>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
January 26, 2005

Another Monday morning at my quaint PIC office. I was hung over from the night before; I’d tell you about it, but I don’t really remember anything that happened. The crayons I was using as darts weren’t working too well, but it was better than the makeshift Twister board I had made out of a refrigerator box. According to UPS, the new saddle for Mikey wouldn’t be in until the end of the week-I guess I may as well start my column….

I flipped on my PC and surfed over to Yahoo to read some headlines. I was halfway through my usual lunch of Flaming Hot Cheetos, Jack Daniels and Rolaids when I saw what I was looking for: a headline so asinine it made my head hurt.

“Grungebob” Perfect.

I’m not a huge Spongebob fan, but certain states of mind do lend themselves nicely to a viewing session. I’ll tell you this, If I hear one more person say that Mr. Squarepants’ show is part of the gay agenda, I’m gonna have to whoop some right-wing ass.

First off, sponges and starfish are asexual. If anyone on the show is gay, it’s the very David Hyde Pierce-ish Squidward. He plays a clarinet! Remember the guy in marching band who played the clarinet? Look him up. I guarantee he’s gay. But then again, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

Personally, most of the cartoons I watched growing up had to do with pantless animals, and I’m only mildly fucked up. I even managed to get over my furry fetish with a little counseling.

The current conflict over the undersea celebrity rages on two sides. Surprise, surprise. Once again the nation is at odds with itself over what it wants.

On one hand we have the option of “manifying” the yellow one and perpetuating stereotypes (not RCA, AIWA and GPX, which are types of stereos), continuing to entrench centuries old ideas of masculinity and femininity by giving the absorbent square a man-makeover.


We can continue to protest, picket, and run screaming from anything that might offend our narrow-minded, needle-through-a-camel’s-eye viewpoint.

The first option was undertaken by the oh-so-five-minutes-ago boys from Queer Eye (for the Ambiguous Sponge). They suggested putting him in Timberlands, LL Bean flannel and Diesel jeans topped off with a Yankees hat.

*Sarcasm alert raised to pink*

Yeah…because the Yankees AREN’T gay. (For once, Justin will agree with me.)

*Sarcasm alert lowered to musky orange*

Another one of them suggested that Bikini Bottom could benefit from a Hooters and NASCAR race or two under the sea. Beer-guzzling, a five o’clock shadow, and cold pizza are pillars of manhood to the fab five and they think that an infusion of that into the show would prove he’s as straight as a really straight arrow.

How well this will go over with the other side of the coin is anyone’s guess…as long as they guess that it won’t go over well at all.

From the tightly-clenched cheeks of James Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, an extremely conservative group, parents may want to consider redecorating their child’s playpen lest porous little minds be tainted.

They already got to Tinky Winky. The line is drawn here.

I propose a compromise. As long as there’s never a scene where Spongebob and Patric are blowing each other, we see it for what it is: a fucking cartoon. People don’t do drugs because of Scooby Doo. They do drugs because Scooby Doo is actually funny while on drugs. People don’t worship Satan because of Pokemon. They do it because…well I have no idea. The point is: there is a difference.

So to both sides I say “Shut the fuck up.” There’s no need to man-ify a silly little cartoon. There’s also no need to put effort into linking it with the gay agenda…whatever that is.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find the new guy because my toenails need cutting.

Coming soon: Beech rips on movies that everyone else loves.