Cast Your Presidential Vote Aside
 >>> Edited For Content

By staff writer Mike Forest

October 27, 2004


American politics are a waste of time.

But in less than a week, Americans will once again waste their time deciding who the next leader of the free world will be. Will it be Kerry? The Southern Democrat with
the long face and lazy eye? Or will it be incumbent President Bush. Dubya. Da “G” Man. Dopey in an everyman endearing kind of way (unless you're a terrorist of

I should probably inform myself on who the candidates are so I can choose who to vote for. But how can I learn as much as possible about both
candidates without really working too hard and missing my soaps? John and Tiffany are about to elope. *Squeal*

Campaign slogans. Brilliant.

Okay. Bush. I'll just turn on Fox News. What are those prudes chanting? *Turns up TV* “FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MO—” *Mute*

What? Four more years? Are you serious? We may all be dead in six months. Four more years of tax breaks for the rich. Four more years of lapses on gun ban laws. Four more
years where the rich get richer and my piece gets smaller. Four more years of a God-fearing-Super-Conservative. Four more years wondering when Cheney’s heart is
finally going explode.

“Let's pretend that I have opinions exactly opposite your own. Do you really want me to cancel out your vote?”

But comically now, folks, four more years may not be that bad a deal. A wise man once said “better the enemy
we know than the one we don't.” It's got some logic to it. We know what Bush is capable of, all we have from Kerry is a plan. A “plan” is great. You should always start with
a plan. But sometimes it's fun not to have a plan. Like maybe you didn't “plan” to end up sitting on a sidewalk talking to a horse(cop), but it happened. Maybe you didn't
“plan” to get a blowjob from your best friend’s girlfriend. Deal with it. You probably didn’t “plan” on going to jail. But at least you got some material from it.

All I'm saying is that it could be fun to live without a plan once in awhile. It's like touch football in middle school. All of Bush's friends would have pads and stuff, but
Kerry would make a better QB, 'cause he's taller.

Speaking of Kerry, I couldn't find a slogan for his campaign, per se, but I did find one that bashes Bush and
that’s almost the same thing as supporting Kerry. Unfortunately, it is the dumbest slogan in the history of slogans:

ABB: Anyone But Bush.

Come on. Anyone?

I'm clearly not a Bush supporter, but this slogan sucks. You're saying that you would rather have the guy who is in the Barney suit running the country than Bush? Pee Wee
Herman? Pete Townsend? Saddam? Osama? Denis Leary?

Get a fucking clue.

The problem is that we're so polarized (no, not a synonym for drunk). The fence-sitters like me get the worst of it. We have the extreme crazies hollering at us from both
sides not realizing that neither candidate has it all correct. Most of you aren't making truly informed decisions anyway. You have knee-jerk reactions and just fling
yourself based on single issues. Gay marriage. Yoink. Iraq! Yoink. Dick Cheney is an asshole. Yoink. Yoink. Don’t argue with me. I know you. I talked to a bunch of
you assholes this weekend, and last weekend and the weekend before that…

“But, The Beech, didn't you hear that—”


    A. Conservative
    B. Liberal
    C. Independent
    D. Quaker


If you are any or all of the above, don't talk to me. I don't need your opinion on top of my own. Keep 'em to yourself asshole. Here's an idea. Why don't you get to know
ALL the issues rather than just a few pet projects. I can’t find a candidate who I agree with totally, so I may not vote.

“But The Beech, You should choose the lesser of two ev—”


I know I know. I should vote. I should “make my voice heard.” I'm actually a little scared of P. Diddy's “vote or die” campaign. Sure, this is the honor I have of living
America. I get to vote. Yay! Which one is less of an asshole! It’s like trying to decide between sleeping with Justin or Emmanuel: you just can’t win.

How strongly do you stand by your convictions? Pretty strongly I bet. Let's pretend that I have opinions that are exactly opposite your own. Do you really want me to
cancel out your vote?

“The Beech, that is what democracy is all about—”


That's better.

I sure as hell don't want your vote to cancel out mine. I stand by my convictions pretty damn strongly myself, because I think they're right. If I am right, you must be
wrong. Forget tolerance! It's not possible. Get those heads out of your asses.

Stop encouraging people to vote. I stand by this for two reasons. First, most people are stupid. I've proven that time and time again. Second, the more people who vote,
the less your vote counts. I may have barely passed any math class past high school, but even I understand that. If I cared enough, I would convince everyone else not to
vote and then secretly vote and decide the whole thing—but I'm way
too lazy for that…plus it's gotta be illegal.

Tell ya what. I got a real cause for ya. Vote PIC. I know all you Internet nerds have some message board or something that you post on. Tell all your friends to vote PIC.
Have them visit the site and see what we got going on. Colleges, let's hear you holler for your writers. Lawrence, University of Victoria, Northeastern University,
UC-Berkeley's Haas School of Business, Michigan State and whatever the hell Nicole is doing, make posters of the website and put them around campus. Jump on before we
become too cool and yesterday's news. Tell ya what, if you campaign for us, take a picture and we'll try and get Court to put a few up on the site.

Or not. Whatever. I'm not too worried about it.