This is a description of next Friday night. The cast of characters is a typical group of guys named Benny, Eric, Stevens, and Marvelous, listed in order of bachelor evolution from true relationship Neanderthal to engaged and no longer erectus homo.
Benny is the predator of the bunch, shameless and capable of saying just about anything to a girl. At this point, Benny has not figured out why he needs to fuck, simply the what and on rare occasion, the who. He is a necessary cog in the group machine because he's guaranteed to make you look better in comparison, provide endless entertainment, and actually is a really good guy—to other dudes anyway.
You know your ex is out banging everything in sight or has already found a replacement to fill the tiny void that you left.Eric is the typical "I broke up with my girlfriend 2 years ago and don't remember how the game works." He stares blankly into the eyes of the opposite sex and tends to get drool on the way too tight shirt that sweats with insecurity whenever he gets a return smile. It's relatively obvious that he hasn't figured out a way to get his clothing off with a girl other than to have it simply rip off from the strain of his 160-pound Adonis body. All of his friends believe that with a little help, anything is possible, but that the help may include dousing a girl's brain with the Captain and lying about being unemployed. Either way, he comes off as being so picky that his inner desperation is forced to take constant timeouts from reality to fool around with someone.
Stevens is the loveable, crazy bastard, capable of pulling off just about anything. His infectious personality and strange antics make him perhaps the most likely to shock the world by fucking the bar's hottest girl in the bathroom. The only setback is his long- term girlfriend who gets in the way…sometimes. The night could go either way because he has dinner with the future in-laws on Saturday and doesn't want to be too hungover.
Finally, there is Marvelous, newly engaged and bragging that he escaped bachelorhood sans STD. He is a stud of a wingman because he's perfect drunk—truly fearless, but super friendly. He loves to walk up and put his arm around girls and say things like, "My friend right there is one of the best dudes I know and it would be a mistake if you didn't talk to him…and you're really pretty." He may even accidentally grab her ass, but he's so intoxicatingly charming and innocuous that girls simply allow it. He often gives off the impression that under the perfect conditions, it's conceivable that his penis may usurp his decision-making throne and lead his troops out for one more sexual conquest. We are going to get him drunk and send him out to battle for us.
Enough introductions, let's see how the night goes.
* * *
Stevens leaves the group to buy an unnecessary round of shots for dudes that are already drunk. He gets to the bar and hails a bartender.
Stevens: Four Jolly Ranchers please. (Bartender nods.)
Girl (standing next to Stevens): Four Jolly Ranchers and not a single pair of balls.
Stevens: You got me. These aren't all for me though I promise. What would you suggest?
Girl: Buy us a round of tequila and I'll think of something.
Stevens: Kinda demanding aren't you?
Girl: Kinda curious aren't you?
Stevens: Bartender, two shots of Cuervo.
Girl: You probably won't regret it.
Stevens: Yes, I will. But maybe if I had a strange, horny girl on my nuts, some of the pain may go away.
Girl: Is that how you talk to all of the ladies?
Stevens: Just the ones that make me buy them shit.
The shots arrive, they pound the tequila, lick the salt of each other's arms and suck on limes.
Stevens (with the lime still in his mouth): Ah, finally got you to shut up for a second.
Girl: I was making conversation. I can just leave.
Stevens: Nah, then I wouldn't get to play with your boobies later. Let's do one more of those and then we'll take these girlie shots back to my friends.
He points at his shots to the bartender and orders another round.
Girl: I don't know how to even respond to that. Most girls I think would slap you, but for some reason, I like to be treated like dirt.
Stevens: Perfect, because I can only treat one woman nicely at a time and she's home, not waiting up for me.
Girl: Fuckin' classy.
She appears to think about what he just said, but doesn't say anything else. She just grabs the shot, looks at him in his slightly glazed-over eyes and together they dance the tequila tango one more time. They grab the Jolly Ranchers and walk back in the direction of the group…
Stevens and Girl arrive back at the group with the shots and begin giving them out.
Marvelous: Took you long enough.
Stevens: Yeah, this annoying bitch here made me get drunk and buy her shit.
Girl: Yep, I dove on that grenade and saved all the other sane women at this place.
Benny: Y'all seem perfect together.
Stevens: Maybe for tonight anyway.
Eric is furious at what's going on in front of him. Stevens is verbally abusing this girl and she's begging for more. How the fuck is he supposed to work his magic when he's the sensitive type that prefers to twirl a magic wand than to use it to make a girl's inhibitions and clothes vanish? He begins to cop the predictable ‘tude with the guys.
Eric: I'm not sure if I want that shot, dude.
Benny: Eric, you're killing me here. Stand up tall, drink your confidence and let's go get you at least a 5.5.
Eric: That's kind of you man, but I'm just not ready.
Marvelous: Stop being pathetic, dude.
Eric: Easy for you to say, man from the perfect perch of relationship secured bliss.
Girl: Get over it, dude. You know your ex is out banging everything in sight or has already found a replacement to fill the tiny void that you left.
Eric (literally tearing up): Stevens, where did you find this trash?
Benny: Dude…she's right. You should be taking out your anger on some poor, unexpecting girl. We can all see through your shirt that you're perky so go out there and make us all proud. Try to blow your nose first though. All that crying has given you quite the snot bubble.
Eric: FUCK. (He wipes nose on his sleeve and almost begins to smile.)
Marvelous: Listen buddy. Just tell me who you like and I'll make sure she knows you're here.
Stevens: And I'll stand here and see if I can get…shit, what's your name? Anyway, I'm gonna see about some long overdue rub and tug.
Girl: My name is Penelope and I guess you can air fuck my hand if that's what gets you off.
Benny: I always picture girls with the name Penelope to be kinda sweet and dainty. I learned something today.
Stevens: I'm sure I just bring the slooty out of her.
Not even a look from the tequila princess.
And with that, they hold their glasses up and pound the 10-minute old shots. Stevens winks, rubs his nipples and pulls Penelope off into a dark corner leaving Benny, Eric and Marvelous shaking their heads in admiration.
You are the second girl I've seen wearing that shirt tonight, but she was wearing way better underwear than you.Benny: If Stevens can pull off that shit, you at least can muster up the balls to say hello to a vagina.
Eric: Fuck you, dude. I almost hooked up with that girl the other night and she was super hot.
Marvelous: She was a Bud Light girl. She was being paid to flirt with you.
Eric: Yeah, but there were plenty of people at the bar and she chose me.
Benny: You would have been the first guy to ever take one of those beer hookers home. Didn't you see her bounce to another dude, give him a free beer and tease his cock?
Eric: Yeah…and it broke my heart.
Benny: Okay. Watch me work my magic. I call this the Graze Method. What you do is stand right behind a girl, make the slightest of contact with her and keep your position. She won't move at first because the contact isn't offensive. The goal is to have her subconsciously, in turn, lean back against you until she realizes what she's doing and turns around to apologize. You're in. Watch this.
Benny leans back slightly and nearly falls over as the girl he was aiming for walks away. Without even the slightest flinch, he turns a little to his left and tries again. Miraculously, it seems like it's about to work. The prey doesn't move at first and then circles to see what's going on behind her. Benny springs into action.
Girl: Wow, it's a little crowded in here. I'm sorry about that.
Benny: It's really no big deal. I didn't mind it. Wanna hear something weird though? You are the second person I have seen wearing that shirt tonight, but her underwear was definitely sexier.
Girl's Friend (who's watching this): You're turn is over asshole. Go away.
Benny looks over and realizes that the girl has already begun talking to somebody else. He shrugs, looks back at the dudes who are laughing, and spins to graze again. This time, he picks a much harder challenge because not only is she super hot, she's about a foot shorter, which makes his back press up against her head. She doesn't even pause.
Girl: Dude, what the fuck?
Benny: Shit. My bad. My back seems to like your head.
Girl: Can't blame him. The back of my head is one of my best features.
Benny: I could see that. Its obviously not your taste in clothing of course. You are the second girl I've seen wearing that shirt tonight, but she was wearing way better underwear than you.
Girl: How do you know what type of underwear I'm wearing?
Benny: I don't know. I just picture you to be a granny panties sort of girl.
Girl: Wrong answer, dude. I'm not even wearing underwear.
Benny (choking a little): Can you prove that?
Girl: That depends. Am I really the second person you've seen wearing this tonight? I got it while I was in Kenya. I gave blowjobs to dudes with fatal diarrhea to make me feel better about myself.
Benny: Well, everyone's got a cause…. Now that you mention it, I think hers may have been a different color and it didn't have the shit stain on the shoulder.
Girl: You know the funny thing is that I'd probably take you home and give you the ride of your life if you weren't kicking this generic bullshit in my direction.
Benny: I can change. Would that make a difference?
Girl: Hmmmm. Are you hung like a liar too?
Benny: 10 inches round.
Girl: Mmmmm, like a pizza.
Benny: More like 30 pizzas.
Girl: I don't know if I'm that hungry tonight.
Benny: There's nothing more satisfying than leftover pizza.
Girl: Quite the optimist…
Benny turns around to Eric and Marvel and talks loud enough for all interested parties to hear.
Benny: I have this locked up. You should talk to one of her friends. I've done all of the work. They are dying to for you to fill them with some early morning regret.
Marvel: Give me three minutes and I'll have you walking in on a red carpet.
Eric: Ugh. I hate firecrotch.
Marvel: You'll take whatever comes your way. Stay here until I point at you. That'll be your cue.
With that, Marvelous swoops in and, with a beer in hand, wraps his arm around a girl, slightly snapping the bra she's wearing. He smiles with his head hanging sideways from the buzz he's wearing. He whispers something incredibly inappropriate in her ear and pulls on the string that is holding up her dress. Thankfully, it's double-knotted. She laughs and he points at Eric, who sheepishly approaches, half expecting he was going to have to physically remove Marvelous from the neck of a girl that wasn't his fiancé.
Eric: Sorry about my friend. He's totally harmless. Did he tell you that you were pretty?
Girl: Actually he did.
Eric: He uses that one on all of the girls. I would have said something about your eyes.
Girl: And that would have been kinda cheesy.
Eric: Well I am hung like a pizza. (She cringes.) Uh…nevermind. I suck at this.
Girl: Suck at what?
Eric: Specifically talking to you I guess, but life more generally. I had all of these things written on my hand to say to you, but they got washed off by my beer and sweaty palms.
Girl: Wow. You aren't a terrible looking guy, but I think I may like you better if you don't talk.
Eric: How am I supposed to convince you to hook up with me th-?
Girl: What do you do when you aren't making a fool of yourself?
Eric: Whale Farmer, I'm a blubber bacon specialist. It's a healthier and better tasting alternative to swine.
Marvel: I love bacon.
Eric: I know you do big guy. I got a case on ice in my car with your name on it.
Marvel: Fuck yeah. I'm hungry. I'll eat that shit in a little, but for now I'm gonna go hug somebody. See y'all later.
And with that, he turns and waddles off.
Girl: That's gross. I'm a vegetarian.
Eric: You've obviously never had bacon from the belly of an orca.
Girl: That's really terrible, dude. Whales are beautiful and essentially harmless.
Eric: You do realize that another name for the orca is killer whale. You should do your research. What do you do when you aren't swallowing meat?
Girl: I work for PETA.
Eric: Savin' the world one mission at a time are ya?
Girl: I guess.
Eric: I have a question for ya. Isn't Earth Day just a capitalistic holiday to sell chocolates and greeting cards?
Girl: That doesn't make any sense. Also, I believe you are thinking of Greenpeace. I work to save animals from people like you and for a fake profession, you really chose unfortunately, dude.
Eric: Should I have said Dog Walker?
Girl: I probably would have found that pathetic.
She smiles after saying this to the elation of Eric. He was in love.
* * *
Now it's time to create the future, quasi-Mad Libs style. Simply copy the text below, filling in the blanks in the comments section, and I'll fill in the rest of the details in "Everybody Gets a Girl, Part 2" in two weeks. The fate of the night hangs in the balance, so choose wisely.
____________ takes his girl to ___________ and __________s her until she ___________. A drunken ___________ falls into a ____________ leaving __________ to massage his/her ____________. When _________ awakes the next morning he notices that there is a ___________ covered in __________. What an evening.