An edgy and inspirational approach to the best and worst parts of life that will get inside your head and kick your brain's ass.

Column Archives | 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005

December 2008

Birthday Asshole Syndrome | 12-15-08
Aside from the presents, and (if you're lucky enough to be Mexican) piñatas, the main benefit of having a birthday is the right to act like an entitled asshole.


October 2008

Campaign Theme Countdown | 10-31-08
America’s bipartisan political system might be driving a wedge into the national identity, so you need to know what to put on your iPod on Election Day.

Operation Sodomize Casper | 10-17-08
Having assembled a ghost-hunting kit MacGyver would cheerfully endorse, I staked out a position for a long night of observation, and hopefully, ghost-punching.


August 2008

Languages I Hate | 8-15-08
Hating other races is not OK, but finding amusement in their quirks is at least defensible. I know a bit about languages and I have an axe to grind with a lot of them.


July 2008

Extreme World Sports Tour | 7-24-08
All nations, with the possible exception of Switzerland, can lay claim to some retardedly dangerous activity. Here's a look at 4 of the most ridiculous ones.

The Wind in My Sales | 7-10-08
Selling things is difficult, and it eats away at your soul like John Madden with a bag of Doritos. But, if you can stand it, sales pays handsomely.

Crock Lobster | 7-3-08
The day will come when you, too, will have to take the mega-seafood hit to the wallet in order to have sex with your girlfriend: THE LOBSTER.


June 2008

Seven Classic Movie Archetypes | 6-20-08
An in-depth examination of The Sidekick, The Femme Fatale, and the Mad Scientist movie archetypes in order to determine if they have any basis in reality.


May 2008

Parental Computing Aggravation | 5-19-08
Now that you're a big shot with a college degree, your parents won't think twice about coming to you with their computer problems.


March 2008

Overdone Celebrity Crossovers | 3-17-08
Increasingly, sports stars are trying to sing and dance, and entertainers are trying to throw and catch. Spare us the misery.

Why Canada is Better Than America | 3-10-08
If Canada is America's hat, it's the kind that's so big on your head that it swallows your face. Plus, like, Canadian chicks are way hotter.


February 2008

Sex Toys “R” Us | 2-24-08
Which treasured childhood memories could make the leap to perverted instruments of gratification? Try Play-Doh and Slinky's on for size.

Pot Sticklers | 2-10-08
When it comes to legalizing marijuana, governments are like PMS-ing women: there's no using logic to convince them to change their minds.


January 2008

The Fame Game | 1-27-08
Fame is a tricky thing to quantify, but as long as there are autograph-seekers and celebrity sightings, there will be a social pecking order.

PETA Panned | 1-13-08
PETA doesn't fight for animal rights, it fights against human convenience. Can you say Phony Exasperating Tiresome Assholes?


December 2007

An Uncensored History of Porn | 12-26-07
Learn how you came to be aroused in less time than it takes you to finish masturbating. You'll breathe a sigh of fulfillment afterwards.

Xmas Movies De-Christianized | 12-16-07
In the spirit of punching up some of the most boring Christmas classics, the movie names and plots are adjusted for a more diverse audience.


November 2007

The Other Walk of Shame | 11-25-07
Otherwise known as the Brown Mile, this embarrassing clench-walk is more than a sight to behold—it's a smell to hide from.

A Day in the Life of David Nelson | 11-11-07
Dave's Casual Friday at the office turns out to be Freaky Friday in the bedroom after an exciting ex-girlfriend reconnection.

Junk Food, Junk Science | 11-4-07
If you're prone to fall for fast food ads, better hope you love to exercise. Otherwise, even the sedentary can barely avoid getting fat.


October 2007

Oktoberfest in Munich | 10-21-07
Dave's 2-day diary of a beer-soaked stay in Munich, Germany for the world's largest fair, where it's proven all beers are not created equal.


September 2007

Relationship Pitfalls | 9-23-07
Commitment is about more than steady sex. It's about accepting each other's weird sleeping hours, deranged parents, and juicy farts.

Color Me Bloodly | 9-9-07
A gritty detective story with twists, turns, and a plot speeding along so out of control it could only have been written by 6 people on meth.


August 2007

Not Tonight Dear, I Have Chlamydia | 8-27-07
The worst part of being sick isn’t the fatigue, or the pain, or even the price of medicine. It’s the lack of sex. Just ask any of Jerry’s Kids.

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime | 8-6-07
Why are creative and unusual sentences so effective? ‘Cause the bad guy is punished, no money is wasted, and we all get a good laugh.


July 2007

You Might Know Me from MTV | 7-22-07
A taste of fame on MTV Live fuels the hunger to have everyone eating up the name “David Nelson.” Now who's starved for an obscure expert?

Putting a Face with a Country | 7-9-07
If nothing else, national personifications make it a lot easier to make allegories and/or stereotypes. Let's just call them stereogories.


June 2007

The Midget Hall of Fame | 6-24-07
The best of the shortest include a skating hero, a baseball slugger, and a backup vocalist. And not a single one of them needed a stool.

Lowering the Bar Crawl | 6-3-07
Testing his uncanny capacity to endure the worst life has to offer, Dave hits the town's most horrible bars, one after the next.


May 2007

Movie Prequels Through the Years | 5-21-07
An examination of prequels and and their equivalent necessity ratings as reflected by random objects. It's a long backstory, don't ask.


April 2007

Six Days of Astrological Obedience | 4-29-07
Horoscopes make vague claims that are smirked at and forgotten. But what if you followed them word for word? The outcome is Sagit-hilarious.

Poker? I Don't Even Know Her | 4-15-07
Rarely does a hobby get you laid, except poker. Learn your jargon, and you'll have two ladies in your pocket and the nuts in hand.

Keeping Diplomacy Kosher | 4-1-07
The key to peace in the Middle East could have been staring us in the face all along: Hooters waitresses. That's right, sex sells AND calms.


March 2007

Choosing a Last Meal | 3-18-07
When you're pretending your next meal could be your last, you suddenly find your tastes surprisingly close to those on death row.

If My Life was a Sitcom | 3-4-07
Applying the conventions of sitcoms to your own life could cause some confusing scenarios. Like, the sexual attraction to your long-lost twin.


February 2007

Parental Moving Humiliation | 2-18-07
What could be so terrifying about taking every single item you own and packing it in your mother-in-law's box? Wait, that came out wrong.

Obsolete Jobs of the Future | 2-4-07
50 years from now, some of today's hottest jobs will already be perfected by robots. Is your career path a dead end?


January 2007

What Your Drink Says About You | 1-28-07
Next time you hear the words, “What can I get you to drink?” you'll know exactly what you're getting yourself into besides “drunk.”

The Time I Met My Grudge Match | 1-14-07
Attending a sci-fi convention is like arguing on the internet: even if you're the best, you're still a loser… and you'll stop for Leia porn.

I'm Bringing Slavery Back | 1-7-07
The main problem with slavery wasn't its existence but its execution. If only we could have the flourishing empire without the racial slurs.


December 2006

Putting the X in Xmas | 12-24-06
Which side will you take when the War on Christmas finally breaks out? Remember Jesus was a Jew, but Santa's just an alcoholic.

Celebrity Death Pool 2007 | 12-17-06
Everybody dies, but the big question is when and how. Why not put your money where your top ten celebrity corpses lay?

Creation Denigration | 12-10-06
How come it's the mindless ones who think we're intelligently designed? How about you get your God to CREATE some logic while he's at it.


November 2006

Rock, Paper, Scissors | 11-26-06
To you, RPS is just a game, but there are athletes out there who will single-handedly crush you if you dare to cut them down.

More Bang for Your Kok | 11-19-06
Thailand is a welcome getaway from the daily grind. If you're going to Hell, you might as well get a taste of what to expect.


October 2006

Halloween Costume Styles Unmasked | 10-29-06
A competitive analysis of the 8 types of Halloween costumes, along with who should wear them and how to pull them off (before bed).

Four True Villains and Their Stories | 10-22-06
Every hero needs a villain, and every villain needs to be subjected to horrific torture… Now who's the villain? Think about that.

A Good Sport for Change | 10-8-06
Sports are some of America's greatest historic pastimes, but that's exactly why they've grown stale. It's time to put the IN back in injury.

Status Symbols: A Crash Course | 10-1-06
In this materialistic world, don't forget that money can't buy you Joy. She only does private dances… plus, she's not working tonight.


September 2006

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Colder | 9-17-06
If your girlfriend is being anal about abstinence, there's no use going through the ins and outs with her. Go knock up someone else.

What's in a Name? | 9-10-06
Everyone wants a cool nickname, but you don't get to decide what people call you. Just be glad they're calling at all, Mortimer!


August 2006

It's Not the End of the World | 8-27-06
The Apocalypse may be upon us, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare for it. Or at least go out with the most bang for your buck.

Diary of a Beerfest | 8-16-06
A beer-by-beer account of a day of hot sun, hot girls, and 20 cold ones. Even Anne Frank would be proud this story still exists.

Four True Heroes and Their Stories | 8-2-06
Forget colored tights and camouflaged uniforms. Modern day heroes require a special blend of courage, ingenuity, and animal instinct.


July 2006

The Book of Jobs: A Working Testament | 7-23-06
The secret to a successful career is doing what you love. Unfortunately, blowjobs don't pay nearly as much as jobs that blow.

Open Wide for World Peace | 7-9-06
You can learn a lot about certain cultures by snacking on some of their favorite foods. Did you know Asians are fishy and make you vomit?


June 2006

A Cheater's Guide to Board Games | 6-25-06
There's more than one way to spell out a victory at board games. C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G. Triple Word Score, 89 points!

Words of the Year | 6-11-06
If you love putting the “o” in “oral,” I've got a preposition for you. No need to hide your homonym-erotic tendencies, you're a word-lover.

The Fine Print of Cottage Life | 6-4-06
Looking to escape to the great outdoors, but tired of camping? Perhaps “Cottage Season” is for you. Same thing, only Canadian.


May 2006

Fit for a Workout | 5-21-06
The motivation for exercise and eating right is often hard to find. So are sexy women who don't run away from you. Coincidence? Hardly.

Movie Sequels Through the Years | 5-7-06
Every producer dreams of making a follow-up hit movie. But like any good Catholic family, some don't know when to stop squeezing 'em out.


April 2006

A Touch of Love | 4-24-06
Gentle hands, hot massage oil, and health insurance. So enticing, you'll want to test the boundaries of this awkward professional relationship.

Immigration Fixation | 4-9-06
Immigration is a divided subject, and generalizing an entire race is a border you don't want to cross. Or could one man change your mind?

Pranks for the Memories | 4-2-06
The latest PIC practical joke making you gag? Don't be April fooled, pranks are elaborate masterpieces of the true humorist…sucker.


March 2006

In Defense of Curling | 3-26-06
No other sport can put your excitement on ice quite like curling. If you have the stones for it, you'll find that it's not just pucking around.

Straight Shooting on Gays | 3-12-06
Now that we've swung the closet door wide open on homosexuality, we might as well put ourselves in their shoes for a hot minute.

Viva Las Vegas | 3-5-06
If you really want to live, you have to Viva Las Vegas: free drinks, huge buffets, and loose slots. Slots, I said…CHEAP, LOOSE SLOTS.


February 2006

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow | 2-26-06
Society's need for physical perfection can get in your hair sometimes. Use your head and choose the right person to be your Mane Man.

Unearthing Scientology | 2-19-06
Starting a cult takes devoted followers and an outrageous formula. Observe how Scientologists successfully incorporated galactic tyrants.

College Memories | 2-12-06
If your best college memories involve cafeteria food and philosophy, my condolences. Bullshitting and sexual discovery is par for the course.


January 2006

Crazy People | 1-29-06
As society's lunatics steadily gain in numbers, it becomes imperative that we figure out what the hell causes this erratic behavior.

Living Large | 1-22-06
When you've seen enough of MTV's Cribs, you begin to wonder how your own tastes for extravagance would shape up post-lottery win.

Ultimate Fighting Words | 1-8-06
It might take some sumo training in giant diapers and dirty ball-kicking tricks, but the battle to become UFC Champion is well worth it.

A Short History of Beer | 1-1-06
From lumpy, Mesopotamian hand brews to watered-down Miller Lite assembly line bottles, beer has never been a truly smooth creation.


December 2005

Karaoke Epiphany | 12-21-05
Some fear the musical equivalent of singing in the shower for an audience, others cautiously embrace it's amateur egotistical appeal.

Dating Pitfalls | 12-11-05
On your way to securing the affection of a woman, you'll have to avoid a lot of potholes. You may even have to avoid some other holes too.

Cooking Up a Storm | 12-4-05
There's more to cooking than learning which pieces of plastic wrap to remove before microwaving. Here's a healthy serving of culinary tips.


November 2005

Parental Dining Humiliation | 11-27-05
Restaurants: the one place your parents know they can keep you captive and torture you to death with social embarrassment.

A Typical Day in Japan | 11-20-05
Teaching English in Japan is no walk in the park. In fact, it's actually a crazy train ride away to a playground for educational humor.

Reality Check: Inside Reality TV | 11-13-05
TV has become oversaturated with reality shows. Here's a complete examination of the genre to see if there's any hope left.

Hangover Cures: The Ultimate Experiment | 11-6-05
After a grueling 6-month scientific study of hungover morning afters, the results are finally in for the best and worst hangover remedies.


October 2005

Roommate Woes | 10-30-05
Tales of regret and despair from actual living situations with jerks, losers, slobs, and their girlfriends. Hold on to your possessions, folks.

Stretching the Food Budget | 10-23-05
Just because you live on a shoestring budget doesn't mean you have to turn anorexic. It just means you have to learn to eat shoestrings.

Exotic Bars | 10-16-05
As far as bars go, the more outrageous and unusual the location, the better the drinks. Atypical winners include an ice fortress and prison.

How to Drink for Free | 10-9-05
So you're out of money, but you're not ready to cut your liver any slack, huh? It's time to cross the boundary of bar ethics.


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