Seriously, it's an epidemic. Too many people in this country cannot drive worth a fuck. And yet they continue to drive. The government keeps issuing them licenses, and insurance companies are cleaning up. When you think about it, auto insurance companies are quite brilliant. They're basically profiting from stupidity. And if there's one commodity in America that's guaranteed to always be in supply, it's stupidity.

But people really show their idiot mettle on the road. Allow me an anecdote. I was driving from my home in East Providence, Rhode Island to my work in Boston. According to MapQuest, it's a 50 minute drive. To be at work by 6:30, I left at 5:15, giving me an extra 25 minutes of leeway, and taking traffic into account.


When I say “taking traffic into account,” I mean like if a truck full of pigs tips over into a truck full of feces, and state police has to come by to figure it all out. But real traffic all too often gets confused with idiots who don't know which lane to be in, or have any concept of speed control.

Anyway, I didn't get to work until 6:50. There was traffic, all right, as far back as Mansfield, but no pigs. No pigs. No feces. Nothing. Just stupidity. Even though I did close to 100 most of the time, and am an expert at bobbin' an weavin'. Regardless, I was late, and my boss didn't accept “Fucking assholes” as an excuse for tardiness.

But, as those of you who read my column regularly can attest (thanks Iraqi insurgents), I am always one for ideas. So I've compiled a list of highway vermin who need to get off our highways before I throw a shitfit.

Unacceptable Drivers

1. Women. This isn't meant to be funny. And this isn't meant to be all cute and sexist. Women cannot drive. I know a lot of women. None of them, not one, can drive. They have no concept of speed control. No concept of picking a lane, making it through lights. I know a lot of women reading this are getting their proverbial panties in a bunch. Quit crying, okay? I can't bear children. You can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.

2. Old people. I've had it up to here with old people. They think they run the supermarket. They all smell like death. And they cannot cannot drive. In particular blue-haired women (old and female—double whammy!) who can't see over the wheel, and any man driving while wearing a winter hat in August.

3. Immigrants packed in a car. Don't you just hate this? 97 members of the Cuervo familia just made it across the border, have some goofy flag draped across the backseat, chickens on the ski rack, Auntie Juana and the heroin in her boob stitched into the backseat, and they are all doing about 7 kilometros por hora down the interstate. You already made it across, now hurry up and get a job picking fruit. Que?

4. Anyone driving a minivan. If I have to explain this, you probably can't read anyway.

5. Families. Ugh, the incestual cousin of the minivan. And for the record, despite the fact Dad is probably driving, I don't blame him. You got idiot Mom in the passenger side trying to navigate with all the composure of Muhammad Ali in a Jenga competition (ouch), and you got the 2.5 children in the back yelling, hitting each other, throwing things. Dad's just trying to maintain speed so he doesn't lose his damn mind and veer into a wall, just for some peace. I say we make all family vacations illegal. Dad has to work 60 hours a week, and put up with this on his long weekend? How is this any worse than raping someone?

Now, some people I don't mind on the road.

Acceptable Drivers

1. Men. You knew that already.

2. Teenagers. A lot of people hate teen drivers. I've got no problem with them. They drive fast. They don't think before acting (hence making traffic move very smoothly). And often they are blaring some lovely rap to look badass and intimidate me. It doesn't work, but who doesn't love hearing some Fitty Cent while cruisin' the Ave? Word.

3. Drunk drivers. Here we go. Cue “A drunk driver killed my best friend, boo hoo!” I love drunk drivers. I am fully supportive of getting sloshed and driving down the highway. First of all, we need a little excitement in our lives. Second, everything is made exponentially more entertaining with the inclusion of a drunk, especially driving. And driving drunk is fun anyway. Come on, who doesn't love a challenge?

That's about it, and since I don't have any grandiose way to end things, here are some lyrics you might enjoy:

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need commission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative.