Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man. 

Every now and again, like the waiter bringing the tray of scallops, the wedding party appetizer pops into my life.Women, the world's most renewable resource, can be categorized into four major categories: appetizers, main courses, desserts and leftovers.  Today, we're focusing on appetizers because that's how every good meal starts. 

Now, there are more than just a few types of appetizers but all appetizers have something in common.  They're often very tasty, they're not enough food to constitute an actual meal and you pretty much just eat them to get your gut ready for the entrée (or main course).  When translating this food talk into observations of the opposite sex, "tasty" means that these women are often thin and beautiful, "not enough food to constitute an entire meal" means that these chicks are typically too stupid or have some other kind of personality deficiency that makes it so no self-respecting man could ever spend time with them long term, and "you pretty much just eat them to get your gut ready for the entrée" means that these are the kinds of chicks that you have a lot of fun with and try a lot of new things with, but it's mainly to practice for future girls who you want to actually, you know, spend time with. 

Now that we have the broad definition, let's fine tune this sucker into different types of appetizers and what they mean to me, the dashing, charming, VD-infected winner that all chicks want to be with. 

The Sports Bar Appetizers

Hooters girlsSports bars often feature appetizers like chicken wings, mozzarella sticks and potato skins.  These appetizers are tasty but hardly qualify as cuisine.  Also, because sports bars dot the American landscape, these appetizers are everywhere.  Which means everyone has eaten them.

Pretty much ninety percent of my one night stands and two of my last three girlfriends have been sports bar appetizers.  These chicks are just cute enough to screw, just smart enough to talk to for a few months, and slutty enough to sleep with you the first time you buy them a drink.  In short, sports bar appetizers are your garden variety, six out of ten, everyone's- banged-them, happy-go-lucky gutter sluts. 

And god bless them.  Because of their commonality, it is easy to avoid settling down with one of the main course style chicks we'll be talking about in Part 2.  

The Casual Dining Appetizers

TGI Friday'sCasual dining restaurants feature, in addition to standard sports bar fare, a few other appetizers, like California rolls, mini-tacos and Southwestern egg rolls.  In other words, they're just like sports bar appetizers only slightly harder to find and consume. 

Unlike the female equivalent of the sports bar appetizer, the female equivalent of the casual dining appetizer isn't available to everyone.  She's fast and easy but not that fast and easy.  Also, there are often some complexities within the female equivalent of the casual dining appetizer.  So, though she's definitely a whore, there are a few times you catch yourself thinking things like, "I didn't know you played the piano" (which is the dining equivalent of tasting an interesting agave sauce in your egg roll, savoring it for a moment, thinking it's unique, and then realizing that it probably comes in a can and gets eaten by tons of Mexicans).

Basically, the casual dining appetizer woman is easy to find and sleep with, just not as easy as the sports bar appetizer woman.  Also, the casual dining appetizer tends to be a little more sober, a little more upper class, and a little less likely to watch American Idol than her sports bar counterparts. 

(Note: It is often very difficult to tell the difference between these two.  As a rule of thumb though, if your random slut smokes, she's more than likely a sports bar appetizer.  If not, she's probably a casual dining appetizer.) 

(Another Note:  The above rule of thumb is no good in California where everything is odd.)

The Wedding Party Appetizers

Wedding appetizer trayWedding parties often features appetizers like stuffed salmon chunks, scallops and deviled eggs.  These appetizers are delicious but you don't get to eat them often because you typically have to wait for a wedding or some kind of reunion before they come back around.  Also, because no one at parties ever wants to be the fat dude who tracks down the wedding party waiters/waitresses, you must wait for these appetizers to come around and thus, can only enjoy them in a very limited capacity. 

I see a girl named Roxy who is a perfect wedding party appetizer.  Like all appetizer chicks, she is hot, thin, dumb, and has very few redeeming personal qualities.  She's also a pill head.  Therefore, Roxy is bad for me, much in the way that deviled eggs are bad for me.  Furthermore, because her schedule revolves around evening appointments wherein she shakes her ass to move product, I rarely get to see her.  However, every now and again, like the waiter bringing around the tray of scallops, she pops into my life, I enjoy her very much, she disappears, and I get drunk and forget all about her. 

The wedding party appetizer is unreliable, rarely attained and delicious. 

The Five Star Restaurant Appetizers

Five star restaurant clam shellFive star restaurants often feature appetizers like caviar, goose egg and steamed asparagus stuffed with diamonds.  The five star restaurant appetizer chick is high maintenance, expensive and very hot.  Typically, she has a foreign name, works as a model/actress/cheerleader/porn star, and is incredibly hard to get a hold of.  And when you do get a hold of her, you can't believe how much money you spent on something that only lasted an hour or so.

The five star restaurant appetizer chick, much like the food, has a name that is hard to pronounce, a flavor you rarely experience, and (as I may have mentioned) an obscene price tag.  Typically, this chick has a boyfriend (or husband) who is very rich and only wants to use you for a brief fling, which is fine with you because you hardly ever get to eat this kind of stuff anyway. 

No matter how many appetizers a guy eats, he'll still eventually want a real meal.  And when that time comes, he'll start thinking about things like nutritional value, fat content, and satiability.  In other words, appetizer chicks will never be the real deal because they are usually not intelligent enough, loyal enough, unique enough or fun enough to stay with long term.  Appetizer chicks are fun, quick and hot, but they never fill the bill.  They merely help men stop thinking about who will fill the bill in the future. 

Continue to Girls are Like Food, Part 2: The Main Course »