Derecho storm

Sub-headline news is where I take today's headlines straight from Yahoo! News, paste them in bold, then add what should've followed, had the reporter been trying to lose his job.

Rare storm wreaks havoc like sideways tornado
Oklahomans claim the Wicked Witch of the West is back

Rihanna returns to the red carpet at Met gala
Says she intends to put the whole Chris Brown thing behind her again next week too

Star college player hasn't found NFL team
Continues to scour country for anyone "wearing pads and looking strong"

Pakistan attacks Taliban militants with helicopters, mortars
Helicopters unsure what to do when Taliban run inside caves

Report: More than 1 in 5 homeowners are currently underwater
Only 1 in every 25 homeowners lives in a pineapple under the sea though

1,200 homes evacuated as SoCal wildfire grows
Officials say wildfire is spreading like wildfire

Boston Globe reaches tentative settlement with largest union
Massachussetts eager to make settlement official with marriage license

Calif. couple, toddler found dead in apparent murder-suicide
Unstable toddler had history of violent tantrums

Car bombing at Baghdad produce market kills 15
11 baby carrots included in death toll; parents appeal for peace

Man accused of trying to smuggle songbirds under his pants
Songbirds singing beautifully thanks to ballsweat lubrication

15 lawsuits claim denture cream caused health problems
Defendant plans to stall proceedings until plaintiffs hurry up and die

Banks returning bailouts will face conditions
Oklahomans demand they take the form of sideways tornadoes