someone takes a picture of you doing a shot – it doesn’t matter how bad ass you looked at the time – in the picture, you will look like a fag.

• When I buy beer, I usually go for a 6-pack of something good and a 30-pack of something cheap. There’s really no point in drinking something more than a dollar per beer when you can no longer feel your tongue.

• I was doing some grocery shopping the other day and figured, “While I’m here, I might as well pick up some brews.” My eyes were immediately drawn to the old standby, 30-pack of Keystone Light: $12.99. But hey, I figured, I’ve got a steady job. I’ve got some money in my pocket. Why not upgrade to something a bit nicer? 30-pack of Coors Light: $22.99. Okay, fuck that. Come on, Keystone. Let’s go make some urine.

• Speaking of urine, I hate people who preach “don’t break the seal”, as if my package is kept airtight to maintain freshness. “Well, if you piss now, you’ll be pissing all night.” No, dumb ass, I’m gonna be pissing all night because I’m sending a half gallon of water past my lips every hour. There’s no reason to bring any more harm to my body than I already am. If my body tells me I have to piss, I’m gonna piss. Whether or not I get my pants off first is an entirely different story.

• I don’t gradually descend into drunkenness anymore. I’ll be at a party or a bar, not nursing my beers by any means, and everything seems perfectly fine. Frustratingly fine. And then all of a sudden, it hits me like a brick wall. “Holy shit, I’m trashed.” There’s no more tingly warmth of the intermediate buzz period. Just an even-keeled stroll through Soberbia before stepping off the cliff into Gone Canyon.

• I recently realized that when I’m drinking to get drunk, I no longer keep track of how much I’ve consumed, only whether or not I have a drink in my hand. I’m not sure if this is an accomplishment or a problem.

More Like This

Comedy Courses