Let's say your gloomy, friendless ass isn't satisfied snuggling up to your hamster and watching Nights in Rodanthe on a weekend night, and instead of doing something fun like going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D (limbs fly at you!) you feel the need to plunge into the dating pool. Only this time you've decided to bid a final farewell to your dignity and take a stab at online dating. Not surprisingly, when you finally get a first date fresh off the internet, it puts a lot of pressure on the poor bastard taking you out. So, as a refreshing change, and a quicker way to close the gap (between the two of you, and your legs) it's time to stop beating around your bush.

I don't mind the "drunk smoker" but please don't smoke non-stop. Find another way to look cool, like carrying a switchblade. Here, for your entertainment, are the honest answers I would give to my eHarmony questions:

How important is your match's age to you?

Somewhat. He must be able to enter bars. He can't look too young or I will begin to resent him for my own premature aging. We don't all have Demi's expensive anti-aging witchcraft at our disposal. If we're talking limits, I'd be willing to go 21-60 minimum/maximum. But realistically, 27-37.

How important is your match's education to you?

Very. No dipshits please. No "Meat me at Downtown Joe's" texts unless it's a clever play on words and your meat will be exposed when I arrive.

How important is your match's income to you?

Somewhat. He/she/it doesn't have to be wealthy, but I don't want the creature mooching off me either. I don't want to hear "whoopsie daisy, I forgot my wallet" more then twice. Then again if you're ostentatiously wealthy, that's annoying too. Preferably, be a humble billionaire, like Bill Gates, only not a dweeb.

How important is your match's height to you?

Very very important. As an Amazon, I find height to be extremely important. Randy Newman had it right when he said, "Short people got no reason to live." Short men aren't only short, they're also angry about being short. Who wants to deal with both of those things? I cannot handle a Tom/Katie situation where he has to pull you down into an awkward dip for a makeout-sesh. Why doesn't Katie just carry Tom around in a baby-front-backpack? Six feet is bare minimum, but then I still can't wear high heels around you or you'll look like my son. Six foot four is ideal.

How important is your match's religion to you?

Very. If you drop trow and you're wearing Mormon magic underpants, I'm running for the hills. Please don't try to save me and please don't have a swastika tattooed on your penis. A Satanist could be entertaining for a few days, but that's about it. My friend hooked up with a Satanist on my couch once and I heard him growling like that thing in the fridge on Ghostbusters. I would prefer that he be non-religious.

What are the THREE things for which YOU are the MOST thankful?

My glorious apartment, not having AIDS (my greatest fear), and having all of my limbs (losing a limb is my second greatest fear [eyes would be included as a limb as would my bean]).

Please describe two or three things that you most enjoy doing with your leisure time.

Boozing, eating Vicoden and/or the deliciously retro Quaaludes, laying in bed and Netflixing, throwing water balloons at pedestrians during the summer, prank calling, home improvements, and Facebooking.

Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to smoke cigarettes.

Preferable never, but I realize that is too much to expect. Actually, I don't mind the "drunk smoker" but please don't smoke non-stop. Find another way to look cool, like wearing a leather jacket or carrying a switchblade. Do not make the car freezing cold because your selfish ass needs to roll down the window to smoke. And please, don't smoke inside, that's stinky and WT.

Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to drink.

One of the options is "Many Times a Day"!! Who would pick that? Booze compatibility is paramount! No sober mens, and no raging alcoholics. Mild alcoholics like myself are ideal.

How important is your match's distance from you?

Trey Parker's house via Google Satellite
I found Trey Parker's house on Google Satellite. Hey, that's part of online dating, right?
If we're just part-time lovers I would like him to live in the next town over. If we are dating, he must live down the street to accommodate my laziness. Undoubtedly, my unwillingness to travel to see my hypothetical mate will be the root of many disputes.

See, with honest answers nobody would date anyone and the human race would come to a standstill! So what did we learn? It's best to meet mates while wearing beer goggles in a bar as nature intended. Better to start your next relationship off with a dishonest bang than no bang at all.

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