(The scene opens in KC's Luxury Pee Slope Apartment. He's giving a pep talk to his organs.)

KC: Okay gang, I've got a date with this really hot chick. Can you please, please behave for me tonight? I don't need another, "Um, I forgot your name but can I get a high five and could you pay for my beer?" date night like last time. Dig it?

EVERYBODY: Whatever.

EYES: Oh, do they have TV there! I love TV! And maybe waitress butts? Those are the best.JUNK: Don't worry, I'm almost getting hard.

KC: Seriously, no boners now.

JUNK: After all I do for you, now you don't want it? I'll remember this.

KC: Look Boner, this is all a ploy to get somebody else to play with you for a change. Hands are getting tired, right?

HANDS: Yeah, we're getting hairy.

EYES: I'm going blind.

(KC exits Apartment and walks to Fancy Restaurant)

BRAIN: I wonder how you're going to screw up this time.

KC: Shut up, I'm trying to think.

BRAIN: Balls. Mega Man II. Farts. Ninjas. Balls. Balls are pretty funny.

KC: Okay, I'm not going to think. Just going to do. Right Brain?

BRAIN: You butchered that Yoda quote, gaytard.

GUT: I'm hungry.

KC: Settle down, we're going to a restaurant.

EYES: Oh, do they have TV there! I love TV! Maybe shiny lights? Oh, and maybe waitress butts? Those are the best.

KC: Look, you're going to pay attention to our date. That's it. Not SportsCenter. Not the sweet-assed bartendress. Not the Christmas lights.

BRAIN: Oh, novelty lights in a restaurant. You're so classy. Will you be having the Colt 45 or wine out of a box?

MOUTH: Awesome. Let's get shitfaced.

KC: No. Behave. Legs, what's your problem? We're going to be late.

LEGS: Your bad knee Old Clicky is tired. Plus, we're short.

OLD CLICKY: Is Matlock on yet?

KC: How did I get stuck with you douchebags?

MOUTH: You were first in line for brains.

BRAIN: Hehe. Look. Dog poop. I hope somebody steps in it.

(KC arrives at Fancy Restaurant and looks around)

JUNK: Now is it time?

KC: No. We're in public!

JUNK: No problem. Going up.

KC: I can't wait until you get cancer. Eyes, check out the joint.

EYES: I don't see shit. What's she look like? The old lady or the blonde? Look! A poster from the 1930s King Kong. Awesome.

KC: I swear, if you dart around I'm going to stare at the sun for 20 minutes tomorrow.

(KC's date, Zee, arrives)

KC (to Organs): Okay, game time.

JUNK: On it.

KC: No, you're not.

JUNK: What the fuck are you waiting for? The dude washing dishes? If I don't get some action…

KC (to date): Hey Zee. How are you doing? This place is cool, right?


KC (to Zee): I'm sorry, I missed all that. I might be going deaf, too much metal, you know.

BRAIN: You're about as smooth as an Alabama turd right now.

KC: Fine Brain, you think of something to say.

MOUTH (to date): You have nice belt loops.

KC: Mouth, who the fuck asked you to talk?

MOUTH (to Zee): You see Battlestar Galactica last night? It was Cylon-riffic!!! Haha.

MOUTH (to KC): I like laughing at my own crappy jokes.

KC: That's it dickbrain, coffee and ice water for you.

MOUTH: NOO! I can't handle anything too hot or too cold!

KC: Sucks for you.

KC (to Zee): Wow, they seated us right next to the lobster on the dartboard. You wouldn't believe how hard this table is to reserve.

Continue to My Organs and I Go on a First Date, Part 2 »

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender