TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: HAY MAN IT'S ME CARLTON WHAT'S GOING ON OH SHIT I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE BOX BELOW NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX!
Hey Will! It's your cousin, Carlton! How's life in that apartment you bought? Do you ever talk to Uncle Phil? Or Hillary? I've been living in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom cardboard box. Turns out I can't get far without being ‘hip' like you. Smarts only get you so far, I guess…I have to go, someone just threw out a sizable amount of a shake in the garbage outside the library. Maybe I can scoop some up. Get back to me, compadre.
P.S. Do you have Geoffrey's number?
Carlton
TO: Alfonso Ribiero
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Re: HAY MAN IT'S ME CARLTON WHAT'S GOING ON OH SHIT I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE BOX BELOW NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX!
Hello Carlson, this is William's computer assistant Linda Rhames. Will is currently getting his ball hairs permed but he told me to pass the following message on to you:
hey man getting back to you in between takes of i am legend yo your email was funny with you pretending we were the characters again good memories man haha
Will Smith
(On behalf of Will Smith's transcriber Linda Rhames)
No offers under $500,000 please.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: what
Will – I don't know what you're talking about. Characters? Do you think you're fucking better than us ever since you left Bel Air? Uncle Phil may give you a hard time, but you know he loves you, Will. It's tough love. And don't pretend like you weren't a sparky, sassy, teenager up to no good. You know Uncle Phil disciplined you fairly.
Love, Carlton
P.S. Who's this fuckin' Linda bitch? Tell her to SHUT THE FUCK UP
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: what
Boy pursuit of happiness is tiring! Thousand dollar sensual massages and dips in the hot tub help me relax though peace brah keep up the funny emails but maybe text me instead better yet send the messages to my fan club
William Smith
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Quick favor
Can I borrow five hundred dollars and 78 cents. If you don't want to do the 78 cents that's totally cool (kind of).
Also, if there's ever any small roles in any of your movies, I would be glad to take them all. I play a perfect white woman! We could have a romantic scene together or something! You could put yourself inside of me! We'd be acting of course. Well, I would be acting…acting like I didn't love every minute of it! Haha…GET BACK TO ME.
CARLTON
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: Quick favor
today i did some commentary for the 12th Anniversary Edition of Independence Day. It feels like just yesterday I was doing commentary for the 11th Anniversary Edition DVD! It was wild sometimes I miss the old days of fresh prince but I then I just look around me at everything I have now compared to then and its all good peace brah STOP EMAILING ME
P.S. SERIOUSLY ‘carlton' – this e-mail is unwelcomed harassment and the next person you'll be hearing from is my lawyers
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Quick favor
Hey Will, you must not of went to Grammor College because the next "PERSON" I'll be hearing from is your lawyers? Um, excuse me but last time I checked lawyers plural aren't one person.
P.S. You don't think I'll murder you but I will tear your throat out so you can't scream while I dissect each and every one of your body parts and organs while playing "Getting Jiggy With It" quieter than the human ears can understand but you will recognize the faint tones and you will be thinking the whole time ‘is that….is that Getting…it can't be……….could it?
When you left Bel Air, I set up a sweet corner of a room dedicated specifically to you. Actually it's more like a whole wall than a corner. I set up some candles on the floor and on various places and heights along the wall. They are always burning and the only thing illuminating the room. Then I hung up pictures of you. All the pictures I've taken of you over the years, some where you're showering, some where you're not. You know how I said we needed to replace the light in the bathroom because it was flickering? Well psych bitch that was the flash going off as I took pictures of you taking a shit.
Then my house got foreclosed, so that stuff isn't there anymore, but you get the idea. I love you man, and if you could just star in my new porno series "Will Smith Has Sex With Carlton Banks" it would mean a lot to me. And I would be willing to pay you in half-eaten sandwiches.
