>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer E. Mike Tuckerson
April 8, 2007

“Where… the Hell Have You Been?”

For centuries, explorers have sought to uncover the secret of the legendary grail used by Christ and his band of merry men as they fought against the evil Prince of Tides. The grail, commonly known as “Sir Stanley’s Cup” (probably a nickname the apostles had for Jesus), is rumored to have contained the holiest of crunk juices. It has been lost for centuries despite appearance in various films, sporting events, and an ad for V8 Splash.

Like the grail, I too once remained hidden until an elite team of telemarketers and debt-collectors managed to uncover my alias: “Current Resident.” I remained secluded from both bills and PIC alike until rumors involving former staff writer Emmanuel Witzman's disappearance and his role in a freak AstroGlide® and Pop Rocks® accident prompted me to break my vow of e-silence. Rather than allow unfounded rumors about my hiatus to circulate, I figured I could have more fun if I started the rumors myself.

For the urban-minded rumor-mill, I find the “Daylight Savings Theory” appropriate. Since “Daylight Savings” was moved up and extended, rumor has it that I spent weeks lobbying Congress to do the same for Black History Month. Clearly people had me confused with Kanye West, who reportedly “makes black history every day and doesn’t need a month.” Overall, I’m somewhere in the middle about the idea though, since Black History Month technically doesn’t count as a holiday. Though it’s plausible, the theory isn’t as good as the “Band is Gonna Make It Theory™.”

“Whether life becomes stale or you happen to witness a gangland execution, sometimes it’s important to get away.”

This rumor has it that I’ve been touring the country as the drummer for an AC/DC/Rosa Parks tribute band called “Black in Back.” The concept band was allegedly formed to promote the conspiracy that “Whole Lotta Rosie” (from the AC/DC album “Let There Be Rock”) was, in fact, written about the famed civil rights figure. Though there is no evidence to substantiate such a claim, there’s no doubt the music touched many lives spiritually, if not physically.

I will only confirm that I’ve been writing a lot and considering even more travel. Life on the road is great, but I have to settle down in time for graduation before my next trip. As any Tenacious D fan would tell you, “the road is a b-I-itch, my friend; but it’s the only road I know.” Yes, this column is what happens when 60 gigs of music shuffles while you write.

During my break, I set my inbox to forward my mail straight to Hell, which coincidentally was the name of the state I was in. Whether life becomes stale or you happen to witness a gangland execution, sometimes it’s important to just get away.

Despite all that, I’ve decided to respond to a few emails/IMs/Facebook/messages/ruminations and talk about the future of the column in a very special edition of “Your Mom Says Hi.” I hope you enjoy or, failing that, shut the fuck up about it. Cheers.

Your Mom Says Hi

Dear E. Mike,

Hey, man. I noticed you haven’t been writing lately. Did you quit PIC? By the way, I’m seriously thinking about writing for the site. What is the process for the staff? I was thinking of doing like a token black thing, you know. What do you think?

-Some Guy Whose Screen Name I Forgot

Dear “Token,”

I’m glad that you’re in the “thinking about writing” stage. Perhaps this would be a good time to advise you never to begin a career with the hope of being the “token” anything, unless you meant “something of sentimental value.” If that’s the case, I’d begin a career in greeting cards. I hear Hallmark has been searching for the right way to say “Thanks for wasting my time with your email.” Perhaps you can make it an e-card. If you’re serious about writing humor though, I pray that you see the irony in that. Meanwhile, check this link.

Dear Mike,

I notice that your writing seems to always have some kind of message rather than just being funny for the sake of being funny. While it’s entertaining, it isn’t exactly what I’ve come to expect from PIC. Are you looking to disarm readers before engaging them in some form of elevated social commentary or mental Jujitsu? Have you ever called the number on the bottom of those “How’s My Driving” stickers? Am I missing something? Has this issue ever been addressed before?

Artificially Yours,
Obviously-Planted Question

Dear Obviously-Planted Question,


In addition to a number of messages that praised my writing style, there were a number of e-mails that sounded something like:

Dear E. Mike,

Are you really black? I mean, you don’t seem like a black guy…

Composite of Culturally-Inept Readers

Dear Composite,

How much more black could I be? The answer is none. None more black.

Dear E. Mike,

I was writing to see why you haven’t been posting stuff for PIC? Have you been working on anything? You should put something in the blog about what you’re up to.

Paul K. (you don’t have to post my name)

Dear Paul K. (but I insist),

In between a number of writing projects, I’ve been hard(ly) at work failing to produce a humor book for National Lampoon. In my spare time, I’m half-heartedly studying for the GMAT and becoming increasingly dispassionate about graduation. No need to go out on a limb—it’s safe to say I am ready to move on. It doesn’t help that my alarm plays “School’s Out” every morning. Wait—actually that’s my only motivation to go to class.

As far as my PIC writing goes, I’ve written a number of columns, some more promising than others. Rather than submit them, I’ve found they provide more personal satisfaction when printed out and set aflame. It’s not so much that I’m a perfectionist—it’s just that I prefer the term “pyromaniac.” I have actually been working on some new material for the site, particularly something I would actually enjoy writing. Pending I can disable my backspace key long enough to submit something, you’ll have a chance to see it “soon.”