I have some suggestions for improving baseball as we know it (I know. You’re shocked). Let me just say that these ideas will make money and bring in ratings. Owners, listen up.
First, get some announcers with personality. Humor improves everything. Seriously, how funny would it be to have one Adam Corolla style sense of humor in every broadcasting booth? I can see it now:
Boring Announcer: And Jeff Kent comes to bat. Kent, enjoying his year now with the Dodgers.
Funny Announcer: Yeah, he’s really enjoying it. The guy hits the strip clubs more than Lisa Lipps. Seriously, what’s with that porn stash he’s sporting? I think Coach needs to get out there and remind him what year it is. He looks kinda like a cop, don’t he, Boring Guy? Is he wearing blublockers?
Boring Announcer: Er, yeah. Here’s the wind up, the pitch and there’s a hot shot up the middle. Rodriguez dives for it and makes a great play.
Funny Announcer: How many Rodriguezes are there in baseball today? It’s gotta be like three percent of the league. I think I’ll change my last name to Rodriguez… you know, just to insure that my kid has an outside shot at making the majors. Plus, he’ll probably get some kind of minority discount at college. It’s win-win.
Boring Announcer: Um, yeah…
Three hours of that kind of humor, and the phrase “color commentary” would mean something again.
Second, I don’t care who the announcer talked to before the game, ate lunch with, or watched growing up. No middle aged broadcaster should get paid good money to prattle on about that time he went on a cruise with Ozzie Smith. It’s boring and it excludes the audience. Dipshits.
Finally, you want to improve ratings? Two words: hot chicks. This sport has no cheerleaders, sideline reporters or models. It needs some. And I have a suggestion that could save this game: a party section. That’s right. Have one section that allows only hot chicks (who get in for free) and rich guys (who pay triple the ticket cost so as to ensure a good ratio of women to men and offset any loss of revenue caused by letting the hot chicks in for free). During day games, this could be a tanning section, complete with fruity drinks, limbo competitions and (most importantly) half-naked hot chicks. Oh yeah, like you wouldn’t go to every day game with the best binoculars you could find. During night games, you turn this section into an amateur strip club: wet t-shirt contests, lap dances, even a baseball bat swallowing contest (I can see it now. Tim McCarver’s standing there, microphone in hand, saying the following: “I’m here with Judy Allen, who swallowed thirteen inches of this regulation Louisville slugger, setting the new Wrigley Field record. Way to go Judy.”)
Humor, excitement and hot chicks. I mean really, how hard is it?
Well, I’ve done all I can for you baseball. You have two choices: learn from my wisdom or keep putting out a dated and boring product.
It’s up to you.