A reading from the Letter of Saint Nicholas to the Grinchians:

And the Sixth Angel broke the Sixth Seal and did release strange creatures, which did solemnly look not unto like a bunch of really high people cosplaying at a Comic Con.

And lo did the strange creatures look upon the cities of Man and sayeth: "Woe be unto ye who hath forsaken Xmas shopping until the morning of THIS DAY; Parking thine vehicle alone will be like unto perdition. Verily shall ye find yourself in mall queues measuring 100 by 100 cubits, and shall endure much wailing and gnashing of teeth, particularly those of ye cast down amongst the shoppers cursed to bear both a trolley filled to the brim with shopping for which they intend to pay via credit card, and prams containing many shrieking little antichrists.

"And the Angel of THE LORD did say: "No, that Barbie dreamhouse is sold already, sucker."

And woe betide ye who also leaveth buying a turkey until THAT DAY. Fowl taketh many hours to cook and all the plumpest and juiciest of birds have anyway been taken to be carved and shared amongst the families of the Chosen. And you who were late to the feast will have to settle for Turkey Loaf, which neither looks like a turkey nor hath the bones of a turkey, nor tastes thereof, but is instead a strange and tubular thing that defies both description and digestion. And the Christmas puddings of the tardy will similar also not defrost in time, and ye will have to microwave it hence and risk being struck down by the Angel of Botulism astride her mighty Porcelain throne of Judgement.

Weep, ye late-comers, for solemnly we tell thee that your mall shelves will be empty of all but the most remaindered of material goods:  books written by Jackie Collins or Sidney Sheldon, or mayhap a Dan Brown or two with the cover missing and the last three chapters printed upside down or in Mandarin. And also shall there be clothing of colour offensive to the eyes of the Creator, and unraveled of stitching to reveal an amount of flesh that would be deemed unsightly by even the Whore of Babylon.

And seek and ye shall find Bratz dolls with their heads glued on the wrong way, or with the incorrect number of limbs, and Edward Cullen figurines wearing Bella Swan's jacket and Spiderman's legs, or bearing Jacob Black's tattoo on their shoulders in some grievous mistake of nature and the sweatshop worker which did paint them, all the action figures whole in the sight of God having been bought by the righteous in the weeks before now. But ye who are desperate and late unto the Kingdom of the Mall will buy these goods anyway, lest ye suffer the wrath of thine children and spouse.

And lo, there will be much despair, and you will curse at the roving carolers to leave ye in peace, but they know not of silence and will continue to shriek off-key verses of "Good King Wencelas". And verily the Seventh Angel shall sound their trumpet, but alas, the Angel will not be an Angel but a man, and the trumpet shall be not a trumpet but shall be a saxophone, and it will be revealed as Kenny G doing a musak instrumental version of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas,” and the shoppers will bleed from the ears and scream for the sweet release of brimstone setting them aflame and delivering them from the musak, but there will be no relief, for verily the mall will be open for several more hours.

And I saw a pale rider astride a pale horse, and thou some people tried to tell me it was Santa, I knew that it was not, for the Mall Santa had left already for parts unknown, and Mall security followed with him. And that Pale rider's name was Mike, and he was a Parking Inspector, and he issued ye with a ticket for parking on the nature strip instead of the place intended for  that purpose which was parking. And lo, did you promise to do your Christmas shopping in September next year, or perhaps convert to Hinduism.

"We agreed to a $20 spending limit; that chalice cost at least $60. Also, some idiot dented the Beast's rear fender"

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.