Post-Oscar Trauma
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By staff writer Mike Forest

March 2, 2005

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What does one have to do to win an Oscar these days?

Not much apparently, unless you’re Scorsese—which I am sure none of you are. If you do happen to be good ol’ Marty, then you don’t have a chance.
Ever.

So how does one win an Oscar?

Well, these days, the obvious answer is to be black. Foxx, Denzel, Halle, Freeman…the list goes on and on. Well, not really…but I
think you get my point….

“You’re a racist bastard.”

You’re only partly correct.

The other thing you can do is to be Clint Eastwood. Clint, you may feel young, but you look like you’re approximately four months dead. I’m not saying
he’s old, but as he gave his speech I could see his skin doing its best to peel itself away from his head and crawl to the grave where it belongs.

Leonardo DiCaprio – I will continue to not care whether he lives or dies while simultaneously planning his demise.

Personally, I thought most of this year’s nominated movies sucked or were just plain boring. However, now that awards season is
finally over, I can let the past year go after I take one final swing at it.

So here, without any further ado (okay maybe a little ado), Beech Rambles About Stuff That is Mostly Related to the Oscars.

Biopics – The sooner people realize this is just a fancy way of saying, “We don’t have an original story, so we’ll make you watch the life of
some other guy who is undoubtedly better looking than you, has more money, and has had more sex with his pinky finger than you could hope to have in a thousand
lifetimes,” the better.

Sideways – Unless this is preceded by “I fucked her” and followed by “with a stick,” I’m not interested. If I never have to
type Giamatti’s name again, I’ll be happy…well, not happy, but less suicidal than usual. Big fucking deal, you drive around and drink some wine while your
buddy tries to fuck everything in sight. Meanwhile you’re doing your best to bang a waitress. Oooooooh. I’m impressed. Sike.

Hilary Swank – (Actual made-up quote) “Wow, look at me, I’m so talented, I used to live in a trailer park and now they give me awards and let
me wear ugly dresses. Did I mention I look like a man? Why don’t I ramble on for another hour? Oh right, there’s the music again…”

Johnny DeppQ: How many movies does Depp have to be awesome in before he wins a golden statue? A: At least one
more. Get over it.

Cate Blanchett – No way could she have been better than Natalie Portman in Closer. Did Blanchett even have a strip scene?

Emmy Rossum – I love you. Marry me and have my love child. Or at least have a threesome with me and Natalie Portman.

The Tupac Documentary – They’re just trying to promote his new album while he tries to get the band back together for one more tour.

Documentaries in General – Blah blah blah, boring. If I want to deal with real life, I’ll open my eyes or watch “Newlyweds.” Give me
escapism please…or at least nudity.

Chris Rock – He was brought in to provide a ratings boost. Good choice. This year’s numbers were down five points from last year. He didn’t even
use the 5-second delay that they gave him. Not even one f-bomb? Come on Rock, I thought you were a pillar of mainstream profanity. You can do better than that. I fucking know it.

Other Categories – Why even give awards for things no one cares about? “Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or
Published”? How about “Best Sound in an Animated Short Drawn on Toilet Paper” or “Last Actress to Get Up and Pee During the Awards Ceremony”?
Or even “Best Sound in the Women’s Bathroom During an Animated Short Bathroom Break During the Awards Ceremony? Why don’t they give an award for
those?

Foreign Films – I thought this was America. We don’t care about anyone but ourselves. Why should the Academy Awards be any different?

Who are you wearing? – Route 66. Available at K-marts everywhere. Joan Rivers should be shot and fed to Starrrrr Jones-Reynolds-Fannie May. Also, whose
decision was it to let Kathy Griffin out of her hole? They should also be shot.

Clint Eastwood – I think he gets a kick out of making it known that Million Dollar Baby was shopped to every studio in town who passed on it. It’s Clint
fucking Eastwood. If he told me he wanted to make a $100 million movie about string, I’d green light it. Are executives stupid? Wait, I know the answer to this one:
purple.

Leonardo DiCaprio – I will continue to not care whether he lives or dies while simultaneously planning his demise. The Beach? What were you thinking?
If someone tried to cast you playing me in a movie, I would kill myself with whatever I had handy. Currently, I have a flexi-straw and an AK-47, but no one wants to make a
movie about the glamorous life of a humor writer. Although, it’s a shame because I’ve actually got it all worked out:

The Pitch:

It’s Sideways meets The Aviator meets Lord of The Rings meets Ray meets Million Dollar Baby meets The Incredibles.

The story centers around a character based on me. I am black and blind, but over a glass of wine I feel needlessly compelled to return a necklace to a female boxer who
looks vaguely like a man who lives on the moon. On the way, I discover that I have super powers and build my own spaceship that can hold the entire population of the Earth
(except for the Middle East).

We’ll call it Lengthwise.

I’m thinking it can be made for about a billion dollars. It’ll be a big hit. Look for me on the red carpet next year. I’ll be decked out in OshKosh
B’Gosh and escorted by my mother. But I don't think you'll miss me in my L.A. Lights anyway.

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