Q: Do I have to?
A: Yes. All Americans are now required by law to have a CNN Town Hall.
Q: When will a CNN representative contact me to schedule my town hall?
A: Because we must produce town halls for all 327 million Americans, you will not be contacted in advance of your town hall. Any attempt on your part to contact the CNN Center in Atlanta will result in a fine.
Q: If you don’t contact me in advance, how will I know where to go and what to do?
A: Don’t worry, we will take care of all that for you. In most cases, our producers are able to bring CNN’s Portable Town Hall Studio to a convenient location near your home or workplace. Then, we will lure you to the studio. In order to minimize pre-Town Hall anxiety and to ensure as even a playing field as possible for all Americans, we will not inform you of the specific time or location in advance.
You will know it is your Town Hall when we remove your blindfold and handcuffs and you find yourself seated across from Anderson Cooper.
Q: I don’t want to do a Town Hall. What happens if I resist?
A: We strongly recommend you avoid resisting your Town Hall. Our producers have developed a thorough system for transporting even the most reluctant Americans to the studio, and they have contingency plans for all types of escape attempts. Most people find they prefer to “rip off the band-aid,” do the Town Hall, and get back to their lives.
If you are still considering resistance, please note that our producers and Anderson Cooper are all deputized by the local sheriff before a Town Hall, and they will do whatever is necessary to keep you in the studio.
Q: Is there an order in which Town Halls are held?
A: The specific order of Town Halls is a carefully guarded secret. However, it is safe to assume that the following people will be given priority: Democratic politicians who are officially running for president, Democratic politicians who might run for president, Democratic and Independent state legislators in purple states, registered Democrats who say “Hey, maybe I should run for president next!” (yes, even as a joke), and, for some reason, James Comey.
If you do not fall into any of those categories, your Town Hall will likely occur at some point between next Tuesday and August of 2036.
Q: What will I be asked about at my Town Hall?
A: To begin, you will be asked several personal questions. CNN’s producers prepare for each Town Hall by contacting estranged family members, previous romantic partners, and childhood friends. You will be expected to address any improprieties uncovered in these interviews. For the rest of the Town Hall, you will be asked about issues that affect Americans. Our polling shows that America’s ideal candidate is a sexy policy wonk (preferably one with a penis that is large enough to be impressive but not intimidating). Do not assume that platitudes and vague suggestions will cut it with the American public. You need to propose plans to end gun violence, improve public schools, fix the healthcare system, address racism, and bring manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt.
Q: What if I don’t have plans for any of those things?
A: We suggest you come up with some plans as soon as possible.
Q: Wait, I want to go back to the penis thing for a minute. Am I expected to show my penis at the Town Hall? What if I don’t have a penis?
A: Please do not remove your pants at any point during the Town Hall. The American public can discern everything it needs to know about the state of your penis from the way you elaborate on your plan to negotiate peace between Israel and Palestine.
Q: What will happen after my Town Hall?
A: You will be escorted back to your residence. We will then ask the entire state of Pennsylvania whether or not it likes you.
Q: Pennsylvania will probably like me, right? You think I’m likable, don’t you?
A: If you have to ask, you’ve already lost Pittsburgh.