>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
July 31, 2005

I have a secret for you. I’m not that funny. In fact I’m so unfunny that some people laugh at my attempts. This paradoxically makes me funny. Sit back and munch your popcorn, folks. What I’m about to present to you is a show that rivals that of Siegfried and Roy, only with less man on man on tiger action and more on and on rambling action. I give you…the “Tribute to My Own Mediocrity!”

Don’t go anywhere because one of my lucky readers will win a prize package consisting of a Mary Kate and Ashley Book set, which finally makes it convenient that I only have one reader. Old Mrs. Littleton, come up and get your prize.

Where was I? Oh yes, let it be known that The Leech is good to his fans. I’d rather let them participate than impress them. And I know what you’re thinking.

“But, Leech How did you—” Ah, ah, ahh. It’s a long story how I got my nickname. Let’s just say that it happened at the office one day when Simonne was running copies.

The humor of self-deprecation only works when people don't already pity you.

Leech: Hey Guys, I was thinking about doing an article about Taco Bell or how much the cable company I have sucks. Man, what great ideas that in no way resemble anyone else’s!
Justin: *Peeing in the water cooler sitting down* Are you mental?
Mikey: *Filing my porn collection alphabetically* Yeah, that’s like saying, “I’m going to just pick a humor writer and reference the years of material he’s already done.”
Leech: Just remember that we’re putting the “Handjobs Monthly” under J for jerkin’.

I don’t know what that was about, but anyways, they gave me that name because I’m always so BOLD and confident, just like a worm. Whatever…drink a few beers, and it’ll make sense.

I’ve been thinking lately about some important issues, and I’ve decided that government makes us miserable. Here’s my proof.

  • Have you seen these guys? They’re like 60 years old. Our nation is being run by a retirement home. Peppered hair and politics don’t mix. I think it’s high time we kidnapped congress in a bus, by telling them we’re going to Luby’s of course, and then lock them in a giant theater where they will be mesmerized watching Siegfriend and Roy over and over. Damn those guys are gay though.
  • War is ruining our lives, yet only governments can declare war. Have you ever seen a person try to declare war? No, because it just becomes a fight, and he gets his ass kicked and learns his lesson. Next time you’re holding your buddy’s shivering body through his throes of death in a muddy trench, remember that without government, he probably would only have a dead leg and a wedgie.
  • Are you seriously still reading political advice from The Leech? For Christ’s (or Vishnu’s) sake, I giggle every time I see the word C-Span. And even then I’m only flipping through to see if they have any hot news items I can focus the first and last paragraph of my column on.
  • When you get shot down by a girl, I think it should be legal to call her parents and tell them what a mean, slut-bag bitch their daughter has become without their boyfriend imprinting his high school football championship ring in your forehead. Or at least I do now. I’m calling her boyfriends parents too. I’m going to write my congressman.
  • Governments censor the public’s free speech. Much how Court censors my articles. He is a despot. How dare you edit out the 2 pages where I rambled on about— (Edited for content.)
  • Maybe we should vote Siegfried and Roy into office, I hear those guys are cool.

Where was I? Oh yes, changing my position on an issue from one vehement extreme to the other. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense to you fans, ya’ll are a bunch of losers anyway. What can I say, when I’m right, I’m right.

I’m sorry kids, The Leech didn’t mean that, he just gets cranky after a long day…week…year with no tail. But if there’s one guy who knows how to fool himself into thinking he’s happy, it’s me. What you got to do is shrug off your failures and laud even your simplest achievements. Perfect example: I’ve already opened up a sixer to help me forget this column.

Another perfect example, I entered a contest with 15 other writers despite the fact that there's no way I can be funny on a weekly basis. But I won, and I made sure to celebrate that small win by submitting a directionless ramble of a column every week. Hey I won, it's my prerogative. If you have a better idea for a column, I'll gladly take it. I might not even ask. *Hello is this thing on?*

I still can’t believe that girl rejected me and then had her boyfriend rough me up. Maybe I should go homo, that seems to be the trendy thing these days.

Excuse me while I go fill out my application for Siegfried and Roy’s stage hand job… filed under J.

COMING SOON: Anonymity.

The Rock 'em, Mock 'em Col 'em Series – Consider yourself roasted. Conceited Monotony (Justin Rebello)
Drama'Coaster of Drama (Simonne Cullen)
Everything But Content (Mike Forest)
Verbal Purges (Nathan DeGraaf)
Sex Last Night (Ali Wisch)
The Hard On (Mikey on himself)