There are few days on the sporting calendar that matter much more than the first Wednesday in February. Possibly only the NFL Draft can match National Signing Day in terms of irrational reaction. It’s a day that everyone—sports fan or not, current student or alum—should take part in. Below I’ve laid out some possible scenarios your team may face tomorrow, along with the correct reaction to allow you to fit in with the diehards.
A recruit de-commits at the last minute to sign with your rival.
Proper Reaction: This situation should be seen as a personal insult to your school and you as a human being. Join your fellow fans in firebombing his Facebook page. If you can accrue a cell phone number somehow, drunk dial him tonight pretending to be his biological father.
A 5-star recruit commits to you out of nowhere.
Proper Reaction: Absolute jubilation. Begin touting him as the next big thing. Add him on Facebook and give him tips on which sorority sucks the best dick.
Your school signs someone defined as an "Athlete."
Proper Reaction: Immediately tag this guy as a sleeper. Could he be your team's answer at quarterback? Probably not, but maybe he could play safety! He’s so fucking versatile! Sure he’s 5′ 5" tall and only weighs 147 pounds, but his speed could be an asset on the defensive line!
Your school has a top-5 recruiting class.
Proper Reaction: FUCK YES! Stock up on liquor for the ensuing celebration next bowl season. Begin designing a statue for your master recruiter of a head coach; it will come in handy after you win four straight championships.
Your school has a terrible recruiting class.
Proper Reaction: Get drunk. Google Image your head coach; these pictures will be helpful as you create the effigy you’ll be burning outside the stadium later tonight. Blame your current players. Blame Obama. Blame the BCS and blame God. Find a student assistant in one of your classes the next day and punch him in the face. HE SHOULD’VE GIVEN THE REACH AROUND!
Your school does nothing particularly exciting.
Proper Reaction: If you go to school in Kentucky or below, remain critical. Blame your coach’s lack of charisma. Make a YouTube video where you burn a t-shirt. Pray. If you attend school anywhere north of Kentucky, crack open a beer and be happy anyone wanted to come to your freezing ass state.
You attend WVU.
Proper Reaction: Blame Bill Stewart. Use your relatively widely read blog to bitch about it. Take a deep breath and remember that no one thought Pat White would do shit. Immediately laud any black QB as the next Pat White. Light something on fire. Fuck it, there’s always next year.