The “Go Homo” Military Initiative
>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
January 19, 2005
January 20th is the day that all hell breaks loose. Not Hell, Michigan, which has once again frozen over (as it does several thousand times each winter), but the real
hell, wherever that may be. The devil may in fact emerge from his hiding place in Ann Arbor and claim his right to rule the world.
No, American Idol 4 already preemed on Tuesday. That’s not the reason.
This Thursday, $40 MILLION is being spent by corporate and individual ass kissers on inauguration festivities including—and I
couldn’t make this up if I wanted to—a 60-year-old African-American man who dresses up in bright blue spandex and a red cape. His name of course is
Even though I am a proud member of a blue state and will not be contributing a dime to the merriment, I think it is important to retain some perspective and recognize the
ebb and flow of American society. This is, after all, the same country that gave millions to a giant green ogre, a super hero and Jesus the Movie.
I’m still trying to figure that out.
But that’s not all that’s happening in the nation of purple. Even as one Yahoo headline read “Bush Tells Troops ‘Much More Will Be Asked of You,'”
(apparently 1200 lives isn’t enough yet) another one reminds us that
in the mid-1990's a “US Laboratory Proposed Weapon to Stimulate Homosexual Behavior.”
Turns out there’s more to the latter story. Much more.
The planet is overcrowded. By the time you finish reading this sentence, another 20 million people will have been born. It’s almost comforting that 1200 will die
from smoking-related causes today: gotta achieve population control somehow.
For some reason, the U.S. military (motto: “We won’t hurt you…yet”) keeps insisting on researching non-lethal methods of warfare. My research indicates
they’ve been at it for at least two thousand years—although it might only have been a couple weeks (I can’t read my own notes). Some examples that I did
not make up follow:
• Sonic warfare uses Humvees that are, according to a senior defense official, equipped with “butt loads of speakers.” These vehicles are sent to the
front lines where they crank ear-splitting, morale-killing audio terror the likes of Hanson’s “Mmm Bop” and Cher’s “Believe.”
• The “KFC Offensive” involves the slowest fast-food service on the planet. Then when the food is finally ready the
opposing forces are sent on their merry way back to their sand castles/igloos/cardboard boxes where they discover that the “large side of wedges” turns out to
be a “small slaw.” Imagine the morale dropoff. Mwahahaha.
• Frustration warfare uses telemarketers. Ha ha, suckers. No “Do not call” list in Baghdad.
Unfortunately, these tactics still aren’t as fun as killing people, but I guess it’s a work in progress.
Depending on which Pentagon pencil pusher you talk to (I spoke with Bob), the forces of arm may or may not have stopped research on the aforementioned “gay
gas.” According to more documents that I did not make up and send to Dan Rather, this gas was not only developed, but it was tested in frat houses across the nation.
Results proved little either way.
Just kidding, I love frat guys…NO! NO! Get off me!
This is a transcript from an actual conversation soldiers had after being exposed to what some call “fag pollen.”
Soldier 1: Let's kill us some bad guys.
Soldier 2: Awesome. I hate bad guys. *Sniffs* What is that smell?
Soldier 1: I don’t know, but did I ever tell you how hot those BDU's make you look?
Soldier 2: Come here you hunk of man love.
These “queer missiles” are also being used by the good people who brought us “Girls Gone Wild.” You didn’t really think that all girls were
secretly lesbians…did you?
All kidding aside for a moment, this has horrible implications. I thought this was a new millennium. Can’t we focus on flying cars instead of “homo bombs?”
But then again, “Bang, you’re gay” is pretty funny.
Well, if anyone is still reading this, I have to wrap it up now. I have to catch a plane to DC. After I help to make the bash more interesting, I’m going to try and
arrange something with me and some presidential offspring. Let’s just say that Bob hooked me up with some samples.