>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
September 8, 2004

Sorry guys, my column is going to be late this week, but it's not my fault this time. I swear. No. Really. My Internet connection at home is down…again. I'd tell you the whole story, but no one really wants to read it and I don't want to tell it again. Okay, maybe I'll tell you a little bit. I'll keep it short.

Basically, the guy came to hook up my apartment the first time and screwed up the install. He turned my service on and then he accidentally hit the wrong button and turned it off. Realizing that he's a dumbass, he tried to turn it back on again. The system locked him out, and I was shit out of luck until they could come and manually turn it on again.

Forty minutes on my cell phone with them amounted to them telling me I would have to be home Thursday so that they could send another guy out. I told them I wanted all of my install fee back because they screwed up. They agreed, which surprised me.

I still had to miss work to be there when the guy came back. I sat at home waiting for him for five hours and he never came. I called [Huge evil cable company] up and asked what the hell was going on. They told me he had already come, fixed the problem and left. I still wasn't online. I wanted to kill someone. There was no one around.

“Why the hell did I need to stay home then? They didn't come into the apartment and I didn't sign anything. You're still costing me money!”

They didn't have an answer. Apparently he came and fixed it, but “left the job open.” Whatever that means. I had to wait another 48 hours for things to “clear up.” I told them I wasn't going to pay for it until it was fixed. They gave me the address of the company CEO if I wanted to complain. I hung up on them. I'd already wasted enough cell phone minutes on them. Notice I said “cell phone minutes,” which means they're COSTING ME EVEN MORE MONEY!

I hate [Huge evil cable company] so much.

My Internet has been down as much as it has been up. I've started hijacking other people's wireless networks, but they're less reliable than John Kerry's voting record. Bah zing.

But on to today's topic: I went to a gas station Taco Bell the other day. Not a knock off, a “real” gas station with a “real” Taco Bell. They also have a “real” Dunkin Donuts and a “real” TCBY. The place is bigger than Meijer—real or pretend. (To make this accessible to those of you who don't live in the righteous Great Lakes Region, Meijer has everything you could ever want to buy under one roof, Dunkin Donuts is a poor man's Krispy Kreme, TCBY sells frozen yogurt, and if you don't know what Taco Bell is, I don't consider you a human being.) This place is a mini-mall rolled into one giant gas station. Did I mention that they have a car wash too? Oh yeah and gas.

Anyway, I had been skeptical about trying it because it couldn't be as good as a “real” Taco Bell. But Eric, the guy who pukes on curbs, was hanging out at my place for the weekend, so we decided to check it out. It turns out that once again I was right; the Taco Bell was as substandard as Alabama standardized test scores. And they were out of nacho chips. How can Taco Bell be out of nacho chips? It's like [Huge evil cable company] being out of Internet. It makes as much sense as the quality of their service. Three hours on the phone with them in the last couple weeks. Three fucking hours! Sorry, I'm on a tangent. Where was I? Taco Bell out of chips. Right. Ridiculous.

Then they ask us if we want any sauce. Eric wanted fire. I wanted mild because, well…I'm a giant pussy I guess. They're out of mild. Why didn't you just tell me that to begin with? “What sauce do you want? All we have is hot and fire.” Was that so hard? I didn't think so. I don't think I'll be going back there. I'll drive another three minutes and go to one of the other five Taco Bells around here.

Since we're talking about Taco Bell, can someone please recognize the need for a creative consultant? They're commercials are absolutely terrible. Ever since the stupid dog, I've hated their commercials. “Yo quiero Taco Bell” isn't even proper Spanish. Quiero matanzar el Taco Bell perro punta. Yeah, definitely not marketable.

If commercials are designed to make you want to buy something, then bad commercials should make you want to NOT want to buy the product. Alas, my love for The Bell keeps me going back day after day after day after…

You know, now that I think about it, [Huge evil cable company] has awful commercials too. They have the worst anti-drug commercials (which aren't helping—duh), and those “spend time with your kids” commercials involve turning off the TV. You KNOW that [Huge evil cable company] doesn't want you to do that. Fuckers. I don't think that I should have to watch [Huge evil cable company] commercials when I'm already paying for their service. Who are they trying to sell? I'm already giving them money!

Yeah, Comcast can lick my balls. Oops.