A wry, often smiting look at life and society. Fulfill your inquisitive urge with these thoughtful, deliberate 1-2 punches.

Column Archives | Start at: 2005, 2004

September 2005

Faking Your Way in the World | 9-14-05
What they don't know won't hurt them, right, so why not benefit from a little embellishment? Just go with the lies that come naturally.

August 2005

Douchebags of the Dorm | 8-31-05
Whether you think you have the coolest dorm or not, you're guaranteed to have at least one of these toolkits on your floor.

Defining a Normal Relationship | 8-17-05
Is there any such thing as a “normal” relationship anymore? Here's a thoughtful look into the spoken and unspoken arrangements of bf/gf.

July 2005

Excess Baggage | 7-20-05
Looking for a carry-on bag? Don't count on it. Breaking up 47-piece luggage sets is against department store rules.

The Taste of Certainty | 7-13-05
Self-confidence isn't a problem when you know you're always right. The problem is making sure you always listen to yourself.

Silence of the Wedding Bells | 7-6-05
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the…wait, WHAT?! If your friend is getting married too, prepare for the best: open bar.

June 2005

The First Day of Your New Job | 6-29-05
Your the new kid on the block at Corporate Giant XYZ and co-workers could care less about you. Here the ABC's on taking comedic control.

The Third Wheel of Misfortune | 6-15-05
Hanging out with your buddy and his girlfriend can serve as an ugly reminder of the bane of commitment. Next time, hop off the tricycle.

Fueling the Gas Price Dilemma | 6-8-05
Planning on driving somewhere this summer? Based on gas prices, you might want to consider the closest substitute: eating a slushee.

Poker-Faced Fools | 6-1-05
Poker has already saturated mainstream television and your kitchen table once a week. Now it's actually going to your head.

May 2005

My Dream Girl | 5-25-05
Hollywood's newest power couple leaves the Beech in emotional shambles. And not even one night in Paris could make up for this Katie.

iGrad: Music to My Ears | 5-18-05
The long road to graduation culminates in one day of sweat-drenched pomp and ceremony. Wait, is that sweat or beer…or piss?

April 2005

The Party Oscars | 4-27-05
It's the party to commemorate partying—a glamorous presentation of drinking, entertainment and debauchery sure to captivate your senses.

Doing Nothing for Minimum Wage | 4-20-05
If you plan on graduating without doing anything, you should end up pretty happy doing the same thing working for minimum wage.

Dear God Almighty | 4-13-05
You've cursed at God a thousand times and broken many a promise. How will you show Him you deserve to not have a roommate?

The Benchmark of Achievement | 4-6-05
Four years of college for one piece of paper, a handful of loans, and no job. Congratulations, new alumni, it's time for you to start donating!

March 2005

How to Get to the Final Four | 3-30-05
Without actually playing for one of the teams, getting seats at a game can be tough. Consider plastic surgery to resemble Dick Vitale.

Spring Breakthroughs | 3-23-05
Will girls ever realize the implications of the Girls Gone Wild “t-shirt for boobies” scheme? Will you get an STD from that cheap exotic hooker?

Post-Oscar Trauma | 3-2-05
When Chris Rock's failure to drop the f-bomb results in lower ratings, and Johnny Depp misses another Oscar, you know something's wrong.

February 2005

Sleeping with the Enemy | 2-23-05
Bedding, thread counts, pillows, duvets…. Guys seriously, what is the meaning of all this nonsense anyway? Oh yeah, to get laid.

Hindsight for the Romantically Hopeless | 2-16-05
Sure you screwed up every previous Valentine's Day, but there's always time to improve. First, stop calling your left hand a “new date.”

Boldface Rant | 2-2-05
The new Nike commercial, sledding, the “no pants” party, and 7-11 cashier encounters. It's all here…with key bold text for lazy readers.

January 2005

Right-Wing Squarepants | 1-26-05
Spongebob Squarepants: lovably naive cartoon character or overly-animated front man/sponge for the gay agenda?

The “Go Homo” Military Initiative | 1-19-05
Has the U.S. military taken secret weapons research to the homosexual enemy conversion level? Yes, if you believe in “gay gas.”

One Giant Step for Technology | 1-12-05
Camera phones, radio phones, iPods, digital nightmares…. Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned annoying DJ's?

Dave Barry, You Weasel! | 1-5-05
One of the greatest humor writers of our time steps down from the aluminum throne. What will we do without exploding toilet jokes?

December 2004

New Year's Retribution | 12-29-04
Go ahead, make all the New Year's Resolutions you want. In the end you'll just be punished for aiming too high anyway.

Christmas Tool Time | 12-22-04
Straight from the set of the Home Improvement comes an annoying gift for all the people you hate: the Tim Allen box set.

Bus Stop Blues | 12-15-04
Waiting over 45 minutes for the bus in Michigan might leave you bitter too. Especially if it means helping a stranger with car trouble.

The Backwash of Headline News | 12-1-04
They say the last 10% of every set of new articles is 90% backwash. Now you can gargle it around and soak it in for a few paragraphs each.

November 2004

Species of the Urban Bar Jungle | 11-24-04
Discover some of the most common types of nightlife breeds and what to expect from each. Oh yes, it's an alcoholic jungle out there.

Men in Tights | 11-10-04
Underwear shopping: Possibly the least eventful shopping experience of a man's life. Otherwise we question your sexuality.

The Day After Tomorrow | 11-3-04
Bush has been re-elected and the future is still uncertain. Where will you be when disaster strikes?

October 2004

Cast Your Presidential Vote Aside | 10-27-04
Who will it be, Bush or Kerry? Or should you even vote? Time to litter the campaign trail with all sorts of wild propaganda.

How the Cookie Crumbled | 10-20-04
Once upon a time in the land of Spartania, there was a giant fairytale metaphor. It grew larger and more complex, until it sorta fell apart.

Roll the Credits | 10-13-04
A low-budget movie premiere night turns into from bad to worse. Almost sounds like the set of an amateur porn.

Be There or Beware | 10-6-04
There are two major attendance policies in college: class and your friends' 21sts. Don't underestimate the consequences of either one.

September 2004

Social Insecurity: Your Ugly Future | 9-22-04
The government has a special site setup to explain Social Security to kids using fables. Mike has a special column to say, “Fuck you.”

The Electoral College Keg Party | 9-15-04
A closer look at what the Founding Fathers (aka dead white frat guys) really had in mind when designing the voting process.

Thinking Outside the Bun | 9-8-04
It's gonna take a miracle to a) hijack a permanent, illegal Internet connection and b) get Taco Bell to stock all three sauces at once.

The Chicken Dance | 9-1-04
You can spend all night drinking and looking for the right party scene only to realize the best chicks are at the farm house.

August 2004

Velcome to Ahtlahnta | 8-25-04
Sometimes the hardest part about a trip is making it through the airport sane. Leave your firearms at home…for your own sake.

That's What Sidewalks Are For | 8-18-04
Maybe the Tour de France should be held on a giant sidewalk. That'll teach the Lance Armstrong wannabes to stop biking on the road.

23/M/Lansing, MI | 8-11-04
When the college bars close or you're just too old to fit in anymore, the Internet is there to catch your drunken, pathetic fall.

The Beech Comes Out Swinging | 8-4-04
The humor gods accept the ultimate sacrifice from the newest columnist on PIC: a scathing tribute to the rest of the site.