Apparently, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wrote a letter to President Bush proposing new ways to resolve their differences. The letter included such statements as, “You know I love you; I’m just not in love with you” and “Sometimes, I feel I have to build a nuclear arsenal just to get the attention I so desperately crave from you.” President Bush had an aid read him the letter, and afterwards, the President was reportedly in tears. Said Bush, “I just wish Mahmoud wasn’t raised an only child. He’s so needy. I know we can fix this relationship, but well… this whole nuclear power thing. I just need some space.” I hope everything works out.

According to reader Kevin from Boca Raton, Anna Nicole Smith’s sperm donor is suing Anna because he has decided to bury the entire legal system under a heaping pile of irony. No word yet on whether or not PIC’s own irony addict, Court Sullivan, will be covering the proceedings.

I would love to see a list of all the people President Bush has appointed to various positions since he's been President. I’ve seen Red Lobsters’ with less turnover. (By the way, Bush’s new CIA chief looks exactly like Red Foreman from “That 70’s Show.” I can’t wait for him to put his foot in the ass of terrorism.)

Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, died Sunday. I’m a little pissed off she didn’t request to be buried at sea. ‘Cause that would have been hilarious.

Barry Bonds refused to sign his 713th homerun ball for the fan who caught it. The fan, however, was forced to sign a waiver to appear on Bonds’ reality show. I never thought it could be possible, but Barry Bonds has actually found new and exciting ways to be a self-important dick. When he ties Babe Ruth on the all time homerun list, hopefully he’ll tell the fan who catches the ball to fuck off. Then, when he passes Babe Ruth on the all time homerun list, I hope he actually craps on the fan who catches the ball. You know, just to keep the dickhead streak alive. I love broken records.

According to a recent poll, President Bush’s approval rating fell to 34%. That means, there are currently ten Major League baseball players who are more likely to get a base hit in any given at bat than Bush is likely to meet someone who thinks he’s doing a decent job. Or, to put it another way, if you made Bush’s approval rating into a class grade, then doubled it, he still wouldn’t get a C in the class. Or, to put it still another way, Bush sucks the sweat from a dying donkey’s ass crack.

And finally, because logic and fluidity refused to sign off on this piece because they are total dicks with no respect for anything other than themselves, I leave you with the following, which I saw spray painted on an Ybor City wall:

“If Bush is a dumbass, what does that make the people who voted for him?”

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