>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
July 24, 2005

As we reach certain points in our life, we often take a nostalgic look back at the good times we’ve had. We remember the laughter, dancing, and singing with favor. But for all that praise, none is ever devoted to the troubling times that change us. For once I’d like to say, “Here’s to the Drama.” Without it, my column would garner more than sorority girl giggles, and maybe gain a male following.

Here’s to the Drama in the classroom, when we aren’t skipping of course. Here’s to that bitch who’s wearing my outfit, and here’s to the creep staring down my shirt. You have given me an excuse to be absent, and a target for my vicious gossip. Thank you for making a normal situation tense and awkward. Now if you’d just understand. This low-cut shirt was mine first, and I’m wearing it so CUTE guys can notice, namely, the professor. Here’s to making A’s with my nice set of C's.

Here’s to the Drama with my roommate. Thank you for borrowing my clothes without asking, and bringing home guys who make you moan like the squeaky door for which you still have not filled out the repair order. I truly value the love/hate relationship we have. I enjoy throwing fake smiles at you and pretending we’re like sisters. I love telling my real friends that you’re a vapid bitch, despite the fact that we act identical. I love hating in you what I love in me, including the boy who dated both of us without our knowledge. Here’s to the one I despise, but still make out with whenever I’m drunk.

“Okay, WHOA! There is waay too much drama in here.”

Here’s to the Drama at home. Thank you parents for not understanding me, and for making me get a job. I love it when you give me sound advice that I ignore. I love complaining about all the rules you make except when I need money. I love being bored off my ass and not having to worry about whether I used protection last night. Thank you for the return to simplicity, soberness, and piety. Thank you for the friends I forgot even exist until I hear a rumor that they hooked up with my latest crush. Here’s to the lifestyle I should be living, and the drama of non-drama.

Here’s to the Drama with my girls. Thank you for sticking together despite all the arguments we shouldn’t have had in the first place. Thank you for not figuring out who your boyfriend cheated on you with. *Blush* Thank you for holding up my hair when I puked and my shirt at Mardi Gras. I love the jealous look in your eyes every time I wear a push-up bra and win the guy we compete over. I love getting dressed up with you when we go out to bars, but not as much as calling you a slut later in the night when you find a guy and I don’t. Here’s to the girls who’ve stayed behind me no matter what. That reminds me…

Here’s to the Drama with my guys, whether they’ve been behind, in front, on top, sitting, standing, laying, or in my mouth. Well, at least those guys whose names I can remember. I love ruining good friendships for a half-hearted orgasm. I can’t get enough of continually falling for the same brand of asshole. I’ll never get tired of laughing at your drunken attempts to hit on other girls, but then accepting your offer when you finally ask me. I love your pink polos, popped collars, and Pabst-ridden breath. On the outside you may look like a prick, but it’s the prick inside me that I’m interested in. Here’s to all the bull I have to put up with just so I can get 8 seconds of riding you like a cowgirl.

Here’s to the Drama with my liquor. You’ve saved me numerous times from having to face the reality of my meaningless life. I love the face I make after every shot, and the money I waste on you to forget my job which I keep to support my drinking. Believe me when I say I’ve fallen for you, numerous times. I thank you for the resulting up-skirt view of my panties provided to every guy present. I suppose I must also thank you for the fact that they all have seen them before. I gotta love the hangovers you give me, maximizing the amount of regret one can have before 9am. Most of all, however, I love how you always manage to win me back. Here’s to Jack, Jim, and Jose, for all the fuzzy mornings following sketchy nights. Thanks for the non-memories.

Here’s to the Drama with my money. Even though you never seem to be there for me when I need you, I know that you’ll come flowing in when I need you, or when I show a little skin for the fellas. You don’t mind being used in our non-committal relationship. You come and go, but never without thinking of me and buying me something nice, or maybe naughty. I love how sometimes you play hard to get, making me struggle all day and night just to see a little of you. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d like to see more of you and make you all mine. In the end, however, I can at least count on you for a quick buck. Here’s to a fulfilling life with an empty wallet.

But most of all, here’s to my own brand of Drama. The drama I create out of nothing to make myself feel important. Here’s to the casting, the set design, the acting lessons, and the screenwriting I do every week, taking my everyday life, and milking it for all its worth. It is of course buttermilk, bittersweet, and appealing to no one. This dramatic milk I use to make my own brand of cheesy one-liners. I munch on these as they complement so succinctly my sour, unrefined glass of whine. Here’s to low standards and high spirits.

The Rock 'em, Mock 'em Col 'em Series – Consider yourself roasted. Conceited Monotony (Justin Rebello)
Drama'Coaster of Drama (Simonne Cullen)
Everything But Content (Mike Forest)
Verbal Purges (Nathan DeGraaf)
Sex Last Night (Ali Wisch)
The Hard On (Mikey on himself)