Alright moron, if you want to access this webpage you need to make an account, and do you know how you keep an account safe? Do you? Should I talk slower? That’s right you need a password, great work Sherlock!

Ok, let me lay down some ground rules. You need AT LEAST one capital letter. If you don’t have a capital letter, you might as well just put your social security number on Instagram. Capital letters are like kryptonite for hackers. Two capital letters? Wow now you’re learning, didn’t know you had it in you.

Maybe people are wrong about you, you might have a few brain cells rattling around in that cranium of yours.

Woah woah woah, stop the clock. Did you just try and use a real word in your password? Are you trying to get hacked? If it's in the dictionary, a hacker can guess it. Were you dropped on your head as a baby or did the brain damage happen later in life? You need to have a long and random assortment of letters and numbers that you could never reasonably memorize.

Should you write it down? Yes, but ideally in a very random place on your laptop so you won’t ever be able to find it again if you actually need it.

Now I know you struggle with letters so this next bit will really challenge you, we need a few punctuation marks to avoid you falling prey to devious cyber marauders. Try an exclamation point. If you forgot what that looks like, I am not surprised!!! You could use a semicolon; I don’t know if you could see it on a keyboard because it isn’t a letter or leftover Cheeto dust. Maybe we go with a question mark. Need an example of a question mark? On a scale from 1-10, how many grades did you complete in school? There is a question mark for ya.

And you think that length is safe? A password needs to have more characters than a Phase four Marvel movie to be considered a good password. Minimum length we will accept is 30 characters, and even that would be playing it real fast and loose buddy!

Let me guess, you want to use something personal like your dog's name or your favorite movie as part of the password, ha! Ooh you want to use “Vertigo” in your password, aren’t you just a little film buff. We all know you just tell people Vertigo is your favorite movie because you think it makes you sound classy but we (and the hackers) see through your artifice. If you think they don’t also know your dog's name you are lying to yourself bucko.

Oh, you know what you could actually do is just log in through Gmail or your Facebook account. Everyone still uses Facebook these days and nobody is more careful with your data than good ol' Zuck. So go ahead, take the easy way out and give us your Facebook or Gmail. We can become best friends! I will check in every day with exclusive new deals and weird robotically personal emails that we had our intern write because he is younger than everyone else in the office. Wouldn’t that be fun!

Yeah, that’s what I thought, you just signed in using your Gmail, like a bear to honey. Classic. Be prepared for an unending torrent of emails.

How do you unsubscribe? Well, that will be a journey you will have to take on your own.

Well, congratulations on creating your account! Enjoy reading this article about celebrities who have siblings that aren’t as good-looking as they are, hope it was worth it.