>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
January 23, 2005

So the other night I was watching “A Few Good Men” and I thought to myself how badass it must be to be a trial lawyer. I was truly inspired. Okay, that's not true. I wasn't inspired. I hate lawyers, and I don't even think “A Few Good Men” was on in the first place. It's possible, given that TBS has been pimpin' Demi Moore like whoa lately. Isn't that weird? Demi Moore? I thought her career was over. Why not have a Pauly Shore marathon or Cynthia Rothrock on three straight nights? Really go the whole nine yards.

Whatever, time for me to once again play Judge, Jury, and Executioner to Society's newest batch of malcontents.

Defendant: Ashlee Simpson
Charge: Sucking
Plaintiff: Anyone with Ears

I feel just awful for this poor girl. Here's a girl with one simple ambition: to ride her sister's coattails and become America's sweetheart without even a shred of talent. Remarkable in this age of “American Idol,” Britney Spears' “Greatest Hits” albums, Colin Farrell headlining $100 million dollar adventure epics, and a Nelly/Tim McGraw collaboration (a song that actually caused my ears to cry) we've all of a sudden got taste. Is this all just a backlash against everything else that sucks about entertainment, or is this girl really worth all the negativity she's receiving? I don't know. What I do know is that she's been booed off SNL and the Orange Bowl halftime show, and currently there's a petition circulating the Internet demanding she quit her singing career. Over 100,000 people have already signed this bad boy. Can you imagine 100,000 wanting you to quit your job? Nobody's that incompetent. And furthermore, if you check out her website www.ashleesimpsonmusic.com (a website that has to be seen to be believed, simply for the Operation: Smile page), her upcoming tour is selling out and even scheduling additional dates. Something's got to be working.

Verdict: NOT GUILTY, because she makes people like myself who suck at their jobs feel like they could do anything.

Defendant: Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi
Charge: Steroid Usage
Plaintiff: Baseball Fans

Some of you may not realize this, but I am a hardcore Red Sox fan (a subject I don't delve into nearly enough). So I have a simple method for determining guilt in baseball players. If they don't play for the Sox, they should burn in hell for their steroid usage. If they do, well, let them off with a warning.

Fine, I'll be objective. On the one hand, chicks dig the long ball. On the other hand, girls don't know shit about baseball. On yet another hand, it's fun to watch. On one final hand, does anyone really want Bonds to break Aaron's record? Did anyone want him to break McGwire's? Not me, that's for sure. Personally, I hope he develops some kind of rash at the base of his rectum that can only be cured by striking out and being sodomized by J.T. Snow on the walk back to the dugout.

As for Giambi, he's a Yankee, so fill in the blanks. Though I will say it's hysterical to see the Yankees' $120 million player go down in flames. Not as funny as when AROD eventually gets caught alone in the locker room fondling a Derek Jeter poster, but high comedy nonetheless.

Verdict: GUILTY.

Divorce Court: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

For those unlike myself who don't TIVO “Access: Hollywood,” Tyler Durden and Rachel called it quits a couple weeks back. The reason: Pittski wanted kids, and Aniston didn't.

Even for a fair judge myself, this was a tough one. I completely respect Brad wanting any chance to bang Jennifer rawdog. Still, it's her body and what a body it is! Kids are retards anyway. However, I didn't much care for Aniston's excuse that she wanted to concentrate on her career. Umm, Jenny, what career? FRIENDS is over (thank God), and you've made two decent at best movies (“Good Girl” and “Office Space”, the latter of which would have been funny with or without you).

You're not exactly the female Kevin Spacey, and you technically peaked in 1995 when you had the classic Rachel doo, and didn't look like a skeleton. (Sorry, I let Joan Rivers write that last paragraph.) Meanwhile Pitt's made “12 Monkeys,” “Seven,” “Fight Club,” “Ocean's 11,” “Snatch,” “Sleepers,” and gave the funniest performance as a stoner ever in “True Romance,” and you think your life will be better without him? Bitch, please. I ain't gay, but if Brad Pitt wanted my kid, ummm, let's just stop there.

Advantage: FLOYD.

The State of George Clooney vs. Bill O'Reilly

For those not in the know, here's some background. Apparently a tsunami (which is something like a cross between a flood, a hurricane, and Anna Nicole Smith) killed a ton of people over in, I think, Asia. Was it Asia? It wasn't Africa. No, it was Asia.

Anyway, the Forgotten Batman was raising money with the United Way to send over there to buy all the homeless people “One Fine Day” on DVD or something.

Bill O'Reilly, the biggest vagina on cable, caught wind of this, and claimed on his show “The O'Reilly Factor” that he was concerned the money raised wouldn't make it to the victims.

In return, Clooney claimed the foundation lost money because of O'Reilly's unresearched report convincing viewers not to donate.

First of all, let me just tell you I'm tired of us giving a shitload of money to other countries when something shitty happens. Shouldn't we be using the money for something domestic, like building a giant wall to keep Muslims out? (Kidding! Actually, I'm not.)

Second, where are the Sri Lankanites when something happens here? Oh sure, their whole country lives in PlayDoh houses, but whatever happened to “A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better…” or something to that effect.

As for O'Reilly, I love his show. That kind of blazing ignorance on cable TV is unmatched except for that “Strange Love” freakshow on VH1. He's an irrepressible douchebag of the highest order, and rides Bush's dick like a Six Flags attraction.

I guess if anyone's guilty in all this, it's the Sri Lankanites, who were already punished by God for not being Christian. (God, I've got to stop watching “O'Reilly Factor”)

Verdict: My soul is GUILTY.

Read Judge Justin's Court of Bitchslap, Part I >>