I get it. We’ve all had a big day. The elaborate plan, the guns, the hostages. This is life or death stuff. But I didn’t help break into the Banco de España to see these delicious snacks I’ve generously prepared go to waste.

I see you over there, Zagreb. Absolute skin and bones. I’d hazard a guess you burned over a thousand calories pulling all those zip-ties. You must be one peckish Salvador Dali right about now. The front pocket of the burgundy JanSport backpack. Hard-boiled eggs. You can thank me later.

Bucharest, why don’t you take a break big fella? You’ve been pressing that AR-15 against the bank manager’s trembling forehead for over an hour now. You can’t hide low blood sugar from Uncle Wellington! There’re apple slices and peanut butter next to the roughed-up bank teller. Grab five, slugger.

Wow! Drills are loud, huh? I’ll tell you what else is loud. That grumbling tummy. Greek yogurt and a handful of berries should turn that frown upside down. Oh gee. I’m sorry, man. I didn’t think that had racial undertones, Mykonos. But I hear you. One bag of non-Greek trail mix coming right up. That vault may be locked, but your emotional turmoil is an open book. Thanks for calling me out on my ignorance, bro.

Cool map of the air vents, Pyongyang. A bit of a squeeze though. I’m starting to think this Tupperware of cantaloupe wrapped in prosciutto may not be so accessible. It may have to be a few edamame beans stuffed in your jumpsuit, bud.

You sure made an example of those rebellious hostages, Damascus. Left hook, right hook, uppercut! You deserve a treat. Don’t tell the others, but I just slipped a vegetable samosa into the big duffel bag of cash. Third one from the left. Let me know what you think of the recipe! I’d ask the rebels but their “jaws are broken.” Philistines.

And they call it puppy loveeeeee. Just kidding, guys. I noticed a smidge of Stockholm syndrome setting in and just wondered if my old pal Panama City fancied some chocolate chia seed pudding made with almond milk? Allergic to almonds– Of course you are. Might’ve been nice to mention that before I went to the store. Oh, and Veronica doesn’t like chia seeds! Well, I’m sorry VERONICA!

Remind me what your city code name is again?!

Does anyone have any idea how long it takes to stuff three hundred individual bell peppers with guacamole? Incorrect, Addis Ababa. Make that FIVE HOURS. But sure, if you want to pig out on the greasy takeout S.W.A.T. carried in here, be my guest. God forbid they bring us something with low cholesterol! Just don’t come crying to me when we have to exchange one of the hostages for an EMT.

Great, the crab cakes went bad because Kampala left them out in the blazing sun. Why do I even bring a cooler if no one’s going to use it? Maybe when the snipers took out Belfast we all got a little sloppy. So that’s two things the open window ruined today.

Would it kill you to take a damn carrot stick and a finger scoop of hummus? Seriously, would it? Because Panama City didn’t mention his allergy. So what’s everyone else hiding? Tirana’s allergy to chickpeas? Cardiff’s allergy to blue cheese dressing? Ulaanbaatar’s allergy to adding which heist snacks he wants on my grocery list?

Well you may as well tie me up too guys because you’re shackling my culinary creativity!


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