Violets are Lame

Roses are red
And sometimes pink
And yellow
And white
And orange
And I’ve seen that people add dyes to roses
And create
Unnatural-colored roses
Like black
And blue.

Anyway I love you.

Here’s a goddamn card.

Badass

You are my everything,
My sunshine,
My oxygen,
My reason for living. 

It’s just such a shame
That you’re a figment of my imagination
Because being a superhero would be totally badass.

Wood’s Love

In your eyes I saw
The crinkled red cracks of last night’s drunken tomfoolery
And then I went back to bed
And you went into the kitchen
Or the bathroom
Or somewhere else
(It doesn’t really matter).

And when I woke up you were gone. 
Thanks for that. 
You’re the best,
Whoever you are. 

Perception

Nobody sees you like I see you
Because they envy
Your childish happiness
Whereas I
Pretty much just stare at your tits. 

Pedicure

I wanted to apologize
For all the times I upset your
Better sensibilities,

until you took me to that gay ass nail salon.

Then I wanted to punch you in the face.

But I didn’t.

Love gets the better of me sometimes.
(Don't ever fucking take me there again!)

Vows

Love is tender
Love is kind
Just like a good blow job.
You keep that in mind.

Appliance 

The best lack all convection
While the worst are filled
With the stench of rotting,
Leftover meals. 

I told you we shouldn’t buy a used oven. 

Motive

When we grow old together
I want the world to know
Just how it felt
To live with you
And love you.

Unfortunately
There’s no statute of limitation on murder. 
So that’s our little secret. 

Rest in Peace.

Anniversary

Our love is like an atom bomb
Dropping majestically from the heavens
On an unsuspecting Japanese population
Who scream in terror as they are engulfed in flames,
The lucky ones to be forever mutated. 

Our love is like a river,
Shallow and narrow and tough to navigate and generally filled
With urine and fish. 

Our love is like a cliché
It’s been done
Time and time again. 

Our love is the passionate whimsy of two people
Who would rather not see each other naked anymore
And are just wondering what’s on television. 

Our love is proof that God has a sense of humor
—a sick, twisted sense of humor—
And because of our love
I can say this and mean it with all my heart:

You are really fat. 

Bill

A rose
By any other name
Could be pretty cool
If the name were like
Death Star Mega Whack
Or something equally awesome.


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