Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to step in here and fix the economy. When you are unemployed, the last thing you want is responsibility, but sadly, you can't send a stimulus package to do a hero's job. It's really pretty simple though. In order to move forward, we have to learn from our successes, not our mistakes. We have to remember that we have accomplished incredible things with much less. We have to remember that there have been trillions of people and not one of them has officially ended the world, yet. Most importantly, though, we have to remember the pyramids.

Pyramids of Egypt
Buried deep within: economic solutions.
I cannot believe they haven't thought of this already. The pharoahic masterpieces built by the happy builders known as the Hebrews are an instant economic bicep curl. It's a very simple business model. First of all, there are no minimum wage requirements, so you can pay your workers shit. Who better than to fill these positions than the CEOs, CFOs, CPAs and other heads of the banking world who now find themselves out of a job due to no fault of their own? These guys were born for manual labor. They just haven't been forced to do it for thousands of years.

We will make these beautiful sky pointers so tall that they tickle the ozone layer. Who needs hubris when you are an American?Technology now allows us to build these five-pointed solutions the right way, from the top down. So this is how we do it. In order to get the necessary stones up to the top first, we are going to have to stack all of the financial big wigs up to the sky, cheerleader style. With all of them working together for the same, selfless goal, these noble souls should have no problem distributing the weight accordingly. Every time another piece of the puzzle is put in place, the man on top essentially hits the spiritual jackpot. He gets to jump and plummet to a meaningful death while the rest of the builders applaud the gesture. Slowly but surely, all the pieces will be put in place until those at the bottom reap the benefits of the heaviest structure ever built and are squashed into mortar martyrs.

The Egyptians built 100 of these great structures so why can't we build 51? One for each state and one next to the Washington Monument to prove how much our country has girthed up in the last 200 years. We will make these beautiful sky pointers so tall that they tickle the ozone layer. Who needs hubris when you are an American? When we want to erect tributes to the financial awesomeness of the USA, we aim for the stars.

Once we go ahead and give each state a wonderful world wonder, the rest of the plan is easy: pray like hell. These structures were originally built as places of worship. Back then, praying used to be as good as currency. All you had to do was mean it and weird shit happened. You could part oceans, precipitate frogs, and ascend from a street peasant to a prince simply by rubbing an old tarnished lamp. You could actually ride a piece of fabric without dropping an industrial strength tab of acid. Haven't we taken a step back in the miracle technology department? As a species, we have no point at the moment and instead continue to de-evolve inside a four-cornered box. How are we supposed to fix this problem if we have to accept responsibility for our actions? That's what God's for.

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