Setup: KC and the Organ Gang find themselves in Las Vegas for a bachelor party.

Scene: KC and the Organs wait in line for the Spearmint Rhino.

JUNK: This is going to be great! We're going to see some hot Las Vegas boobs.

KC: I hate strip clubs.

BRAIN: Me too. Expensive and lame. You get nothing out of it.

BRAIN: This old lady is betting on numbers. Let's do that. What are some lucky numbers
JUNK: 69. Threesome. 2-on-1. BJs. Deucehole. Third base.
HANDS: You can't even touch the boobs. It's like taking your best friend's sister on a date.

JUNK: Fuck you pansies. This is supposed to be the greatest strip club in the world! I can't wait.

BRAIN: Since when have you even liked strip clubs? You're the one who always says, "The only time I like to see a naked girl is when I get to fuck them."

JUNK: Yeah, but this is Vegas, and when in Vegas, do as the Romans did. And have orgies and arson and stuff.

(The doorman asks for the cover charge)

KC: Wow, thirty bucks to get in. That's normally seems expensive, but for Vegas, I'm going to guess this is reasonably priced.

KC: Holy crap. This place is crowded.

JUNK: With dudes. EYES, I need you to find some strippers, maybe a spot to sit. I've got $18 in my pocket I want to burn through.

EYES: Um, I'm just seeing a lot of dudes. And smoke. Lots of smoke. Despair and shattered dreams too.

BRAIN: You know, we did buy a pack of smokes. I'm going to smoke them.

LUNGS: Really? Why?

BRAIN: I don't give a shit what you bastards say, because cigarettes sometimes make me feel good and you never care what I think. So there.

LUNGS: Have fun when your stupid "cool looking" habit stops oxygen from entering your skull.

JUNK: We should just smoke weed. That makes me feel all tingly.

EYES: And makes pretty lights even prettier.

BRAIN: Nah, I can't function when we're high. I just want to eat and watch cartoons.

KC: And I see nothing wrong with that.

(A bunch of minutes and cigarettes later…)

KC: I hate to say it, JUNK, but this place sucks.

JUNK: It totally sucks. No matter where we're standing, we're in the way. There are so many dudes here I can't even see strippers. Fuck this. Let's go back to the hotel.

(The gang leaves and enters their hotel)

JUNK: Seriously, the pool at the Hard Rock had better chicks than that place. And you could actually see them. And you didn't need to pay a $30 cover. And we wouldn't have smoked half a pack of cigs since we were so bored.

BRAIN: I'm feeling a bit light-headed. Do they really pump oxygen into these places?

KC: Alright dudes, it's three in the morning. We have another day of Vegas ahead of us. Let's…

EYES: …Sit at this slot machine. Look at all the shiny colors and bright lights!

EARS: And listen to the "ding ding ding" sounds!

BUTT: The chair is pretty comfy.

BRAIN: And don't they give you free booze while you gamble?

KC: Fine. But seriously, I don't even like gambling.

BRAIN: Yeah, but we've never really tried it. So how are you supposed to know if you don't try?

KC: I'm starting to worry about you. Are you still asphyxiated?

(Over the next twenty minutes KC loses a few dollars playing slots. No waitress has come by with free drinks)

KC: Well, fuck this. I could have bought my own beer for as much money as I lost.

BRAIN: That's how they get'cha! How about we ask that hailed-out old dude sitting next to us?

KC: "Excuse me, sir, ahem, I mean miss. What's the quickest route to free drinks around here?"

BRAIN: The gristled old bat said to sit at one of the tables.

KC: But we don't know how to play any of the games. And we're notoriously unlucky.

BRAIN: Let's give it a shot. I mean, we're in Vegas and all.

JUNK: They do have dealers with cleavage. I'm in.

EYES: I still am flabbergasted by all the pretty colors. And look, Star Trek slots. How neat!

EARS: The Hard Rock's music is pretty awesome. Let's chill.

KC: Fine, I'll go to the ATM.

JUNK: Ha ha, ATM.

(KC sits at the blackjack table)

BRAIN: Holy crap! There's a lot of math in this.

(Five minutes later…)

KC: I don't think I could burn money with gasoline faster than I lost it there.

JUNK: Let's rent a naked movie in the room and go to sleep.

KC: Good plan.

(KC leaves the blackjack table)

EYES: Wow! Look at that spinnin' wheel! And the ball bounces around and falls into a slot. This is the roulette table! Let's just sit down and watch this for a minute.

KC: Fine.

Old woman playing roulette in VegasBRAIN: That old lady just won $800. We could use $800.

JUNK: Dude, fuck this. Let's go upstairs.

BRAIN: Hear me out. Think of how awesome this trip would be if we won some money. We still have that twenty dollar bill, right?

KC: Yeah, but really, the sun is coming up.

BRAIN: Twenty on black please.

EYES: That ball just goes round and round in circles. It's kind of neat. And no math. That's cool.

BRAIN: Thirty-three! Is that black? It is! We just won twenty fucking dollars! Fuck yeah!

KC: Alright, that was fun. Let's go.

BRAIN: What the fuck are you talking about? We just won twenty fucking dollars! Let's see if we can make forty fucking dollars.

KC: You know you're going to lose, right?

BRAIN: Look, this old lady is betting on numbers. Let's do that. What are some lucky numbers?

JUNK: 69. Threesome. 2-on-1. BJs. Deucehole. Third base.

BRAIN: Okay, six, nine, three, 21, 2 and three. And twenty on black. Spin that wheel, monkey boy!

EYES: Holy shit. Look at all those chips stacking up. Are those ours?

BRAIN: Some of them. Some are that old lady's. I wonder what her strategy is?

KC: She's putting money on half the bets on the table. It's almost certain she'll win. There's no logic to it.

BRAIN: Look, we're up $152. Already. Just think. That can turn into a lot more money. And we haven't even started yet.

KC: Dude, I'm fucking tired.

BRAIN: That's why we're drinking more Red Bull vodka. They'll keep us up.

OLD CLICKY (KC's false knee): Those things ain't good for you youngster. Back in my day we thought cigarettes were good for us and helped you focus. Then…

Woman smoking at the slots at a casinoBRAIN: Good point. See everybody smoking. They're winning. We should smoke too.

LUNG: No! I hurt!

BRAIN: Not as much as we're going to hurt this fucking casino! They're going to make a Mount Rushmore in Vegas: Frank Sinatra, Elvis, That Tiger Who Ate That Gay Guy and Us.

EYES: Wow, that old lady won again. Look at the piles of money.

BRAIN: Don't worry little guys. We're going to be that rich soon.

EYES: What does green double zero mean?

KC: We just lost thirty bucks. Okay, we're still ahead. Let's go to sleep.

BRAIN: Nah! Naaaaah! Look, you've got to lose now and then. Losing is just fate telling you to try harder.

KC: I don't think that's the way it works.

BRAIN: Don't worry. I've got a plan. And by the end of it. We'll all be rich. EYES, new sunglasses for you.

EYES: Oh neat!

BRAIN: EARS, new iPod. JUNK, all the high-quality porn and hookers in the world.

JUNK: Dude, all this caffeine and smoke is making me wither into nothing.

BRAIN: Fine, then we'll have more money. So we can gamble more.

KC: BRAIN, none of us are having fun anymore. Did you notice STOMACH is so hungry that he's crying right now?

STOMACH: I feel so empty…

BRAIN: Fine. More cigarettes. My next Red Bull vodka will have ice cubes. That should cure the tubby bitch up.

(Another two hours pass by…)

KC: Alright dude. You have nine dollars left.

BRAIN: Yeah. But think. If I land a lucky number that's also black, and even, and in the third twelve, I could win all our money back. Just like that! It's so simple.

KC: No. We'd need to win ten times in a row, because we've already hit the ATM three times. We don't have that much money.

BRAIN: Yeah, but these things happen. We can hit ten times in a row. Just like it's going to happen…now!

EYES: Hey, there's that double green zero again. What does that mean?

HEAD: Ouch! Why are you banging me on the table?

KC: Okay. It's time to fold 'em. Let's go.

HANDS: Hey. There's um, somebody pulling me.

EYES: Hey, it's that old lady who's been sitting next to us for five hours.

EARS: She's saying, "You're not going to leave, are you? I've won $3,000 since you sat here."

KC: Yeah, and I've lost $300. Fuck this. Let's go.

MOUTH (to Old Lady): "Maybe I'm your good luck charm!"

KC: MOUTH, why the FUCK would you say that?

MOUTH: BRAIN told me to.

EARS: Now that old lady says, "We should get married."

KC: No, wait!

MOUTH (to Old Lady): "Totally. As long as I get half of the money!"

KC: BRAIN! Stop this. I'm not fucking around. $1500 is a lot of money, but not that much. Plus, we're better than that.

BRAIN: KC, guess what? Fuck you. That's not $1500 and a shoddy Elvis Wedding. It's actually $34 million! I'm made this fool proof system for roulette. You see…

MOUTH (to Old Lady): "I've ingested so much caffeine, alcohol and tobacco smoke, I wouldn't be able to get a boner with a truckload of Viagra and a busload of Maxim chicks."

EARS: The old lady is telling us, "Nevermind then."

BRAIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why the fuck did you do that KC?!?! I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill youuuuuuuuuuu!

KC: Settle the fuck down.

BRAIN: No, fuck you! What's your problem? I'm trying to do us a favor. A favor by WINNING Money. Let's get back to the ATM. Right JUNK, ATM? It's funny and sexual and profitable.

JUNK: NO! I want to go to sleep. Eventually I'd like to become a Woodrow Wilson again. But if we keep smoking and drinking, that will never happen. And if we keep gambling, we're going to have to get three extra jobs just to pay off these fucking debts. Then we'll never bang girls again.

BRAIN: No. If we get three jobs, we'll have enough money to go back to Vegas. I'm telling you. It's going to happen for us. Maybe we can even get a job in the casino, that way, maybe we'll get discounts on roulette…

JUNK: Dude. You have a problem.

BRAIN: Yeah, it's a problem that all of you are afraid to succeed! We're going to win! Scared money don't make money!

(KC and the Organs enter the hotel room)

BRAIN: Look, you've already got another smoke. I know we're ready to rock. Maybe find some coke to keep us up longer.

LUNGS: Ouch. More smoke. But this is better. Tastes like herbs and spices, not death.

BRAIN: Wait. You. Um. Fooled me. Man.

KC: Yep. That's a joint.

BRAIN: But marijuana makes it hard to pay attention. To, um. Like. Stuff. And you know how, er, tired I get. When I'm, you know. High. Know what I'm saying?

KC: Exactly.

BRAIN: But how am I supposed to win back all that money if I'm….

END

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender

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