Garbage Time

Some random thoughts and observations littering my mind as I recuperate from a long weekend that involved three cities, three ballparks, and more beer and hot dogs than one human being should ever have to endure:

• Yeah, that’s right. I decided to self-title this blog entry. You’ll live. Weezer got away with it twice, so I’ll take 50% of the liberty and 0% of the financial gain by copping out just this once. I’ll even settle for 1000% of the groupies if it makes you happy.

• Every time I see a fat person behind the counter at a fast food restaurant, I think to myself, “Looks like someone’s been sampling a little too much of the merchandise,” and every time, I laugh to myself because – haha – I’m not fat.

• The over/under on “the day that Dan Opp can finally grow a full beard” is being set at my 28^th birthday. I expect this to be like Nate’s break-up pool, only without the fan participation or a concrete resolution.

• My dog’s favorite dessert is Death by Chocolate.

• The only difference between a religion and a cult is the size of the congregations.

• I become very angry whenever I see the following quote in a girl’s AIM/MySpace/Facebook profile: “A well-behaved woman has never made history.” Listen, tramp. Giving head to three guys in the same night does not make you the next Susan B. Anthony. Perhaps the quote should be changed to, “A conformist gutterslut has never made history.” I find this to be far more accurate.

• I’m calling it right now. “The Emmy for Best New Comedy goes to…..Lucky Louie!!” Seriously, watch that show.

• From the commercial for Flomax comes my new, all-time favorite medical symptom: weak stream. Are people seriously consulting their doctors about this?

Doctor: Soooo, Mr. Opp, it says here you’ve been having trouble urinating?

Hypothetical Me: Well, I wouldn’t call it trouble, per se. Like, it doesn’t burn or anything. It just doesn’t have that…..punch. You know? I want a little sumthin’ on it. When I take a piss, I wanna chip ceramic off the lid. I wanna be able to piss and give my wife a back massage. You know what? Fuck that. When I piss, I wanna be able to powerwash my driveway.

Doctor: Sounds to me like you need Flomax.