Doing Nothing for Minimum Wage
 >>> Edited For Content

By staff writer Mike Forest

April 20, 2005


I’d like to thank everybody who voted last week. Either I have more
than two readers now, or they all pretended to be different people. Either way, I loved the feedback and Court was so pleased that he tripled my salary.

The votes are in and they tell me a lot about my readers:

  • deffinately working for minimum wage (Get used it, you’re gonna be there a long time.)
  • How to graduate without doig anything! (Doig me, you whore.)
  • I'd like to read “How to graduate without doing ANYTHING.” I'm having trouble with the working for minimum wage thing, but graduating
    without doing anything sounds like it could be quite a bit more help.
    (Give more blowjobs.)
  • how about how to work for more than minimum wage and not kill yourself…
  • Please, please, write about “how to work for minimum wage and not kill yourself' cuz i'm still trying to figure that out myself and i
    think a little comedy on the subject of my pathetic existance would help out!! Thanks!
    (Haha, you’re pathetic! You’re welcome.)
  • graduate without doing anything cuz its fucking hallarious (No, you moron, it’s impossable.)
  • My vote is for “how to work for minimum wage and not kill yourself” since thats pretty much what I'll be trying to do all summer
    (Live in a constant state of denial, it’s right next to Michigan.)
  • I'm about to graduate without having done anything, but I could use some advice on the job situation. (Make sure your name tag is on
    straight and you have the appropriate amount of flare.)
  • I'm one for a combo: “How to graduate and not kill yourself” (42…props if you get this.)
  • Let's go with the “How to Graduate Without Doing ANYTHING” article… I already have a job. (Go fuck yourself sideways.)
  • My vote is for “How to Graduate without Doing Anything”. Far more valueable as an educational resource (No, I think your
    brain is a much battar edukashunil resworce and should be studied to see how someone as stupid as you can actually do the things necessary to stay alive.)

You guys are pathetic. You can’t spell. You’re lazy. You’re unskilled at life.

This wasn’t a write in, but apparently, I’m supposed to touch on every permutation. It’s like electing Howard W. McCain…or something like that.
Luckily for you, I feel up to the task.

I’d like to tell you how to graduate without doing anything, but there was already a great article on the front page last week gave you all the pointers you really need. Higher education isn’t about doing nothing. If it was, I
would have a doctorate, a PHD and a huge penis. The truth is that college…excuse me…a university is a lot of work. You community college people who can’t
pass classes are out of luck. Why don’t you go back to high school and try again. Seriously just start over, at least it’s free.

The fact is that anything worth doing is worth doing well. If it’s important to you, you’ll figure out a way to do it. So, as
much fun as we have getting crazy and making fun of how much we drink, smoke and do our best to kill ourselves, it's all for a greater purpose:

A) Run daddy’s business.
B) Live off a sugar daddy/momma.
C) Hit the streets and find a job through good ol’ fashioned nose-to-the-grindstone tactics.
D) Live in a box and die alone.

If you circled D, then you’ve taken a step in the right direction. Once you realize that you have no future and you may as well die now, you’re ready to start
living—and no, I didn’t steal that from Fight Club…okay well not exactly.

A very wise man—okay a paddleboat captain—once told me that once you’ve failed and realized it’s not the end of the world, you’re not afraid
anymore…of anything.

Think about it….

We’re all terrified of failure. At least I know I am. What if I can’t get a job right away? What if I can’t move from shitty ol’ Michigan? What if
my jag gets a dent in it?

Well, I’ll tell you what. My cell phone is turned off and now so is
my cable. My roomies and I are broke. There’s no shame in that (okay maybe a little), because it’s not always going to be like this. There is a light at the
end of the tunnel and it’s not a train.

It’s the future, and the future is bright. How do I know? I just do. Sometimes you need to hear that. Besides, you can always get a job for minimum wage.

“Would you like fires with that?”

Oddly enough, I had a dream last night that I had graduated and was back working at the first job I ever had. It was awful, a couple of my old regulars asked why I looked
familiar, I reminded them that I made them smoothies and blizzards almost a decade ago, and they tipped me a quarter.

After that I decided that I’m never going to work on my column right before bed again. I woke up with morning wood and a craving for white chocolate mousse and
cookie dough. The morning wood was, of course, not out of the ordinary.

I worked in a cafeteria on campus for three of my six years here. I left work every day smelling like grease and covered in ketchup. I had to put up with morons, imbeciles
and retards—and that was just the management. Don’t even get me started on the depths they scraped to find the dumbasses I ended up supervising. There were
some days I hated every second that I was there. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and drank a lot of Jim Beam.

I’ve never met many of you, but I’m sure at one point most of you fucked with the café workers at least once.

That’s what karma is for.

So honestly, I’ve washed enough dishes covered in honey, replaced enough salt shakers that were broken on the bottom, cleaned out glasses filled with chicken bones,
sprinkles and what looked and smelled like urine, that I honestly don’t care if you do have to work for minimum wage and end up killing yourself.

Besides, it’s 4/20 today. Do me a favor and help a broke guy out.

categories: i.e. Best Drink, Best Party Song, Biggest Wuss, Eternal Stoner, etc.)