>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
February 11, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Young Urban Americans Get Enthused Over Knitting

NEW YORK (AFP) – The December opening of Knit New York, a cafe and boutique rolled into one, shows a revival in knitting as a hobby.

WAKE UP! This article just started, there's like at least another five paragraphs to read.  We've got a great show tonight…I mean it this time.

People of all ages, male and female, also young people, are discovering or returning to the favored pastime of their grandmothers.

Wait a minute, people of all ages, AND ALSO young people?!? And I don't know about you, but my grandmother's favored pastime is being racist, not knitting.

At Knit Cafe, people are queuing up for courses. Marianne Arroyo taught her 32-year-old daughter Julie there.

If Marrianne Arroyo taught her daughter to jump off a bridge, would you? And also, when did “queuing” become an American English word. I liked it better when only British people said it, so I could say it condescendingly after they do, and before they finish their sentence.


“It's the perfect combination between an excellent cappuccino and really interesting classes,” she said.

Oh, I thought the perfect combination between an excellent cappuccino and a really interesting class would be a Caffe Latin, or a Mathachino. Hahhaha, does the pun ever
stop?!

Sarah Dan, who studies at New York University, knits everywhere she goes: class, metro, cinema.

Ah yes, the cinema, a fine place to knit if you ask me. Because why pay 10 dollars to go into a movie theater and actually PAY ATTENTION. A ludicrous notion indeed.

“I did a whole sweater once in a law class,” she said.

Sounds like somebody is FABRICATING the truth! I am on a roll today. But seriously, that's just a lie.

Dan, who has been knitting for just six months, finds that, although not cheap, it is a gratifying hobby. “It's an expensive hobby, but satisfying and it's a great way to meet people,” he said.

“Sorry, did I say people?” Dan continued, “I meant yarn. Its a great way to meet new yarn. Hey you guys wanna see my spindle?? Where you going?!”

Owen Fisher, retired, started to click the needles in 1997 while undergoing cancer treatment. Doctors recommended knitting would keep his discomfort under control while he was receiving chemotherapy.

“Now Owen, this radiation treatment is going to be very trying, so we want you to make us scarves and stuff while you do it, that should make it easier for you right? Oh, and my daughter wants an AFI beanie so like, when you're free… No rush. No rush.”

“I've never stopped knitting since” then, he said. “It frees me from the social barriers. I basically live here, they even ordered my special tea brand.”

Owen is so naive. His favorite “special tea brand” is Lipton. EVERY CAFE HAS THAT MAN! QUIT LIVING IN YOUR BOX!

“Knitting breaks barriers and encourages communication,” said Miriam Maltagliati, boss of the knitting venues. She is amazed at the success she has seen with them.

“Sorry did I say ‘barriers and encourages communication'” Maltagliati continued, “I meant yarn. Knitting breaks yarn.”

“Who could have imagined that, in a city where no one speaks to anyone anymore?”

Maltagliati knitted that quote onto a sweater just to prove her point that nobody speaks to anybody anymore. This interview took 4 days, or according to that lying bitch Sarah Dan, “One Law Class.”

“Knitting is the new yoga,” said Lily Chin, author of the “Urban Knitter” who works with fashion designers Ralph Lauren and Vera Wang.

“Also, sewing is the new pilates, looms are the new NFL, quilts are the new War in Iraq, and Roger Rabbit is the Casablanca of MY generation,” Chin continued, as she began foaming at the mouth.

“People are tired of looking alike,” she says. “Knitting can help them express their individuality.”

Tired of looking alike eh Lily Chin? You Asians and your slanty eyes…so silly.

Knitting hobby experts say the stress-reducing activity is gaining in popularity. The percentage of knitters below the age of 45 went from nine to 18 percent between 1996 and 2002.

99% of statistics are false. 50% of people know that. 30% of you realize I stole this joke from a Simpsons Episode. 10% of you are still reading this article. 0% of you will leave a comment.

At New York's Cabrini Medical Center, knitting is recommended to ease pain for people who are suffering under difficult treatment. Sewing, pottery, painting and design all help people who are sick “to feel they are still human” despite the pain, said Helen Carrier, nursing chief there.

Legalizing medical pottery?! Now I've heard everything!

And the trend has not escaped the attention of fashion designers who, from Donna Karan to Giorgio Armani, are promoting it.

So look out for the Sarah Dan goes to a movie and a law school class set of mittens, and sweaters. Evidently she produces them at a miraculous rate. I'm sorry, I cant get over that lying slut.

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or weekly newsletter.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.