Because you know you never asked for it, here’s a list of stuff that keeps me up late at night:
Pitcher Dewon Brazelton disappeared for twenty days without any explanation and the Devil Rays have already let him back on the team. And he still hasn’t told us where the hell he was. Apparently, my friend Larry and I are the only people bothered by this lack of communication. It really gets to me. No other team would stand for this garbage. My little league coach wouldn’t stand for this. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays; team motto: Really, We’re in the Majors. We promise.
I have an unhealthy love of fireworks. The week before Fourth of July, I have a real hard time getting to sleep because I’m busy making a mental checklist of stuff I wanna blow up.
I try to fall asleep while imagining myself shooting certain people in the face, but then, right before I get to sleep, I jerk wide awake because I know that somewhere, someone is imagining shooting me in the face. Crazy bastard.
What were the Pistons thinking taking all those jump shots? Your game was in the paint, guys. So now Tim “seriously, I’m not pouting” Duncan gets another ring. The guy’s as interesting as bran flakes. Why oh why?
Since I’ve gotten into this internet column thing, I’ve seen a lot of blatant attempts at plagiarism and or general copy-catting, and, when I see said thievery, it always makes me think, “Why can’t you come up with something original? There’s so much cool stuff in the world.” Then I lie awake at night, trying to think of a column topic, and I understand.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a place where fads could actually go when they’re gone? I wonder what “scrolling belt-buckle” heaven would be like.
I like to imagine that all the people who visit Florida in the summer are either masochists or demons preparing for hell.
Man, how good a professional baseball player would I have been if I had just practiced ten times as much? Probably still not as good as Bob Ueker.
Maybe I’ll get to sleep if I just drink one more beer…