Recently, I stumbled upon one of the strangest vending machine foods I've ever seen: a mysterious bag of “Pirates of the Caribbean.” At first glance, I couldn't even figure out whether it was actually an edible selection, or whether it was just “dummy product placement” for something that couldn't even be purchased. But alas, I couldn't resist the allure of a blockbuster movie in my mouth, so I whipped out my gay change purse, stuffed that bad boy vending machine full of silver, and AAAAAARGH!, out popped a bag of “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

And you'll never believe what was inside.

Unlikely Things I Found in my Pirates of the Caribbean Fruit Snack Pack:

– A “Get out of walking the plank free” card.
– Script for Pirates of the Caribbean: Aaargh, Another One?, aka Pirates of the Caribbean 13.
– Jerry Bruckheimer's wallet, stuffed with flavored condoms.
– The curse of the pink clam.
– Johnny Depp deep in character with a banana.
– Kellogg's Gummi Flakes.
– Lawsuit settlement papers from Sir Francis Drake.
– Walt Disney in Orlando (Bloom).
– A hook for P. Diddy's next smash R&B single.
– Remnants of a Toast Chee wrapper torn to shreds.
– Traces of Geoffrey Rush's last orgasm (thanks Keira Knightley).
– Fruit flavored gold Johnny Depps dipped in hot caramel.
– A treasure map detailing a path leading to an X at E8.
– An FDA label stating, “Contains 5% Caribbean.”
– J Lo's booty.
– Preview for Snakes on a Plane fruit flavored venom energy drink, available on DVD January 2007.
– A dead man's chest hair.
– A 45 cent refund.

I guess now we know why the movie grossed so much.

Here's to another yummy sequel!