William Tubbs walks into a doctor's office. The doctor and nurse greet him as he sits down on the examination table.

DR. HACK: Hi there, Mr., um… Tubbs? Ha, that's a funny name.

TUBBS: Yeah, like Rico Tubbs from Miami Vice. I get that all the time.

DR. HACK: No, I meant because you're fat. Anyway, I'm Dr. Hack, and this is my lovely assistant Nurse Hooker.

Doctor administering a rectal exam
"Just a few more toys to test out back here and we'll be halfway done…"
NURSE: I'm not really a hooker, that's just my name. I mean I'm not like an actual prostitute or anything. This one time I sucked a guy's dick for fifty bucks at a party, but I don't think that counts. Besides, I was drunk. I was like twelve Jager shots deep already. I get crazy on that shit. You don't even know.

DR. HACK: Charming. So, what brings you here today? Besides your legs of course. HAHAHA! That's doctor humor.

TUBBS: Well, I—

DR. HACK: Why didn't you laugh at my joke? Are you trying to insult me?

Tubbs fidgets and lets out a small, nervous laugh.

DR. HACK: Forget it, the moment's gone. So why are you here? What's wrong with you?

TUBBS: I'm here for my, uh… prostate exam.

DR. HACK: Finger in the ass! I hear ya, Tubbs. Nothing like a good southern trespass to get you going first thing in the morning.

DR. HACK: Hmm…itchy asshole, eh? You thinking what I'm thinking, Jane?
NURSE: Congenital asshole defect?
TUBBS: Oh, man, I don't even wanna think about it. This is embarrassing enough as it is.

DR. HACK: Hahaha… don't worry, that's the old way. We're living in the 21st century, Tubbs! We have state of the art medical dildos now. So if you're ready, just go ahead and drop your pants around your ankles and get on all fours like a dog. Nurse Hooker will strap one on and jam it up in there for a full exam. You want a reach-around? Might as well, right? Your insurance covers it.

TUBBS: Uh… what?

DR. HACK: Tubbs, I'm kidding! Insurance doesn't cover handjobs, come on. What do you think this is, Brave New World? Did you get that reference? That's a book. Something about utopia and drug orgies in the future. Did you ever read it?

TUBBS: Uh… yeah, I think. Back in high school.

DR. HACK: Oh you poor stupid bastard. Those cruel teachers forced you to read timeless classic literature. By choice, Tubbs, did you ever read it by choice?


DR. HACK: Me neither. Man, I got so much pussy in high school. Pfft. Reading. Who does that?

NURSE: Whoa, hang on a minute. Why is he scratching his ass?

DR. HACK: Tubbs, did you just scratch your ass?

TUBBS: Y-y-yes.

DR. HACK: Hmm…itchy asshole, eh? You thinking what I'm thinking, Jane?

NURSE: Congenital asshole defect?

DR. HACK: Worse. Viral Goatsex flu.

NURSE: Oh shit. He's fucked.

TUBBS: Elvira what-sex?

DR. HACK: Viral Goatsex flu. Named after Admiral James Allen Goatsex III of the Royal British Navy. True to his name, he was an incorrigible goat fucker.

TUBBS: Well I don't fuck goats.

DR. HACK: No one here is saying that you do.

NURSE: I'm saying it.

DR. HACK: Okay, one of us is saying it. No, actually both of us. Because that's what causes the disease you have. Well, that and pet dander. Do you have any pets?

TUBBS: I… have a cat?

DR. HACK: Well there you go.

TUBBS: Okay, but… wait. How do you know I really have this disease? You haven't even run any tests.

DR. HACK: Oh I'm sorry, who's the doctor here, me or you? Did we go to med school together? Oh, no… I'm thinking of some other fat guy who looks like you except for the fact that HE'S A DOCTOR.

TUBBS: Well how bad is it?

DR. HACK: It's totally fatal.

NURSE: No cure.


DR. HACK: We can only treat it with leeches. But they don't actually help.

NURSE: Sucks, dude.

TUBBS: Are you serious?!

NURSE: Leeches. On your asshole. I do not envy you.

Suddenly the door opens and a real doctor walks in.

REAL DOCTOR: What's going on here? How did you people get in my office?

DR. HACK: Uh-oh, the real doctor's here. Uh, let's go to my special office so we can finish up here. It's in the parking lot. It's the small white building shaped like a van.