SCENE: KC is in bed, then an alarm goes off.

EARS: Noise! There's a noise!

KC: Yeah dude, just an alarm.

BRAIN: Wow, we're waking up at 7:30 a.m. We're amazing. That's so early. We're like, a grown up now.

KC: Ahem. Actually, it's 7:30 at night. We go to work at eight. At a bar.

BRAIN: Holy shit, we're almost 30 years old and working in a bar. Hands!

HANDS: Yo dawg.

BRAIN: Find a gun. Stuff it in Mouth. Pull the trigger.

JUNK: If we're going to kill ourselves, can we at least try autoerotic asphyxiation first?

KC: Come on guys, working in a bar isn't that bad. We get free booze and are paid to talk to chicks and dudes.

KC: It's time for you to get the fuck out of my bar. COLLEGE KID: Says who? You? Hah! Are you going to throw your dentures on me?MEKANECK: <<Kzzert>> Does this employment location contain a certified health insurance plan?

KC: (Sigh) No.

BRAIN: How about a 401K? Those are important.

KC: No.

EYES: How's the view from the office?

KC: There isn't one, unless you count checking out the asses of college chicks.

BRAIN: Wow, this sucks. Are there any benefits?

KC: Yeah, all the booze you can steal. And. Um. We get to wear the same pair of pants every day.


SCENE: KC gets out of the car and walks to the bar.

BRAIN: Maybe we should go back to school. I feel totally up for another degree.

KC: In what? We've already earned a worthless bachelor's and an even more worthless master's. You want to spend more money on a doctorate in something retarded like philosophy?

BRAIN: You know, no matter what, there's always time to kill yourself.

KC: Thanks, bud. I'll keep that in mind.

KC walks into the bar and bumps knuckles with the bouncers.

EYES: Did you guys see how those dudes looked at us? They must think we're sooooo cool.

KC: Or it's possible they've never seen anyone as old as me.

EYES: Do you think they saw our gray hairs? Or maybe the crow's feet?

KC: Just shut up.

EYES: Oh look, it's Wheelie. In college, wasn't he partying all night while you were studying?

BRAIN: Yes. And now he's running the bar you work in.

KC: How smart do you feel now?

BRAIN: Well, pulling all-nighters to write papers instead of canvassing the bars seemed like a good idea at the time.

JUNK: How many ex-girlfriends do you think will stop in tonight?

KC: Dear lord, I hope none.

JUNK: How many ex-girlfriends do you think will have sex with us tonight?

KC: Hands, any idea where that pistol is?

EYES: Before you shoot, the boss is coming over.

Wheelie the boss comes over.

KC: "Sorry Wheelie. I know, I know. If I have time to lean, I've got time to clean. I was just getting psyched up for the night. The kids sure do like drinking on Thursdays."

BRAIN: I don't know what's sadder. The pathetic attempt you're trying to make to be cool in front of your boss, or the fact you still work in a bar at your age.

MOUTH: I bet I know someone who'd like some whiskey.

KC: Me too.

KC slugs a shot.

BRAIN: That's right, manchild. Drown your sorrows, because that will get you ahead in life.

KC: What the fuck is your deal today?

EARS: The music is too loud.

KC: Nobody asked you.

EARS: Fine, I'll just give you tinnitus for the rest of your life. See if I care.

BRAIN: Fine. We work in a bar. There's no mental stimulation.

College Kid walks up to the bar. He's wearing a baseball cap cocked to the side and a fashionable yet overpriced hooded sweatshirt.

COLLEGE KID: "Hey Grandpa! How about two Red Bull vodkas, a G and T and a, um, Bud Light?"

KC: Okay, smart guy. Brain, you want stimulation. Know how to make all those drinks, where the ingredients are, and how much they all cost?

BRAIN: Fucking easy. Hands, get to work.

KC makes the drinks and passes them to College Kid.

BRAIN: Mouth, tell him it'll cost $24.

MOUTH: "That will be 24 bucks please."

COLLEGE KID: "What the fuck? It was $20 last time. Are you skimming off the top to pay for your retirement home and Metamucil?"

KC: "Look Sport, I don't make the prices. But I need $24."

College Kid grudgingly puts down a twenty dollar bill, three dollar bills and four quarters.

BRAIN: That cheap son of a bitch stiffed us!

FISTS: Let me run over the bar and kick his preppy ass!

KC: No, let's solve this with wit.

MOUTH: "Hey fuckstick, thanks for the tip."

COLLEGE KID: "Here's a tip for you old man. Get a fucking real job! Ha ha. I'm so cool and young. Now I'm going to fuck some hot skank that you probably would jack off to if you could still get boners without blue pills."

College Kid walks away and gives drinks to a hot chick.

JUNK: Wow. That girl is pretty.

BRAIN: We just got our ass burned to the bone.

KC: Oh, I'll get him. I'll get him worse than anybody's ever been gotten before.

BRAIN: Are you going to include this in your suicide note? "I killed myself because some undergrad made fun of me?" Because, that will really show him.

KC: Hands, make us two more shots.

KC takes another round. College Kid walks back to the bar.

COLLEGE KID: "Hey Pops. Another round. Can your old ass remember, or do I have to repeat myself?"

KC: "You know, if you're a cocksucker, I don't have to serve you."

COLLEGE KID: "Oh really. It's people like me who pay your rent."

KC: "Newsflash, Homey G. I make my money when people tip me. When you don't tip, you waste my time."

COLLEGE KID: "Cute. Because as far as I can see, you're whole fucking life is a waste."

FISTS: That's fucking it. This motherfucker is going down.

BRAIN: I'm kind of drunk, but Fists has a point. Let's kick his ass.

KC jumps over the bar and grabs College Kid.

KC: "It's time for you to get the fuck out of my bar."

COLLEGE KID: "Says who? You? Hah! Are you going to throw your dentures on me?"

KC: "I wasn't always a bartender. I started off as a bouncer."

COLLEGE KID: "And I'm sure the ancient gay bar you worked in was awesome. Now get your fucking hands off of me."

MOUTH: "I'll get my hands off of you in about ten seconds."

COLLEGE KID: "I'll kill your old ass."

FISTS: That definitely sounds like a threat. Finally I'm allowed to hurt him.

KC wraps College Kid's hooded sweatshirt around his own neck, choking the young man unconscious. The entire bar watches College Kid fall down.

EYES: Holy shit. We killed him!

FISTS: Good.

KC: Fuck, I'm going to get fired for this.

FISTS: He's not dead. Just slap the little pussy.

KC slaps College Kid, and his cocked hat falls off, revealing his receding hairline.

EYES: Oh man, that little fucktard is bald!

College Kid wakes up.

COLLEGE KID: "What the fuck happened? HEY! I'll fucking sue you! Do you have any idea who I am?"

KC: "I don't give a shit."

COLLEGE KID: "Do you have any idea who my dad is?"

KC: "Don't care. Is he as bald as you?"

College Kid scrambles and puts his ballcap back on.

COLLEGE KID: "You have no clue how much trouble you're in."

KC: "Oh well. I may be a grown man with a kid's job, but at least I fight my own fights. And, you know, at least I'm not bald."

College Kid starts running away. The entire bar laughs and pats KC on the back.

BRAIN: You know, I'm so glad we didn't blow our brains out this morning.

Wheelie walks up to KC.

EARS: Did he just tell us we're fired?

KC: Yep.

BRAIN: Well, we can always kill ourselves in the morning.

END

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender

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