Okay, I know this title has the word "roofies" in it, and only assholes use roofies. Trust me, I've been accidentally roofied twice and it sucks majorly. But hear me out. I thought of some world-changing ideas for roofie usage—and not just so the creepy guy, backwards hat guy or well-dressed dickface guy can get laid to an unconscious person. Because all jokes aside, that is not cool at all.

But here ARE some cool ideas…

1. Spike Your Boss's Coffee

Roofie tongs over boss's coffee cup
Technology has come a long way.
Do you hate your boss? Come on. Admit it. He's a fucking dipshit. Next time that overpaid bean counter asks you to fetch him a "cup ah Joe that don't taste like your mama's horsepiss!" sprinkle a little Rohypnol in that java. Then, when he passes out, open up his desk drawer, drink his scotch, and put the empty bottle in his hand. When he wakes up, he'll wonder what the fuck happened. Hopefully he'll either jump out his window or corporate will chop his balls off. Either way, you win!

2. Recreational Purposes

Seriously, I know guys who used to take roofies for fun. I guess it's like being really high, or really drunk. Or both. I don't remember. You could always pop your own date rape drugs and go on some crazy-ass adventures like in The Hangover.

3. Take Revenge on That Annoying Drunk You Hang Out With

Light bulb in rectum xray
Illuminating where the sun don't shine: not such a bright idea.
Everybody knows one. That guy who can drink a crate of Everclear and still muster up the hand-eye coordination to cockblock you, coerce you into buying $9 Patron shots for fat girls, and then put his dick on your face when you pass out before him. Well, this Friday night, give him a shot of his own medicine and let him suck down a Mickey Finn. This asshole's liver is pretty indestructible, so don't worry about him overdosing. Just fret if you're getting enough photos of him with a light bulb sticking out his butthole.

4. Redneck Hypnotism

Pizza burger
This is what happens when you finally get what you want.
Allegedly people do whatever you ask them to if you roofie them. Sure you could use this for crude sexual acts, but you could also get your roommate to finally sign the fucking lease to your apartment, get your professor to give you an A, or convince the lunch lady to make you a taco pizza burger. The possibilities are endless.

And the most awesome way to use roofies is to…

5. Shut Up Your Annoying Girlfriend

Now, I've actually done this before. And good gravy almighty. It works, and it is awesome.

Girlfriend sleeping on bed
Hallelujah! Peace and fucking quiet!
You know when your girlfriend just won't shut the fuck up or stop crying. Tell her you have a headache and want to take a Tylenol. Women are notorious for not being able to take pain, so she'll likely want a couple of your pills. Only these aren't regular Tylenol, they're Tylenol PM. In about five minutes, you'll both be asleep drooling on yourselves. No more fighting. No more yelling. Unfortunately, you don't get  to have that great "I'm mad at you but I'm hoping this fuck session will cure our problems" sex. But, you do get a solid eight hours of sleep. And sometimes sleeping pills give you crazy-ass dreams. Like last night I dreamed I was getting on a party bus with Cheech & Chong and a bunch of 1980s pornstars… but you don't want to hear about that.

So next time you're wondering how to screw your boss over, tranquilize that annoying drunk friend, or quit fighting with your girl, just slip them a roofie. Just make sure to pee first. Because you might wake up in the morning and have a brand new fight on your hands.